Surveys show dating violence is not uncommon among teens. When the abuse is physical or sexual, it can be easy to identify. Emotional abuse is much harder to recognize, but no less damaging. Building awareness is one of the best ways to combat this all-too-pervasive problem.

Brinda is 15 and has never had a boyfriend before. She recently started dating Deep. At first, Brinda thought it was sweet that he began calling her all the time. He always wants to know who she is with, where she is, and when she’ll be home. Recently, he has started belittling her in front of his friends, insulting her, and telling her she is stupid. He threatens to break up with her if she won’t do what he says, and that no one else will ever want her. She wants to make him happy. In fact, she’ll do anything to keep her boyfriend. She thinks this is what being in a relationship is all about. Sound familiar? Unfortunately, many teens face this same dilemma.

Relationship violence often starts as emotional or verbal abuse and can quickly escalate into physical or sexual violence. And although many teens know at least one student who has been a victim of relationship violence, most parents either don’t know it exists or don’t know it is an issue.

Relationship violence is a pattern of behaviour used by someone to maintain control over his or her partner. It can take the form of verbal, physical, emotional, or even sexual abuse.

Relationship violence is not about getting angry or having a disagreement. In an abusive relationship one partner is afraid of and intimidated by the other.
Who is involved:

Relationship violence occurs between two people who are currently or formerly involved in a dating relationship.

The abuse can begin at a very young age.

Where can it happen:
Relationship violence can occur anywhere. In public or in private.

What you can do:
Look around you, is there someone you know who might be affected by relationship violence? Remember that anyone can be a victim. If you suspect relationship violence, there are places you can go for help and information, people you can talk to about the problem. Get help from someone you trust. Do something before the relationship gets worse or the violence increases. By reaching out, you may save someone’s life, including your own.

Dating rights
Dating someone comes with both rights and responsibilities. Ask yourself if you are violating someone else’s rights — or if someone is violating yours. Are you fulfilling your responsibilities? Are you respecting your rights and the rights of your date?

You have the right to:
Be treated with respect always. Your thoughts, opinions, and property. Choose and keep your friends. Not be abused — physically, emotionally or sexually. Leave a relationship to live without fear and confusion from a boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s anger.

Dating responsibilities You have the responsibility to:
Not threaten to harm yourself or another. Encourage a girlfriend or boyfriend to pursue their dreams. Support a girlfriend or boyfriend emotionally. Communicate, not manipulate or humiliate. Refuse to abuse — physically, emotionally or sexually.

What is the first thing that comes to your mind when one talks about dating? Probably a ‘too much in love’ couple spending quality time with each other. However, this concept has become a bit outdated as the new-age dating means fights, break-ups, heart burns..or probably all of it.

Dating, which probably is the best pass-time of youngsters as well as not so young people, has no proper definition as such. Dictionary defines dating as a verb but there is really no definition of dating. It’s all about how different people perceive it.

Like Harshil Doshi, a software engineer puts it, “There is no actual meaning of dating. Probably a meeting or to go out with another person out of romantic interest.” While some put ‘dating’ in a non-controversial context — an easy way of spending time with a person, who could be a prospective partner/lover, another ‘school of thought’ assumes dating as having physical relationship with the opposite sex.

The ‘liberals’, on the other hand, conceive dating in a more professional sense — two individuals meeting up at a specified time for an agreed purpose. As the concept of dating has made inroads in our life and culture, people always presumed that dating is something that existed forever. It is often confused with ‘courtship’— a colonial concept. In the 20th century, dating was seen as an outcome of both, a creation of an adolescent stage of the human life cycle and the emergence of city culture.

Dating meant “going out”, instead of spending time at home. Now, dating necessarily means spending lots of money. “My idea of dating is going out, being adventurous, probably go Bunjee jumping, or river rafting or spending loads of money,” says Abhinav Kumar. However, some like Panshu Joshi disagree when they say, “Dating does not necessarily mean going out.

I would rather cook for my girlfriend.” Now, the word ‘courtship’ is almost non-existent, however certain notions of courtship still exist. Like earlier courtship meant male-dominance. “Even now it is always the guy who ends up taking decisions and paying up. And to an extent even girls expect guys to pay, atleast in the beginning. Then it depends on how intense the relationship is,” says Bhasha Mewar, a student.

On a lighter note Jatan Dave, an IT student suggests, “If you wish to date the same girl again, better pay up. But if are not really dating your dream-girl, you can probably ask her to pay.” Hence today dating is more of a fun activity. While dating has different concepts, the basic concept on why people date is this. “Youngsters often date to have a partner, with whom they can emotionally attach to. Going out and spending money is just a show-off and people who are truly in love do not believe in these concepts,” says Kiran Makhija, a student.

THE dating menu-card’s getting more extensive every minute. So, does it take dinnerin-the-dark for you to see the light of true love? Or does a silent evening with a prospective mate help you speak volumes about your feelings? Dating trends are getting more innovative and so are ways to meet, interact with and get to know potential partners. It isn’t about simple matchmaking or blind dates anymore. If it’s got a twist, is novel, creative and shows results, then trendy, hip singles are sure to lap it up. In the US and the UK, the new rage is silent dating parties and dinner-in-the-dark parties. Speed dating has just about come here, will singles welcome these new innovations?

It’s all about:
Silent dating parties are all about flirting without speaking a single word. Singles are armed with only pen and paper and can communicate only by exchanging notes. Pegged as a social event for singletons who are tired of all the noise and unnecessary blabber, notes exchanged at these parties are said to range from flirty to even funny.

Dinner-in-the-dark involves taking a blind date to a totally different level. The aim: to prove that personal chemistry overrules looks. Singletons literally go on the date blind. They have a meal together in total darkness and get to know each other, without bothering about physical appearances.

They are popular:
The apparent success of speed dating, SMS dating and online dating is proving encouraging for many who wouldn’t mind trying out something new. “Recent dating trends are popular. That’s why they have caught on. At least these are more creative than ‘Me and my pet’ singles nights, and ‘Vegan’ singles nights. These trends are geared at going back to the basics — no talking, just writing. No judging someone on their looks, just getting to know them first. It rocks,” says singleton Ashuni Iyer.

The lure:
Creativity, it seems, is a big draw. “If it was just another dating service, I would not try it. I’m sure if I go on a silent date, I’ll meet someone who is good at writing. It’s getting tougher to meet people with similar interests anyway and to meet people in an environment that’s different,” says graphic designer, Jeevan MN.

Will it work here?
Many city singletons feel it will. “I’m all for it. I’m waiting for them to start the dinner-inthe-dark concept here. I hear it’s a ‘tactile’ experience,” laughs marketing pro Miran Raza. In the comedy 50 First Dates, Adam Sandler has to win over Drew Barrymore every single day, as she suffers a memory loss. “In the film, he had to find a different way to woo her daily. It was fun and creative. If we singles do something like that, it will work.”

Can you date 20 partners in less than an hour without fear of rejection, awkward silences and clock-watching? No one’s so lucky to have this kind of a privilege? Wait. It’s possible if you pay Rs 2,000 and participate in a speed dating event. ‘‘Speed dating, for the uninitiated, is meant for singletons in the fast lane of careers who don’t have enough time to socialise and find dates,’’ says Maria Arif, founder of a speed dating agency in Delhi.

Need for speed
Priyanka Chawla, an executive with a BPO firm, relies on speed dating. ‘‘I’ve been looking for Mr Right for a long time but because of the hectic schedules of my profession, I have neither the time nor the opportunity to meet a suitable partner. Last but not the least, my co-workers are either married or too young for me!’’

Done in 180 sec!
But is a mere three minutes sufficient to know a person? ‘‘Yes, you know a person not by grilling him endlessly for hours, but instinctively by the way he/she talks and behaves,’’ says Jennifer Zorensiami, fashion designer. According to Maria: ‘‘It is scientifically proven that you can decide in three minutes, and quite accurately at that, whether you want to meet a person once again after the initial meeting.’’

Indian context
For MBA student Niti, speed dating is at best a fun experience with no long-term commitments. ‘‘You can’t understand a person in 30 years, how can you find a soulmate in three minutes? Still, it’s a matter of luck and anything is possible.’’ That’s precisely why speed dating is a popular phenomenon in the West. Sceptics here, though, ask: is speed dating suitable for Indian society? ‘‘Yes, why not? Speed dating is particularly convenient for the urban Indian woman as she is a busy professional with no time for love. Unlike her Western counterpart, the single Indian woman can’t go to a bar and chat up a guy without being misunderstood. Speed dating gives her an opportunity to meet many like-minded people at one venue in a controlled environment,’’ says Gary.

According to Maria: ‘‘Anyone who says speed dating goes against Indian society is being hypocritical. Speed dating is just a harmless platform for single men and women of the same professional wavelength to meet and forge a friendship, possibly for life. Whether you agree with this explanation or not,the response to the concept of quickie dates is overwhelming in India.For instance,we got around 1,000 respondents to our ad — meaning that not all of them could be selected for our event. Aspiring speed daters had to be screened and categorised according to their age, profession, income and hobbies.’’

Fast can last
So what are the chances of speed dating leading to a walk down the aisle? ‘‘The concept of speed dating is ideal for today’s fast-paced life as it brings together 20-40 eligible single men and women and allows them to have three-minute conversation with each other. If a speed dater likes a person, he/she can set up dates with that person and take the relationship forward,’’ says Gary, organiser of speed dating events. The bottomline is speed dating works — atleast Sumit Sethi, a DJ, believes it can.‘‘I’ve got four proposals from a single speed-dating event and have to decide which girl to accept.’’ Even as Sumit is saying this, a girl in red top, apparently one of the four, comes up to him with a mug of beer in hand.‘‘At 3 pm tomorrow,’’ she says. Sumit nods. It works!

DATING, A social rendezvous between two people with a dash of romance attached to it, has undergone changes over the last few decades. Earlier, the excitement of dating a person involved secret meetings at favorite jaunts set in a perfect romantic ambience. Of late, this landscape has morphed significantly with the internet playing the middleman by offering ‘online dating’ services. Online dating provides the means for people to meet and get to know each other before real-time meetings.

Online dating, which started in the early-to-mid 20th century became popular in the 1960s and 1970s. It allowed individuals, couples, and groups to meet online and possibly develop a social, romantic, ethnic, or religious relationship.

Using an online dating service to find dates was once frowned upon and even considered daunting but times have changed and so have people. Online dating has become a norm, and is gaining social acceptability around the globe. It also provides people with multiple choices to meet friends, find love, and find people who share the same habits and beliefs.

The online dating industry is a very competitive market as thousands of dating services compete for marketshare globally. The revenue from the industry was $900 million in 2007, and growing more than 70% year-on-year, according to Jupiter Research. Online dating services are currently being offered by various categories of players. Portals: Multi functional online sites offer personal/ matrimonial as one of their unique selling proposition (USP). Yahoo! Personals, Indiatimes Liv2luv. Personalised web sites: These provide matrimonial services and serious relationships for people who are looking for a ‘soul mate’.

As the market grew, many specialised niches emerged, basically theme-based services catering to people with similar interests, passions, geographies, religions, demographics, etc. Examples: Trek Passions.com, Animal Attraction.com, ChristianCafe.com, SeniorFriendFinder.com, garamchai.com, asians4asians.com, Gaydate, etc. Social networking web sites: The raison d’etre of these sites being establishment of communities, and a very interactive/ sharing kind of atmosphere. Such sites offer a common platform for exchanging pictures, videos, e-cards and interacting through chat rooms. Examples: Yahoo! groups, Fropper.com, bigadda.com, etc.

The online dating market in the US continues to grow, but there is stagnation in the number of users paying for access. On the other hand, the online dating sites in Europe, a relatively less saturated market, is attracting new users and will double revenue from 243 million euros in 2006 to 549 million euros in 2011. In 2006, Europeans spent approximately half as much as US users on online dating sites, and in 2011 it is estimated that they will spend more than three-quarters as much. However, by 2011 the European market will have largely matured, growing by just 9% compared to the US market’s 6% growth. Consumer profile/behaviour: Earlier an almost exclusive domain of the youth, there has been a rise in the baby boomers market witnessed by US players — Yahoo! Personals and eHarmony. Niche dating sites like SilverSingles.com, SeniorFriendFinder.com, and PrimeSingles.net have also cropped up to cater to this segment. People are now hiring ‘dating coaches’ and getting trained to improve their dating and relationships building skills.

Business model: The growth of various free dating sites like OkCupid.com, Matchdoctor.com, Bookofmatches.com, Smooth.com and CrazyBlindDate.com have driven the trend of online dating. Advertising by True ($52.2 million), Mate1.com ($20.4 million) and InterActiveCorp (match.com) ($16.1 million) top the online personal advertisers in 2006. As in most online services, the advertising model appears to be winning over the subscription model — however, there is a fee element that does drive up revenue. Live promotions: Europe’s leading web matchmaker Meetic.com sponsored a ‘Street Party’ on Valentine’s eve where young people gathered in the streets of Paris and Milan looking for a partner. They even provided ‘mobile services’ with DJs and speed-dating stands which allowed singles to mingle. Yahoo! personals have free online gift coupons which provide seven day free trial to users. New channels: Match.com’s mobile internet offered by Enpocket’s Dating Engine was launched with a month’s free trial and Valentine’s Day sweepstakes promotion in Feb 2005. Technology: The concept of virtual dating (a combination of online dating and online gaming) is gaining popularity, where sites like Mate4all.com are offering users the chance to date with the help of avatars in a place that resembles the real environment.

One of the major innovations in technology is avatar-based instant messaging. One Website which pioneers the use of avatars is OmniDate.com. Another promising technology is ‘iovation’ which helps online firms prevent fraudulent activities. Video dating gains significance as it provides privacy to users to decide on the relationship with ease. Online dating sites are gaining prominence in India. Indian online dating revenue were $30 million in 2006 showing a growth rate of 50% year-on-year. Internet usage for online dating has increased from 9% in 2006 to 37% in 2007, indicating that all age groups are catching on this trend. There has been a myth among Indians that online dating is synonymous with matrimony. Now this belief is changing and online dating is gaining social acceptance with dating and social networking apart from matrimony.

“Personals are one of the few legitimate billiondollar paid content businesses,” said David Schatsky, president of JupiterResearch. “JupiterResearch projects a steady 16% compound annual growth rate, reaching the figure of $1.9 billion, through 2012 for the category.”

Online dating technology has seen little transformation in the last three years. However, firms like Perfectmatch.com, eHarmony.com; Chemistry.com and True.com are expected to exploit technology for personality profiling. Niche players with huge capital have a great opportunity ahead. New entrants can start their own dating sites with mere technology as a tool. One such firm is Whitelabeldating.com. A concept called relationship exchange will facilitate new participants to start a dating site with zero capital and a minimal knowledge of programming. In India, where up to 90% of all marriages are arranged, domestic online dating companies are racking up some impressive numbers. In the coming years, online dating is expected to grow extensively with a huge market to be tapped.

UP CLOSE & PERSONAL ONLINE DATING REVENUE WAS $900 M IN 2007 INDUSTRY GROWING 70% Y-O-Y INDIAN DATING REVENUE AT $30M IN 2006 REVENUE OF INDIAN SECTOR TO GROW 50% Y-O-Y NET USE FOR DATING AT 37% IN 2007 90% OF MARRIAGES ARE ARRANGED IN INDIA

THE UPS Ego Trip: The feeling of being liked by more than one person, and being ‘wanted material’, is a tremendous ego-booster. It’s human nature to brag about one’s achievements, especially about popularity ratings among the opposite sex.

It’s good to have options: Some people don’t believe in putting all their eggs in one basket. If you are into multiple dating, you don’t have to put up with it and have your way most of the time. So what if one relationship doesn’t work out? There’s always the next date.

You remain a prize catch: If you are popular among the opposite sex, your date will be all the more spurred to keep you with him or her. Juggling dates will keep you busy, and you come across as unavailable, independent and, more importantly, not craving for attention. If you do agree to meet up after endless phone calls, your date will think you have made his or her day.

Easy sex: If you are a player, one of the perks of being in multiple relationships is that you will get physical more easily and more frequently; if one considers that a perk at all. Remember, sex doesn’t figure in the priority list of many people. Love, emotions and stability are more important for some individuals.

THE DOWNS Resource crunch: As if being in one relationship doesn’t keep you busy enough, juggling different dates can leave you with a serious paucity of time. And if you are one of the benevolent or chivalrous ones who insist on picking up the tab each time, your wallet could resemble a dry well in a cruel summer at the month’s end. And not to mention the countless aspirins!

Loss of face: A relationship grapevine spreads faster than a bushfire, and can be more devastating. If you are tagged a Casanova or a woman equivalent of it, you will not find a place to hide your face.

You might pass up true love: This is the most important downside. Everyone wants to find true love. Multiple dating will not afford you time to work on a long-term relationship. Worse, it will make you draw comparisons between potential mates. Nobody’s perfect. Everyone comes with his or her own share of imperfections. And that’s what makes us so beautiful.

Insecurity: If you are seeing more than one person at a time, there’s every possibility that your dates are paying you back in the same coin. Especially a date you really like. Such insecurities will prevent you from working on a serious relation with that special one.

The waiting game: Entering into a relationship is like ordering food in a restaurant. After you have ordered one, you wish you had asked for the dish that is served on the next table. But if you keep waiting for ‘the one’, you might end up waiting forever.

WHAT YOU CAN DO Multiple dating may be fine if you are in it to seek casual relationships. But make sure you inform your dates that you are not dating them exclusively. This way, you may be rebuffed at best, but at least people won’t remember you as a snake.

However, when the goal is marriage, then dating more than one person at a time isn’t fair to any of those involved, including you. It simply isn’t possible to divide your focus between two or more individuals, if you want to give a budding courtship the attention it needs.

As you see, the cons outweigh the pros. But if you play by the rules, have sorted out your priorities and are fabulous at time management, go ahead. More power to you! But remember, you are walking on egg-shells and they break as easily as hearts.

One hundred years ago, even though the divorce rate was very low, there were a lot of unmarried adults. At that time, it is estimated that 65% of adult women were unmarried due to never marrying and early death of the spouse. In contrast, today, only 20% of adult women are unmarried. Marriage is still popular but the number of unmarried adults doubled between 1970 and 1993. Women are better off financially and there is less pressure to marry and stay married; we are freer to choose to be married or single.

You hear a lot of criticism and jokes about the “trap” of marriage. Yet, many are attracted to the “bait” at least — 96% of us live with a partner sometime in our lives. Most of us are eager to do so–and for good reasons. Loving someone brings so many joys and thrills and so much comfort… it can be fantastic. An unhappy marriage, however, can be terrible. Marriage is very different for different people. We don’t know a lot, yet, about making marriage be what we want it to be.

Facts are confused with myths.

Myths about marriage

Earlier we mentioned some common beliefs about love. There are similar beliefs about marriage, some true and some false. Learning how to cope involves unlearning popular misconceptions as well as learning the truth. We certainly have many misconceptions about marriage to unlearn (Lazarus, 1985; Glick & Kessler, 1974; Lederer & Jackson, 1968). We, unfortunately, make important decisions on the basis of these misleading beliefs. Examples: People marry because they are passionately “in love.” Married people “love” (again, meaning wild ecstatic passion) each other. Maintaining romantic love is the key to marital happiness. Marriages should be totally happy and most of life’s satisfactions should come from the partner. Men and women are very different emotionally. Opposites always attract. Marriage will cure
loneliness. Family “togetherness” is crucial. Partners must be totally honest and tell all. Marriage requires total trust. Good marriage partners agree on every issue and never fight. Incompatible couples can’t have a successful marriage. Volatile marriages never last, quiet unions last.

More myths: good sex means a good marriage. An affair means there are problems in the marriage. An affair will destroy a marriage. A good partner never thinks of him/herself. The husband’s work is more important than the wife’s career. Husbands are happier when their wives are homemakers. Competition between spouses adds zest. In an argument someone has to be wrong and it is important to know who. Most marriages can’t survive a period of hate. In a good marriage, sex will take care of itself. Married people understand each other without talking. Good marriages simply happen (”are made in heaven”) and don’t require attention or work. A lover can be made over to your liking after the marriage. In a secure, devoted marriage, things do not change. Everyone knows what makes for a good wife and a good husband. Having children will improve and stabilize a marriage. Today’s “normal” family is happy and doesn’t have any real problems. Even a poor marriage should be held together for the children’s sake. After the “high” of the first few months, marriage is all work and disagreements. Once gone, love can’t be rekindled. You must feel positive towards your spouse before you can change your behavior towards him/her. If a marriage is not working out, an affair will help. Getting a divorce and finding another partner will solve most of the problems. All of these “beliefs” are wrong to some extent; yet, there may be some truth in them. We misunderstand so much about love and marriage, it’s not surprising that we aren’t very good at loving, yet. But even though our ignorance leads to upsetting disagreements with our partner, the love is so thrilling and the companionship so satisfying that romantic relationships are a vital part of our lives. We should learn all we can about loving and insist that research tell us more of what we need to know to have a good love life.

Some facts about marriage

The percent of married people who say they are “very happy” has gone down during the last 20 years, especially among women. Maybe we are expecting more of marriage. In fact, when asked what their chance of divorce is, over 75% of couples refused to admit there was even a remote possibility. Happily married couples have rosy illusions about their marriage and they idealize their spouse. The more illusions, the happier the couple (Azar, 1995). Many of these once happy marriages fall apart. We certainly need earlier and more realistic efforts to prevent divorce.

While most people marry sometime in their lives, they are waiting longer to do it. In the early part of this century, many people left school after the 8th grade and got married by the time they were 14 to 16 years old. Another hundred years before that, about the time this country was founded, the age of consent was 9 or 10 in some places. However, by 1993, the median age of the first marriage was 24.5 for women and 26.5 for men. Between 1970 and 1985, there was a remarkable increase in the number of young people who remained single until 25 or 30. In 1985, 57% of women ages 20-24 were single, 26% of 25-29-year-olds were single. For men, the percentages were 75% and 38%. The overall percentage of single people is increasing; for every 1000 married people, there are about 100 single males and 150 single females. Remember that about 25% of all children live with a single parent, partly because the threat of divorce is highest in the first 10 years of marriage.

Sociologists Blumstein and Schwartz (1983) studied 6000 American couples. About 60% of the wives had jobs but only 30% of husbands thought both spouses should work. In fact, only 39% of wives thought so; 49% of the wives (in the early 1980’s) thought their husbands should take care of them economically. Few young women today expect to be taken care of. Husbands sometimes hate housework but women do not ordinarily consider it demeaning; therefore, working wives still do much more than their share of the housework (see discussion of gender roles in chapter 9). Some couples have signed “prenuptial agreements” but Blumstein and Schwartz think this suggests a lack of trust which is harmful to the marriage.

Sex is, of course, important throughout marriage; the majority have sex at least once a week, even after 10 years. Within making love, women enjoyed intercourse the most, but men 942 enjoyed a variety of sexual activity. Women link love with sex more than men do. For this reason, reportedly, being unfaithful doesn’t mean as much to men (if they do it) as to women (if they do it). Men have been unfaithful more often than women (it’s becoming fairly equal) but it did not mean they were unhappy with their wives. When women have an affair, however, usually it isn’t a one night stand; they are more likely to get emotionally involved. See the later discussion of infidelity and sexual problems.

What is most important in preserving a marriage? Skills: knowing how to manage conflict. Having the communication skills so you can respectfully negotiate, resolve disagreements fairly, and avoid the bitterness that drives spouses apart. Later we will discuss ways of avoiding the withdrawal, escalating anger, and vile insults that destroy love relationships.

Stages within a marriage

Naturally, during 50-60 years of marriage, we go through several stages. Sarnoff and Sarnoff (1989) believe humans are born with powerful needs to love and propagate, and, at the same time, they instinctively fear losing their freedom and personal identity if they totally merge with another person (connect like a new born with its mother). These threats of overwhelming love cause fears which result in withdrawal, arguments, and undermining of the love. They describe six stages of marriage, common fears and resistance at each stage, and ways of handling the barriers to love:

Sarnoff and Sarnoff believe we need to be constantly aware of the fear of love in order to counter its destructive effects on love. They do not see marital problems resulting from childhood experiences, bad parenting, abuse, or early conditioning. They suggest we are able to control our love lives if we work hard at understanding and countering our fears (and resentment) of intimacy. They recommend many ways of countering these fears at each stage.

Types of marriages

There are many classifications of marriages; I’ll summarize a few.

David Olson (1981) observed 1000 young couples married only one or two years as they discussed short stories about typical marital conflicts. He found nine types of marriages, five were husband dominated and three wife dominated and one equal:

1. Husband-led disengaged –the most common type. Even this early in the marriage, their love was not very strong; yet, they rarely fight. The male is the boss. Remember, this is 1980; we are changing.

2. Husband-led cooperative –the second most common. Emotional involvement is only average. They argue moderately
often but they cooperate (with the husband’s preferences given priority). Wife works, no children. They don’t socialize much but get along with in-laws.

3. Shared-leadership cooperative –third most common and probably increasingly common. Average amount of love and
conflict, but the decision- making is truly shared. Both work and like their jobs.

4. Wife-lead disengaged –fourth most common. Little conflict but little love too. Wife’s views and preferences tend to
dominate. Husband is financially insecure. This couple socializes to a moderate degree; husband gets along well with his mother and his mother-in-law.

5. Husband-lead engaged –few marital problems and lots of emotional involvement. They are sociable and satisfied with
their income.

6. Wife-lead congenial –they get along well, financial situation is OK, average emotional involvement with each other and lowkey about everything. Husband shares some of wife’s leadership.

7. Wife-lead confrontive –the wife tends to be a homemaker, a mother and quite sociable; she leads. There is considerable marital conflict, emotional involvement is only average. Both get along well with in-laws.

8. Husband-lead confrontive –lots of conflict (second only to 9), husband is dominate, doesn’t like his wife working, and has conflicts with his mother-in-law. Wife doesn’t like his job or hers, if she works. Relatively uncommon type.

9. Husband-lead conflicted –lots of marital conflicts but emotionally involved with each other. Wife dissatisfied with family income; if she works, she doesn’t like it. Both are very sociable and have trouble with in-laws. Least common type.

Very recently, in another study, Olson interviewed over 5000 engaged couples. He found that almost 25% had such serious
relationship problems and such poor relationship skills that he wondered “why would they want to marry each other?” So, some “marriage problems” start well before the marriage and are easily detectable.

If you observe upper middle-class marriages of 10 years or longer, as did Cuber and Harroff several years ago (1965), you will probably still find five kinds of marriages:

(1) Conflict-habituated which is a constant battle over almost everything.

(2) Devitalized in which the partners have lost their love and “drifted apart,” i.e. they take care of the children but they don’t fight a lot.

(3) Passive-congenial where the partners have been apathetic all along, e.g. marriage was a convenience–or economic necessity–or they are more interested in careers or friends than spouses.

(4) Vital marriage in which being together and sharing are the major joys in life.

(5) Total marriage is like the vital marriage, except almost everything is done happily together. Obviously, marriage ranges from wonderful happiness every day–only 15-20% are vital or total marriages–to miserable on-going fights (or divorce). This should offer some hope of happiness to those who are unhappy…but a warning to young people in an already rocky
relationship.

Shostrom and Kavanaugh (1971) described six relationships between men and women based mostly on experience with couples in therapy.

(1) A “Mother and Son” nurturing relationship is made up of a male who marries to be taken care of and a woman who not
only mothers her children but her husband as well. She may feel inadequate but she runs the household.

(2) A “Daddy and Doll” supporting relationship is one in which a serious, able, materialistic male acquires an attractive mate and enjoys her as a show thing. She may flirt and get a lot of attention from other men but, in general, she isn’t interested in them.

(3) A “Bitch and Nice Guy” challenging relationship is an ongoing conflict with one partner complaining and the other refusing to get involved (and, thus, appearing to be a nice guy while he subtly puts down his nagging wife).

(4) A “Master and Slave” controlling relationship is the traditional dominating male and a female dedicated to serving the male.

(5) A confronting relationship between two competitive “Hawks” is going to be stressful. Both are trying to prove their supremacy. Both are afraid of not being loved or of being hurt. The anger hides the pain.

(6) An overly-accommodating relationship is between two “Doves” who pretend to be lovey-dovey instead of expressing the hurt and anger they really feel.

The six relationships above are based on ratings on just two dimensions: love vs. anger and strong vs. weak. In most marriages each person changes from day to day, sometimes being very loving but irritated at other times, sometimes being the leader but the follower at other times. However, some couples become frozen into one role. When we get stuck on one emotion (and deny the other feelings), our role often becomes a destructive, manipulative game. Many of us marry to meet pressing needs–often childhood needs—but marriage can’t meet all our needs. When problems occur in our marriage, we blame the partner. Better adjusted couples remain able to express all their feelings–the full range of love, anger, strength, and weakness–with a balance among these emotions. This is Shostrom and Kavanaugh’s key to helping failing marriages. They teach couples to experience all their emotions, to develop all parts of their personality, to avoid destructive games, and to meet their own needs rather than depending on or blaming the partner.

Givers and Takers (Test your married relationship)

Evatt and Feld (1983) suggest that most marriages are made up of one “giver” and one “taker.” Givers feel loved when they are giving and have trouble taking. Takers feel loved when they are receiving; they love being adored. Unfortunately, givers eventually become resentful of doing so much for the taker and getting so little in return.

The taker becomes bored (and a little guilty) with the ever faithful servant. Which do you think you are–a giver or a taker? Answering these kind of questions will give you a hint:

Giver Taker
1. I am more jealous than my lover.                                 Yes No
2. I am quieter than my lover.                                         No Yes
3. My partners have done mean things to me.                Yes No
4. My partner is the clingy type.                                      No Yes
5. My partner likes to give me gifts.                                No Yes
6. I am more easygoing and cheerful than my partner.    Yes No
7. I run hot and cold; my partner is steady.                     No Yes
8. I’m trusting; I’m more trustworthy than my partner.    Yes No
9. I am adored in most of my relationships.                     No Yes
Total =                                                                              ___ ___

The highest total should indicate if you are a giver or a taker. Even though there is no research to support this simple classification system, it rings true to many people (especially to givers who have been taken?). Givers need someone to give to, preferably someone attractive they can adore.

Takers are happy to take.

What if you  answer about half the questions as a giver and half as a taker? That’s a good place to be. Evatt and Feld recommend only one basic solution- -givers should learn to take and takers should learn to give more.

If your partner is going
away for a few days,
tell her that you are worried
about her so you have organized a
about her so you have organized a
bodyguard to look after her.
bodyguard to look after her.
Then give her a small teddy bear.

Tip #2:

Buy a stylish hand mirror and give it to your
partner as a gift. Include a card in the box saying
“In this mirror you will see the image of
the most beautiful woman in the world .”

Tip #3:

Have flowers delivered to your partner’s workplace. She will not only enjoy the flowers but will also receive comments and attention from her office mates which will add to her enjoyment.

Tip #4:

Buy a packet of glow in the dark stars and stick the stars on the roof above your bed to spell out a message such as

“I Love You”

“I Love You”

“I Love You”

When the lights go down, your message will be revealed !

Tip #5:

Leave a long stem rose where your partner will find it with a note on it saying:

“Thank you for coming into my life.”

Tip #6:

Buy a small decorated cardboard box, a sheet of colored tissue paper, some massage oil and a blank card.

Line the box with the tissue paper. Place the massage oil in the box and write the following message on the card:

I know a great Masseur.
For an appointment ring:
(Your Phone Number)

She would love that

Tip #7:

When your spouse has had a really long hard day, run a hot bath for her. Pour some fragrant bath oil into the tub and gently bathe her from head to toe. Carry her into the bedroom. Gently towel her dry and tuck her into a freshly made bed with a kiss on the forehead.

Tip #8:

Buy an ornately carved wooden box which is lined with green or red felt. Find an old fashioned key and place it in the box.

Next, get a small gold plaque and have it engraved with the words

—The Key To My Heart“

Fix the plaque to the inside of the top of the box so that it can be read when the box is opened.

Tip #9:

If you shower first in the morning: Steam up the bathroom and write a message such as “Pete Loves Kathy” on the mirror for your partner to read when she uses the bathroom. This also works on car windows when it’s cold.

Tip #10:

Create some love coupons that your partner can exchange for romantic favors. For example you could have a coupon that reads 

This coupon entitles the bearer to:
One Foot Massage.
Use by 07/08/2045

Use a date many years in the future if you want to suggest that you and your partner will always be together.

Tip #11:

On a warm summers night, organize a backyard picnic. Spread a picnic blanket on the ground and get together some snacks, chocolates and champagne.

Lie down on the blanket with your partner and gaze up at the stars together.

Tip #12:

When your partner is having a shower or bath, take her towel and place it in the dryer to make it really warm and then wrap her up in it when she is done.

Tip #13:

When you and your partner are going somewhere special, get your camera, buy a new roll of film and wait for her to come out of the house.

When she appears, act like a professional photographer and go wild taking pictures of her with the flash. While you are taking photos, bombard her with questions as though she was a famous actress and you are trying to get a scoop for the magazine you represent.

Not only is this fun but you will also get some great photos to look back on together.

Tip #14:

Fill the trunk of your car with helium balloons. Drive to a romantic spot in the country to go for a walk. The ideal spot is somewhere up high with a clear view of the surrounding countryside.

Get out of the car and act as though you are about to set off for your walk. Make sure your partner is closer to the car than you and then throw her the keys and ask if she can get your jacket from the trunk while you tie your shoelace.

When she opens the boot the balloons will be released. You can also place a sign saying, “I Love You” on the inside of the trunk so that it will be revealed when the trunk opens.

Tip #15:

Compliment your partner in public.

If you are talking in a group and it is appropriate to the conversation say something like, “Kate makes the most incredible roast.”

Squeeze her hand while you are talking about her.

Tip #16:

Develop a video time capsule. Start with the two of you sitting together on a couch introducing the video.

Say something like, “It is currently July 14th 2002.

We have decided to make this video so that we can watch it together on our 25th wedding anniversary.”

Then have a section where you talk to the camera by yourself, telling the camera how you feel about your partner and why you love her. Get her to do the same

thing. When you are done, place the video in a bank vault and on your 25th wedding anniversary you will be able to look back in time and reminisce about everything that you have shared.

Tip #17:

Arrange a special day off from work. Start with breakfast, go for a walk in the park, go shopping, have afternoon tea in a cozy cafe and finish off with a romantic

dinner.

Tip #18:

On Thursday, ask your partner to pack a bag for the weekend. Tell her she’ll need casual clothes and walking shoes but don’t tell her what you have got planned.

Pick her up after work on Friday and drive to a romantic bed and breakfast for a romantic weekend of relaxation.

Tip #19:

Serve your partner breakfast in bed.

Try the following:

(1) A poached egg in the shape of a heart – you can pick up a heart shaped poacher at most shops that sell kitchen wares.

(2) French toast with cinnamon and maple syrup.

(3) Cereal.

(4) Fruit juice.

(5) A fresh flower

Tip #20:

When your partner is sitting at a table or desk ,

sitting at a tab le or desk ,

come up behind him or her and give her a back, shoulder and head massage.

Finish with a gentle kiss on the cheek .

Tip #21:

Give your partner a magic gift box.

Every month, place a new small gift in the box for her to discover.

– Herman Hupfeld

If love is the best thing in life
then the best part of life is the kiss

– Thomas Mann

But indeed, dear,
these kisses on paper are scare worth keeping.
You gave me one on my neck that night
you were in such good-humour,
and one on my lips on some forgotten occasion,
that I would not part with for a hundred
thousand paper ones.

– Thomas Carlyle

Oh, innocent victims of Cupid,
Remember this terse little verse:
To let a fool kiss you is stupid,
To let a kiss fool you is worse

– EY Harburg

I wasn‘t kissing her,
I was just whispering in her mouth

– Chico Marx

Kissing girls is not like science, not is it like sport.
It is the third thing when you thought there were only two

– Tom Stoppard

O Love, O fire! Once he drew
With one long kiss my whole soul through
My lips, as sunlight drinketh dew

– Alfred, Lord Tennyson

To love someone is to isolate him from the world,
Wipe out every trace of him,
Dispossess him of his shadow,
Drag him into a murderous future.
It is to circle around the other like a dead star
and absorb him into a black light.

– Jean Baudrillard

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful;
It does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
endures all things.

– Bible: I Corinthians

“Love is by far the most important thing of all.”

– Brian Tracy

Love seeketh not itself to please,
Nor for itself hath any care; but for another gives its‘ ease
And builds a Heaven in Hell‘s despair

– William Blake

My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods;
time will change it, I‘m well aware, as winter
changes the trees
My love for Heath cliff resembles the eternal rocks
beneath; – a source of little visible delight,
but necessary.

– Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights

Real love is a pilgrimage.
It happens when there is no strategy,
But it is very rare because most people are strategists.

– Anita Brookner

If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love‘s sake only

– Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach.

– Elizabeth Barrett Browning

O, my Luve‘s like a red, red rose
That‘s newly sprung in June;
O my Luve‘s like the melodie
That‘s sweetly play‘d in tune

– Robert Burns

In her first passion woman loves her lover,
In all the others all she loves is love

– Lord Byron

If grass can grow through cement,
Love can find you at every time in your life

– Cher

Love itself is what is left over
when being in love has burned away

– Louis de Bernieres

Experience shows us that love does not
consist in gazing at each other but in looking
together in the same direction.

– Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Love is anterior to life
Posterior to death
Initial of creation, and
The exponent of breath

– Emily Dickinson

The magic of first love is our
Ignorance that it can ever end.

– Benjamin Disraeli

Go on a virtual date with, Ariane

Click here to begin

How Does it Works?

This is a pure HTML and JavaScript based dating game (only for Adult people). It works best in Firefox and IE only. When you click on the “Click Here To Begin”, a new window will open and in that window, you will have to “Hover” your mouse on the Image to get options and instruction.

this game has so many characters, and it completely depends on your IQ. If you are able to get your date in the bed, then there will be many more to explore

Some quick and easy ways are given below, but you should try things by yourself before reading the help below.

OK.. so you are tired? now.. use the help:

1. Introduce yourself 2. Say Something Funny (book) 3. Compliment her outfit, kiss on cheek
4. Read Poetry (book) 5. Music & Dance Soft Rock 6. Kiss while dancing – Stop 7. Go back to the couch – Kitchen 8. Drink Wine – Finish drink 9. Get steaks for dinner
First:
10. Sit & look at the sky 11. For the triangulus, it’s in the middle of the map’s sky.
For the others, oh boy, maybe on the google moonmap or mapsky!!!
Anyway, if it’s good choose : Eat dinner in a swimsuit
12. Don’t follow her in her room 13. Eat, Compliment, Drink, Talk 14. Get in the pool
15. Swim some more 16. Get out when she says she might get some cramp 17. Get in hot tub 18. Kiss & stop 19. Drink some wine
20. Choose the game Truth/Dare above her left shoulder 21. You, Truth. Answer as you like 22. Her, Truth: Ask her is she’s ever had sex in the bath tub, the 1st “?” from the top
23. You, dare. Click to contine 24. Her Dare: Take off top. the 2nd from the top – Help her. 25. You, Dare. Click to continue 26. Her, Dare: Take of panties. the 2nd “?” – Help her.
27. Frenck Kiss – Stop. 29. Massage shoulders – Stop 30. Grab breasts  – Stop 31. Suck nipples  – Stop 32. Rub lovver back – Stop 33. Grab butt – quit 34. Massage pussy 35. Have sex
36. Suggest spending the night or back home 37. No explanation, i think it’s easy, but…38. Have sex again
Second:
11. Wait for BBQ 12. Eat, compliment, drink, talk 13. Go somewhere else: Car 14. Gas Station
15. Fill up tank 16. Head out to outskirts 17. Scenic tour 18. Continue 19. Frenck kiss while in car
20. Enjoy view 21. Take picture 22. Suggest modelling pose 23. Compliment 24. Next pose, then Compliment 25. Repeat 24 til she rubbing her pussy 26. Compliment, last picture she’ll get your penis out 27. DON’T suggest blow job, instead say “that feels good” 28. Either get a blow job or a fuck in the back seat – 29 back home
In the gaz station:
1. Introduce yourself 2. Say Something Funny 3. Compliment her outfit, kiss on cheek 4. Say you´re over 18 5. Read Poetry 6. Dance Soft Rock 7. Kiss while dancing 8. Go someplace else: Kitchen 9. Drink Wine 10. Drink Wine 11. Grab steaks for dinner
12. Click on back yard table 13. Wait outside as she gets in her bikini 14. Eat, Compliment, Drink, Talk 15. Go for a swim 16. Jump in, swim some more 17. Get out when she says she might get some cramp 18. Get in hot tub 19. Kiss 20. Drink some wine 21. Truth/Dare 22. You, Truth 23. Her, Truth: Ask her is she´s ever had sex in the bath tub 24. You, dare. Click to contine
25. Her Dare: Take off top. Help her. 26. You, Dare. Click to continue 27. convenience store in towel 28. offer $20 29. buy snacks/return 30. drink beer 31. have sex on parking lot 32. go home 33. At home spend the night with here.  34. Go to bed. 35. Same for her …
In the living room:
1. Joke, compliment eyes, kiss cheek.2. Kitchen for TWO drinks, suggest “out to dinner”.3. Eat, Compliment, Talk, Wine, Pick-up check.4. Clothes shopping (I picked black outfit), back home “Dress Casual”. LR, Dance (soft rock), kiss,
kiss neck, back to couch.5. Kiss, Kiss, Wine, French, Caress breast, Remove shirt, Kiss nipple.6. Back rub, Rub thigh, Remove pants, Remove panties, Paydirt, Suggest “spend the night”,
Have her again.

There are many more ways to explore other characters in this game.. give a try!!

Enjoy this dating simulator game.

1. Different Types of Love
2. Theories of Love
3. The Value of Love

Different Types of Love

1. I love chocolate/books/dogs/trees. (non-animate entities)
2. I love my dog/cat/turtle. (non-human animate entities)
3. I love my country/state. (social-political entities)
4. I love Westerns/mysteries. (kinds)
5. I love the beach/Vedauwoo. (places)
6. I love sex/skiing/doing philosophy. (activities)
7. I love summer/spring/old-age. (?)
8. I love Oktoberfest/weddings. (events)
9. I love being a father/having no responsibilities. (states of affairs)
10. I love life. (?)
11. I love Buffy/Spike. (fictional characters)
12. I love angels/God. (non-corporeal animate entities)
13. I love myself. (human animate entity)
14. I love my mother/child/friend. (human animate entities)
15. I love my wife. (human animate entity)

In the right circumstances, each of these sentences could be true. If so, then we can love each of the things listed here. And yet it seems like the sort of love in question varies depending on what it is that is said to be loved: for instance, loving Westerns seems very different from loving one’s wife.

Although the sort of love in question differs from case to case, it doesn’t seem that what is meant by ‘love’ differs from case to case – despite what the reading suggests. That is, the word ‘love’ does not appear to be ambiguous. To determine whether a word is ambiguous, we can run various tests. For instance,

(1) I drove my mother to the airport and my sister crazy.

This sentence sounds odd (zeugmatic), indicating that it involves an ambiguous word, namely, the word ‘drove’. The test shows that ‘drove’ means something different when we’re talking about driving someone to the airport vs. driving someone crazy. Now apply the test to ‘love’:

(2) I love my wife, my children, my country, and fine wine.

This sentence does not sound odd in the way that (1) does, indicating that it does not involve an ambiguous word. The test seems to show that ‘love’ is not ambiguous. This is not to deny that there are many different sorts of love; obviously, there are. It just shows that ‘love’ means the same thing in all of (a) – (o). That is, it shows that they all have something in common – they are all instances of love – despite the fact that at the same time they may be importantly different. Just as all killings have something in common despite their many important differences, all lovings have something in common despite their many important differences. They are all cases in which there is some x and y such that x loves y.

We can think of it like this: there is love in general, and then there are more specific sorts of love. Traditionally, there are three sorts of love:

o Eros: erotic love – passionate desire for another

o Agape: “brotherly love” – unconditional concern and acceptance (e.g., for one’s fellow human beings)

o Philia: “Platonic love” – affectionate regard or friendly feeling for another

Obviously, these three do not exhaust the sorts of love that exist. For instance, love for chocolate and skiing do not appear to be instances of eros, agape, or philia – few lovers of chocolate experience friendly feelings for chocolate. More seriously, there is also romantic love (being in love), which does not seem to be reducible to eros, agape, or philia – though it is possible that it is a combination of two or all of them.

To understand love in general, we need to figure out what all instances of love have in common. Question: Is love just a feeling (sensation)? What are some other features which all instances of love share and that are not possessed by other attitudes, such as liking or mere fondness?

Theories of Love

We’re now going to consider various popular accounts of love. Our goal is to see if they provide an adequate account of love in general, a specific type of love, or neither.

Union Theories: All union theories posit an entity, often called a ‘we’, which is essential to love. Union theories come in a variety of strengths, which can be captured in two distinct dimensions. The first dimension concerns the existence of the we. The second dimension concerns what property or properties the we must possess. We’ll begin with the first dimension.

A modest union theory focuses on the desire to form such an entity:

x loves y if and only if

(i) x desires for there to be a we such that

(a) x and y compose the we, and

(b) x desires for the we to have some property F, and

(ii) x desires that y desire for there to be a we such that

(a) x and y compose the we, and

(b) the we has F.

A strong union theory requires that there actually be such an entity:

x loves y if and only if

(i) there is a we such that x and y compose that we, and

(ii) the we has some property F.*

* Note that this account entails that if x loves y, then y loves x.

Now for the second dimension. Depending on the theorist, F =

· the property of being the subject of x’s and y’s shared cares, concerns, and interests (Fisher and Scruton);

· the property of having goals, interests, roles, and virtues such that (i) x and y mutually choose or cultivate these goals, interests, roles, and virtues (ii) x and y mutually consider these goals, interests, roles, and virtues to be important aspects of themselves, and (iii) x and y do in fact possess these goals, interests, roles, and virtues (Solomon);

· the property of having a well-being W such that (i) W is determined by the well-beings of x and y, and (ii) W is maintained by x and y (Nozick);

· the property of being that alone which makes decisions which affect both x and y jointly (Nozick).

· the property of desiring to be perceived as a we composed of x and y (see, e.g., Nozick)

Question: Which sorts of love (e.g., agape) clearly cannot be accounted for by union theories?

Union theories face a number of objections:

o What is a we? There is a reductionist and nonreductionist understanding of a we, both of which are problematic, though for very different reasons.

· The reductionist understanding focuses on the fact that ‘we’ is just a plural referring expression. Like ‘them’, ‘they’, and ‘us’, ‘we’ refers to a group that is nothing over and above the individuals which compose that group. In particular, ‘we’ refers to the speaker and his/her intended associates. (Compare: philosophy club.)

· On the nonreductionist understanding, ‘we’ refers to an entity that exists over and above the speaker and his/her intended associates.

The nonreductionist understanding seems to be ontologically problematic: the existence of a we over and above the individuals that compose that we is very strange indeed. The reductionist understanding is problematic for a different reason: since there are many we’s, that love involves a we does not distinguish love from other cases in which ‘we’ functions as a successful plural referring expression. As a result, all of the theoretical work is being done by the account of F. This isn’t a devastating problem, so long as F is adequate to distinguish the “love we” from other sorts of we’s.

o Individual autonomy is extremely important – not just practically, but theoretically as well. Union theories may have a difficult time capturing individual autonomy at both the theoretical (in particular, philosophical) and practical (in particular, psychological) levels. (This objection does not appear to apply to union theories which adopt the reductionist understanding of the we.)

· If a certain sort of union theory is true, then it is perfectly (instrumentally) rational for people who desire to love to give away their autonomy, for in doing so they achieve love. But for both philosophical and psychological reasons, it is not rational for these people to do this.

o Similarly, union theories may have a difficult time making sense of concern for one’s beloved for his/her own sake. (This objection does not appear to apply to union theories which adopt the reductionist understanding of the we.)

o Modest union theories seem too weak: love seems to require more than the desire for a we of a certain sort. But strong union theories seem too strong: as unrequited love shows, it is not the case that x’s loving y entails y’s loving x.

o Even if union theories cannot give an adequate account of love, perhaps (a nonreductionist version of) the strong union theory could provide an adequate account of reciprocal love (or a loving relationship) or friendship. The answer depends on what F is. Question: What can and cannot F be? (Be careful: we don’t want to make certain mere business partnerships involving shared concerns, goals, well-being, and so on instances of love.)

Robust Concern Theories: All robust concern theories hold that what is essential to love is concern for the beloved for the beloved’s sake – not in the sense that it’s good for the beloved to be loved, but rather that one is concerned for the beloved because of something about the beloved. Let’s focus on the following version of the view:

x loves y if and only if

(i) x desires to benefit y and be with y,*

(ii) x has this desire because x believes that y has some determinate properties in virtue of which x believes that it is worthwhile to benefit y and be with y, and

(iii) x regards the satisfaction of this desire as an end-in-itself.

* What is it to desire to “be with” someone? It might be to desire to: spend time with them, have shared activities or interests, be in their thoughts, be important to them, etc.

This account differs from union theories in at least two respects:

· first, the lover’s concern for the beloved need not be shared, so the lover and beloved need not have shared concerns;

· second, the properties of the beloved in virtue of which the lover desires to benefit and be with the beloved need not be shared, so the lover and beloved need not have shared properties.

On this account, then, the lover and beloved may retain distinct concerns and characteristics – and therefore distinct well-beings and identities.

Question: Which sorts of love (e.g., love of activities) clearly cannot be accounted for by this robust concern theory?

Robust concern theories face a number of objections:

o Many contend that robust concern theories mistakenly turn what is essential to love, such as the lover’s emotional responses to the beloved, into effects or consequences of love, since at best such responses can be understood merely as results of the desires which constitute robust concern.

o It seems that x can love y without desiring to benefit y and be with y – that is, desiring to benefit y and be with y is not necessary for loving y. Velleman considers a situation in which x loves his/her troublemaking relative y, but x does not desire to be with y (because y is a troublemaker). Badwar considers a situation in which x loves his/her beloved y, who is dead; since y is dead, x does not desire to benefit or be with y. This means that the robust concern theory does not give a necessary condition for love.

o It also seems that the robust concern theory does not give a sufficient condition for love – that is, is not sufficient for x to love y that x have the desires and beliefs mentioned in the analysis above. For instance, one might believe that some humanitarian (call him/her H) whom one has never met but heard much about is a very great person fighting for a very worthy cause. One might desire to benefit H and be with H (in order to help the cause), and have this desire because one believes that H is a great humanitarian, in virtue of which one believes that it is worthwhile to benefit H and be with H; and because of the respect and admiration one has for H, one regards the satisfaction of this desire as an end-in-itself. In such a situation, it would be quite a stretch to say that one loves H. If so, then (i) – (iii) are not jointly sufficient for love. (More generally, it may not adequately distinguish love from esteem or admiration.)

Value Theories: Value theories come in two forms – appraisal and bestowal. According to the appraisal view, the lover “appraises” a certain sort of value of the beloved, a value which the beloved already has; according to the bestowal view, the lover “bestows” a certain sort of value upon the beloved, a value which the beloved does not already have.

First, the appraisal view (Velleman):

x loves y if and only if

(i) x recognizes y’s intrinsic* value,

(ii) x is disposed to have certain characteristic emotional responses to certain properties of y and y’s behavior, and

(iii) x has this disposition because x recognizes the value of these properties.

* It seems like the value that is needed here is final value, not intrinsic value, though we will ignore this distinction in what follows.

Question: Which sorts of love clearly cannot be accounted for by the appraisal view?

o It seems natural to explain a person’s being disposed to have certain emotional responses to y in terms of his/her love for y. For instance, why is Joe disposed to be sad when Sarah hurts herself? Because he loves her. This seems like an adequate explanation of Joe’s disposition to be sad when Sarah hurts herself. However, if to love someone just is (in part) to be disposed to, say, be sad when he/she hurts him/herself, then it looks like this is a circular explanation: Joe has this disposition because Joe loves Sarah, but why does Joe love Sarah? Because Joe has this disposition. On the assumption that a circular explanation is no explanation at all, the appraisal view leaves us with a missing explanation of Joe’s disposition.

o The appraisal appears to have a difficult time accounting for the selectivity of love. Consider the following situation: x recognizes both y’s and z’s intrinsic value, because y and z are both human beings and x recognizes the intrinsic value of all human beings. x loves y, but x has never met z. It just so happens that y and z possess the same properties and display the same behavior to which x is disposed to have certain characteristic emotional responses. Must x love z? If not – that is, if it is possible for x to love y but not love z – then conditions (i) – (iii) are not jointly sufficient for love.

o The appraisal view also appears to have a difficult time accounting for the difference between loving and respecting (or valuing more generally). It seems that if one genuinely respects another person, then one not only recognizes his/her intrinsic value, but in addition one is disposed to have certain characteristic emotional responses to certain properties of him/her and his/her behavior. If this is correct, then (i) – (iii) are not jointly sufficient for love.

o The appraisal view also appears to have a difficult time with the existence of misguided love. If it is possible for x to regard y’s properties as being valuable even though they are not, then (iii) isn’t necessary. (Question: How could an appraisal theorist handle this problem?)

o Another potential problem for the appraisal view arises from nihilism about intrinsic value – the view that there is no such thing as intrinsic value or nothing is intrinsically valuable. If there is no such thing as intrinsic value or nothing is intrinsically valuable, then nothing has intrinsic value. But if nothing has intrinsic value, then no one can recognize another’s intrinsic value. So, no one can love another. But some people do in fact love another. So, if nihilism about intrinsic value is true, then the appraisal view is false.

Now, the bestowal view (Singer):

x loves y if and only if

(i) x regards y as having intrinsic value,

(ii) x regards y’s interests, concerns, needs, well-being (etc.) as being worthy of x’s interest and concern, and

(iii) x’s regarding y and y’s interests, concerns, needs, well-being (etc.) in this way bestows value on y.

Question: Which sorts of love clearly cannot be accounted for by the bestowal view?

o Suppose that y’s interests, concerns, needs, well-being (etc.) include killing innocent babies. In fact, x does this all the time, and sadly x loves y for it. Is x’s loving y sufficient to make y valuable? If not, then (iii) is not necessary for love.

o Suppose that x is mistaken about y’s interests, concerns, needs, well-being (etc.). That is, y has different interests, concerns, needs, well-being (etc.) than what x thinks y has. If the bestowal view is correct, then in such a case x could not love y. But it seems that x could love y despite x’s mistake: love doesn’t seem to require that one have perfect knowledge of what the beloved’s interests, concerns, needs, well-being (etc.) actually are. After all, one might love the beloved in virtue of regarding what one takes to be the beloved’s interests, concerns, needs, well-being (etc.) as being worthy of one’s interest and concern. If this is correct, then (ii) is not necessary for love. (Question: How could a bestowal theorist handle this problem?)

o Like the appraisal view, the bestowal view appears to have a difficult time accounting for the difference between loving and other attitudes such as liking. For instance, it seems that one can bestow value on an object that one likes insofar as one likes it. If this is correct, then (i) – (iii) are not jointly sufficient for love.

o The bestowal view appears to face the following dilemma. Either:

1. x’s regarding y in the way required by the bestowal view cannot be justified, or

2. x’s regarding y in the way required by the bestowal view can be justified.

On the one hand, (1) makes love blind, since love is always unjustified (so we have no good reason for loving our beloved). On the other hand, (2) appears to collapse the bestowal view into a sort of appraisal view: what could justify x’s regarding y in this way other than value that y and y’s interests, concerns, needs, well-being (etc.) possess (value which is appraised by x)?

Emotion Theories: Emotion theories begin with the thought that if love (and hate) is not an emotion, then nothing is. Evidence for the claim that love is an emotion allegedly comes from the evaluative, motivational and phenomenological features of love. Emotion theories come in two forms – emotion proper and emotion complex.

First, the emotion proper theory (Brown):

x loves y if and only if x is has a certain sui generis emotion towards y.

The second is the emotion complex theory (Rorty and Badhwar):

x loves y if and only if x is disposed to have a certain range of characteristic emotional responses to y in various circumstances.

On the first view, love is an emotion that is not reducible to any other emotion(s). On the second view, love is nothing but the tendency to have a range of characteristic emotional responses to the beloved in different situations. What exactly this range of emotions is may to some extent depend upon the individual (obviously not just any emotions will do; certain emotions are clearly inconsistent with love). For instance, Joe’s love for Sarah is his tendency to be happy in Sarah’s presence, to be sad when Sarah is hurt, to be angry when Sarah is insulted, to be joyous when Sarah succeeds, and so on.

Question: Which sorts of love clearly cannot be accounted for by emotion theories?

o One potential problem with the first view is that as it stands it seems that simply having some particular emotion towards y by itself is not sufficient for love. After all, this emotion can be had in one moment and then not had in another moment.

o One potential problem with the second view is that as it stands it is not clear why one range of emotional responses to the beloved would count as love while another range of emotional responses to the beloved would not.

The Value of Love

If the above theories provide neither necessary nor sufficient conditions for love, then love is logically independent of the existence of a we, being concerned for another, valuing another and his/her interests (etc.), and having certain emotional responses. Note, however, that it does not follow that love is not related to the existence of a we, being concerned for another, valuing another and his/her interests (etc.), and having certain emotional responses in any way. Specifically, this conclusion does not settle the moral/normative and evaluative issues surrounding love.

• Perhaps the existence of a we, being concerned for another, valuing another and his/her interests (etc.), and having certain emotional responses provide normative constraints on love. Or perhaps they are responsible for the value of love. So, even if the above theories fail, it is still very much an open question whether the existence of a we, being concerned for another, valuing another and his/her interests (etc.), or having certain emotional responses provide some insight into the moral/normative and evaluative dimension of love.

Let’s consider some of the evaluative issues in this vicinity. Here are two questions to consider:

(Q1) Is love always valuable?

(Q2) What makes love valuable, if and when it is?

There are reasons to think that love is sometimes valuable. But there are also reasons to think that love is not always valuable. What are they?

Some have argued that love, or at least certain types or instances of love, are never valuable. For instance, some feminists claim that heterosexual love is exploitative or oppressive: it renders women dependent and even servile, enabling men to be parasitic on women’s energy and labor; it tempts women to live for and through men and robs them of their insight and strength; it mystifies and legitimates male hegemony.

Others, approaching the issue from a religio-ascetic perspective, claim that all or at least some types of love are damaging or degenerate – because they undermine one’s psychological or spiritual well-being.

Nearly every creature interacts with others and develops affectionate bonds. As your pet’s guardian, you are responsible for making sure that she has the opportunity to interact in a loving way with others.

If you frequently spend quality time with your pet (and sometimes even if you don’t), you’re likely to become the love of your pet’s life. After all, you are the source of much or all of his/her food, shelter, grooming, play, and affection. Every responsible pet guardian knows that this is a serious, lifetime commitment which, however, repays you many times over in the affection, enthusiasm, and loyalty of your pet. But how can you maximize your loving relationship with your pet? And how can you best give him/her the opportunity to develop loving relationships with other people and other animals?

Remember, your pet is a person with thoughts, feelings, and needs who just happens to be a furry body. S/he experiences loneliness, frustration, joy, pain, affection, love, and all the other emotions that we humans do. It’s not okay to make your pet take care of all his/her own emotional needs. S/he needs regular and consistent interaction with you.

Pets love routine, and an established routine also helps you to remember to regularly take care of your pet’s emotional needs. So establish a time each day when you can sit down with your pet and give him/her your undivided attention. Look into his/her eyes, try to clear your mind, and see if you get any impressions about what she feels, wants, or needs. Be sure to give your pet a lot of physical affection. Experiment to see what kinds of touch she prefers as you play with and caress him/her. Some pets like only a gentle touch while others prefer to really horse around. Notice where she most likes to be stroked and how. Most animals respond well to Therapeutic Touch. This involves gently making clockwise motions with your fingertips on different parts of the animal’s body.

Your pet must also be given the opportunity to give you affection. This will happen naturally in your play time together, but she may also enjoy cozying up with you in your lap, sitting by your side, kissing your hand and face, etc. at other times as well. Make yourself available to your pet as much as you can. Some pets are content just to have you be in the same room with them. Remember, you are the main person in your pet’s life, and she will get lonely without you, especially if she doesn’t have an animal friend.

Sometimes, no matter how much affection you give to your pet, she will need an animal friend. I first experienced this with my Pekingese puppy Addie. Before I adopted her in December 2003, I had always had rescue dogs and cats, usually older individuals who were content to spend most of their time in my lap or by my side. I already had my two rescue German Shepherds, Hanna and Alex, at the time I got Addie, but they had been raised together and continued to spend most of their time with one another. I had never had to consider how to take care of an animal’s emotional needs as these older pets were content to be played with a few minutes a day and then to either play with one another or to rest.

My 17 ½ year old Pekingese, Sir Addison, had passed away in August 2003, and the void he’d left in heart was not healing. So my husband Dean suggested that I get a Pekingese puppy in the hope that this would cheer me up. Lady Addison (“Addie”) came into my life when she was 2 ½ months old. She was a little white fur ball of love, joy, and endless affection. I played with her for hours each day, and she loved it, but I also had to spend many hours working at the computer (I’m a writer), and during this time she became bored and lonely.

Addie tried to get the extra love she needed from Hanna and Alex. She would cuddle up with them as much as possible and even stand below their faces on her hind legs, her tongue darting upwards as she hoped to reach them for a kiss. But she was rarely able to do so. For a long time, they didn’t quite know what to make of her and generally ignored her. (Alex: “Do you think it’s a cat?” Hanna: “I don’t know. It’s some sort of alien creature. We’d better keep our distance!”) So poor Addie was lonely much of the time, even though everyone in our household petted her as much as possible.

Addie was and is a people person, completely ecstatic whenever someone walks into the room. She runs to them as fast as her little legs will carry her, full of kisses as she rubs her body against theirs. As a baby, she seemed to always be happiest when we’d do a bookstore or school appearance because scores of people would pet her. I remember the first time I took her to a bookstore to promote my Pekingese books. She sat in her little bed on the table next to the books and would stand on her hind legs whenever someone entered the store, her tail wagging so fast it was like a helicopter blade. If they came to greet her, she was in heaven. If they didn’t notice her or for any other reason didn’t approach her, her little body would sink back into her bed, her tail drooping.

I knew that poor Addie needed more love in her life, but I didn’t know how to provide it. At first, I took her to various dog events, which temporarily made her quite happy. I also considered dog parks (a great idea for sociable dogs), but there were none near us. However, after a playtime out with other dogs, she seemed just as lonely as ever once we got home.

So I put an ad in the local newspaper, “Free pet sitting for one small dog.” Soon Pierre the miniature poodle began coming to our house (I work at home) about 50 hours a

week while his mother worked. Even this wasn’t enough for Addie. She’d sit by the door and stare out the window for long periods of time each day after he left, missing him. Worse yet, after only a month or two, a change in his mother’s living and work situation made it impossible for Pierre to continue coming. Addie was devastated.

Then my Mom arrived from out of state with her little Pekingese Brenda. During their two-week stay, Addie was in heaven. Brenda became her best friend, and they played together nearly every waking moment. Addie regained a certain brightness and joy that she’d lost after Pierre had to stop coming. But soon my Mom and Brenda needed to head back to their home in San Diego, and Addie was once again left without a small dog companion.

I became very worried about Addie. She was listless, barely eating, and skinny as a rail. Shortly afterwards, on the day she turned six months old, she competed in her first dog show. We saw her breeder, Joy Thoms, ¹ at the show as well as Addie’s litter mate Chenin Blanc, who was already about twice tiny Addie’s size. Joy remarked that Addie was the spitting image of her litter mate, Little Big Man. No one wanted him, Joy said, because he, like Addie, was too small to compete effectively at the shows.

My heart went out to Little Big Man. I remembered him from when I’d first gone to visit Joy’s kennel soon after the puppies’ birth. He was the tiniest one of all and had repeatedly tried to climb into my lap and curl up there. I’d been tempted to adopt him, but after having had a boy Pekingese, I thought it would be a nice change to have a girl. And little Addie had managed to climb all the way up my chest and wrap her paws around my neck the second time I met her. It was pretty obvious that she’d chosen me, and so I chose her. At the time it had never occurred to me to adopt both these puppies. My husband Dean is not really a dog person, and Addie already made three dogs in our household.

But when I went home from the dog show and told Dean about Little Big Man’s plight—that no one wanted him, and we already knew that Addie was lonely—Dean suggested that we adopt him! The next day our son Derek drove all the way to Joy’s kennel in Molalla, Oregon (we live north of Seattle, Washington) to pick him up.

Adopting Little Big Man, whom we renamed Rocky, was the best thing I could have done for Addie. She immediately went back to being joyful all the time, gained weight, and finally had a permanent best friend to play with to occupy the many hours when I couldn’t be with her.

In Addie’s case, as for many animals, the best love tip beyond my giving her a lot of affection was for her to have her own animal companion! I often see Addie lying on her back while Rocky kisses her again and again all over her little face and belly. I’ve seen him kiss her up to 15 minutes at a time. (Of course, Addie kisses him too, but not quite as extensively!) They also wrestle, run around the house and yard side by side (exploring and sharing everything they find), hunt together (unfortunately, at least 2 mice, one squirrel, and one bird have met their demise from the Addie-Rocky hunting team), and sometimes fight over food and treats. But any argument soon passes, and they go back to cuddling or kissing, as they do briefly or for extended periods many times a day.

Rocky is the love of Addie’s life, and Addie is the love of Rocky’s life. The fact that Addie’s been spayed has done nothing to diminish their affection in any way. (I had to spay Addie when we got Rocky because I don’t have the expertise nor the time necessary to raise puppies.) So don’t think that your pet’s love life has ended because s/he’s been fixed! The need for love and companionship is not related to sexuality. To make the most of friendship between pets, all you have to do is to allow them to have unstructured time together. They will do the rest.

Besides having animal friends to love, it can also be important for your pet to have other human friends. I encourage both Addie and Rocky to spend time with other loving people as much as possible, and they seem to enjoy it immensely.

If your pet should turn out to be gay and that’s something that is difficult for you, it is important for you to nevertheless accept him or her. Animals are very tuned into the emotions of those around them and thus can feel hurt and rejected just by our thoughts and feelings. I heard about a right-wing Christian who was at first devastated when he found out from his pet daycare facility that his Chihuahua was gay. But because of his love for his pet, he came to terms with it, bought the Chihuahua a cute little leather jacket, and even allowed him to spend extra time with the large male dog the Chihuahua had fallen in love with. We must love humans and animals regardless of their sexual orientation. Every being is worthy of love and acceptance.

How do you choose the right friend for your pet if, like Addie, s/he needs an animal companion? It’s impossible to predict which animal or even which species of animal your pet will feel drawn to. Some dogs and cats are best friends. I even know of a dog whose best friend is a deer. Consider taking your pet to local events, such as pet shows, dog parks, animal club meetings, neighborhood meetings, etc. where s/he can be exposed to other animals and choose his/her own friend. I said ‘local’ because it won’t do your pet much good to make a friend who lives too far away for them to see each other regularly.

Better yet, as in Addie’s case, see if you can adopt an animal companion for your pet. You might start by meeting other animals who are the same species and breed as your current animal. Sometimes it’s easier for a pet to identify with another creature who’s very much like him/her. But don’t reject opportunities for your pet to meet others who are very different from him/her. You never know in advance who s/he will really click with. Obviously, you must observe your pet closely as you give him/her time to interact with his/her potential new companion. The last thing you want to do is to adopt another animal whom your current pet dislikes.

Once your pet has a constant playmate and friend, you’ll still want to spend as much time with the two of them as you can. Addie and Rocky are always ecstatic to see and play with me, especially just after I’ve come home from being out for awhile and after I’ve been on my computer for a few hours. First thing in the morning, once or twice in the afternoon, and last thing in the evening, I spend at least 5 or 10 minutes playing with them. I also frequently clear their energy field (procedure described below) to keep them happy and feeling loved and loving. In addition, I take them on at least one good walk a day and allow them to play outside unsupervised close to our house. (We’re in the countryside, living in the middle of forty acres, but if you’re in the city, obviously you can’t allow your pets to play outside unsupervised unless they’re in a fenced area.)

Before I got Rocky, Addie was becoming increasingly lethargic and sad. When I consulted with an animal communicator, ²it turned out that this was not only because she needed a buddy. Addie had decided that one of her primary purposes in life was to care for and protect me. So whenever negative energy came my way, she would step between me and it, absorbing it into her little body to shield me. I was really moved—this selfless action showed her great love for me! But, sweet as this was, it was really damaging her health, and so I had to take action to protect her. The communicator worked to clean out Addie’s chakras and then suggested that I do the following maintenance on her. I now do this on both Addie and Rocky several times a week. You could even do it every day on your pet, if you’re so inclined.

Imagine that you’re holding the large end of a tennis racket between your two palms as they are stretched out in front of you, facing each other. This is a special tennis racket—one that can trap and filter out any negative or old energy that your pet no longer needs. Place your hands on either side of your pet’s body (not touching but a few inches away from him/her) and pull the tennis racket through his/her body, from head to tail or tail to head. Imagine that you’re pulling out everything that may in any way be impeding your pet’s health or energy flow. Do this several times, and after each pass through his/her body, imagine that the energy you’ve pulled out sinks down into the earth where it is recycled and transformed.

Your pet will feel your moving this energy and may wiggle around or even stare at you curiously in the process. When you feel like his/her energy field is relatively clear, then let the tennis racket go and place your hands side by side over his/her head, palms facing the animal. Imagine that you are channeling a stream of healing golden light through your hands and into your pet’s body. Imagine him/her becoming filled with this golden light and see it nourishing him/her physically, mentally, and emotionally. Then imagine a bubble of clear or golden light surrounding your pet’s body, protecting him/her from anything that could cause harm.

Another thing you can do, which has been helpful for both Addie and Rocky, is to say affirmations for your pet while tapping his/her chest lightly (just over the thymus is best). In Addie’s case, her health has not always been the best, so my favorite affirmation for her is, “I am vibrant and healthy.” Rocky, on the other hand, has always been very healthy physically but came to us feeling unworthy of existing because no one wanted him at his former home. His affirmation is usually, “Everlasting life! I am worthy of living.” Another thing that’s greatly benefited Rocky (especially with his fear issues) is flower essence therapy. I encourage you to learn about flower essences (you can buy them at your local natural grocery store) because they can treat many emotional and mental issues as well as enhance a pet’s joy, happiness, and feelings of love.

I’d like to close this essay by again emphasizing the great love pets can show for one another. One of the most remarkable cases I’ve witnessed is between my former dog, Sir Addison, and my Mom’s former dog, Lillian, a six-pound Yorkie. I was inspired to write a children’s picture book, The Princess and the Pekinese, while longing for Lillian to accept Addison, the new arrival who had ended her reign as “only dog” during the time she and my Mom lived with us. For three years Addison tried unsuccessfully to befriend

the hostile Lillian. If he even looked at her, she’d growl at him, and heaven help him if he had the nerve to approach her! The two finally achieved an uneasy truce only after he learned to avoid the snooty Yorkie, who imagined herself a human being, or at least a Great Dane.

But then one day, after my Mom and Lillian moved away but returned for a visit, I noticed Lillian sitting right next to Addison instead of as far away as possible. Later Addison’s paw was around Lillian, and she snuggled up to him rather than snarling. After dinner that night, Lillian suddenly dropped dead from an apparent heart attack. No one was more upset than Addison, who refused to eat, drink, or even move for days.

I met with an animal communicator, who revealed not only how dearly Addison had loved Lillian but also the puzzling news that Lillian’s death was due not to her own illness but to something she wanted to accomplish through her death. I couldn’t figure out what this could possibly be.

A few days later, my husband Dean and I left for a month abroad. Because Lillian was gone and my Mom was distraught, she asked if she could take Addison home to San Diego for company while we were gone. Otherwise, he would have stayed in Tonasket with the people who had agreed to care for our German Shepherds Hanna and Alex.

When we returned from Europe, Hanna and Alex were thin and sickly. They were half starved and had been left outside the whole time exposed to wolf and coyote attacks. If Addison had been in this situation, he surely would have died. Instead, he came home from his visit with my Mom looking healthy and pampered. It was then that I realized the mysterious reason for Lillian’s death: she had given her life to save Addison’s.

By Trisha Howell

Read here:

“Ordinarily people love only when their conditions are fulfilled. They say, “You should be like this, only then will I love”. A mother says to the child, “I’ll love you only if you behave”. A wife says to the husband, “You have to be this way, only then can I love you”. Everybody creates conditions: love disappears.

Love is an infinite sky! You cannot force it into narrow spaces, conditioned, limited. If you bring fresh air into your house and close it off from everywhere–all the windows closed, all the doors closed–soon it becomes stale. Whenever love happens it is a part of freedom; then soon you bring that fresh air into your house and everything goes stale, dirty.

This is a deep problem for the whole of humanity–it has been a problem. When you fall in love everything looks beautiful, because in those moments you don’t put conditions. Two persons move near each other unconditionally. Once they have settled, once they have started taking each other for granted, then conditions are being imposed: “You should be like this, you should behave like that, only then will I love”–as if love is a bargain.

When you don’t love out of your fullness of heart, you are bargaining. You want to force the other person to do something for you, only then will you love; otherwise you will betray your love. Now you are using your love as a punishment, or as an enforcement, but you are not loving. Either you are trying to withhold your love or you are giving your love, but in both cases love in itself is not the end, something else is.

People come to me, they always say, “The other is not loving me.” Nobody comes and says, “I am not loving the other.” Love has become a demand: “The other is not loving me.” Forget about the other! Love is such a beautiful phenomenon, if you love you will enjoy.

And the more you love, the more you become lovable. The less you love and the more you demand that others should love you, the less and less you are lovable, the more and more you become closed, confined to your ego. And you become touchy–even if somebody approaches you to love you, you become afraid, because in every love there is a possibility of rejection, withdrawal.

Nobody loves you–this has become an ingrained thought within you. How is this man trying to change your mind? He is trying to love you? Must be something false, is he trying to deceive you? Must be a cunning man, tricky. You protect yourself. You don’t allow anybody to love you and you don’t love others. Then there is fear. Then you are alone in the world, so alone, so lonely, not connected.

If you understand me well, drop all fears and love more–and love unconditionally. Don’t think that you are doing something for the other when you love; you are doing something for yourself. When you love it is beneficial to you. So don’t wait; don’t say that when others love, you will love–that is not the point at all.

Be selfish. Love is selfish. Love people–you will be fulfilled through it, you will be getting more and more blessedness through it. And when love goes deeper, fear disappears; love is the light, fear is darkness.

OSHO: “From his book Courage, The Joy of Living Dangerously”

Every woman dreams of being with a lover whose passion is so intense and body is so strong that he can last and last and last. Every man wants to be able to fulfill those dreams. He wants to know that he can have intercourse for as long as he wishes, bringing his partner to climax after climax. It certainly sounds wonderful, but is it possible?

You are about to learn the secrets of male multiple orgasm. By the time you have completed this book, your understanding of sexual potential and sexual power will be changed forever. You will learn how to prolong lovemaking for as long as you and your partner desire. Men will learn how to master their own bodies. They will learn how to have complete, powerful orgasms without losing their erections, and how to have multiple orgasms-two, three, or even more-just like a woman.

I know that this may be hard to believe. It’s hard to imagine that such sexual powers could exist for anyone. Maybe for a twenty- year-old with unlimited energy or some yogi with extraordinary abilities, or maybe at the beginning of a torrid love affair, if you should be so lucky. But not for your average guy. No, for most normal men with normal sexual equipment, it seems like making love all night whenever you want-no matter how long you’ve been married

or how old you are-is a fantasy. Until today. Today, everything is going to change; today, those fantasies are going to come true.

In this book, I’m going to teach men how to explore and enjoy their sexuality in ways they may not have believed possible. I’m going to prove to you that male multiple orgasm is not just part of some romance writer’s imagination, but an easily attainable reality. You are going to discover how a multiorgasmic man can offer his partner a level of pleasure and fulfillment more intense than either one of them could have ever hoped for.

The ability to control one’s penis-to literally stay up all night-is not the exclusive domain of Eastern masters. There are plenty of men who have already learned to control their erections in ways you would find hard to imagine. These men can have multiple orgasms without losing their erections (two orgasms, three orgasms, or even more if they choose). They drive their women wild hour after hour, night after night. They’re doing it right now-and they’ll still be doing it long after you’ve gone to sleep.

These men are not sexual supermen. They are normal, average guys. Some are young, some are old, some are tall, some are small, some are thin, some are overweight, some are bashful, and some are bold. Some have large penises, some have small penises, some have thick penises, and some have slender penises. Some have sex once a week, and some have sex almost every day. The only thing these men all have in common is the desire to please themselves and pleasure their partners, and the discipline to master a simple technique.

I know over two hundred of these men personally. They are not friends or lovers, but they are men who have learned the secrets of male multiple orgasm and staying power at the various therapy clinics where I have worked. Over the past ten years, I have had the opportunity to train more than one hundred of these men, one on one, from start to finish. The rest are men whose training and progress I have been at least partially involved with through my clinical work.

What I’m trying to say, without sounding intimidating or otherwise off-putting, is that I have seen many men become multiorgasmic and increase their staying power. And there is something extremely important you need to know before you read any further: I have never met a motivated man who couldn’t master the techniques that lead to male multiple orgasm. Never. I know that every man who reads this book and follows the exercises I describe can master these techniques too.

If you are a woman reading this book, extraordinary surprises and unimaginable pleasures await you. Whether you choose to work with your partner as he learns these techniques, or be a supportive bystander, your understanding of what it means to be intimate with a man is about to be redefined forever.

If you are a man reading this book, you are, about to enter into a new relationship-a new and exciting relationship with your own penis. You will never be the same. The payoffs are unlimited- payoffs for you, payoffs for your partner, and payoffs for your

relationship. By the time you finish this book and complete the simple exercises I describe, you will be a changed man. After you’ve had your first multiple orgasm, you won’t believe you waited this long, but you will believe in yourself and in the power of your own sexuality.

What Makes Me Such an Expert?

I know more about men’s penises than most men do. It’s my job. I’m a sex therapist.

I’m also a former sex surrogate. A female sex surrogate is someone who teaches men how to control and improve their sexual performance and enjoy their own sexuality.

To be a sex surrogate you have to know men and you have to know men’s penises. Truth is, you have to know men’s penises better than most men do. Sure, the typical man knows what he likes and dislikes, he knows his strengths and weaknesses, and he may even be keenly aware of his fears and what he believes to be his limitations. But from where I sit, this awareness is very limited. When you work with hundreds of men, you see things that no one man could ever see for himself. You recognize how easy it is for a man to have sexual tunnel vision because of the limitations of his own experience. You also realize how different men are, and how much there is to learn from the experiences of other men.

I Know What Men Can Do and I Know What Women Want

I have made the study of human sexual response my life’s work. I know what the average man’s true capabilities are, and believe me, they are far more than you could-ever imagine.

I know what women want too because I’m not just a sex therapist-I’m also a woman. I understand how a woman feels when she’s in bed with someone she loves. On a professional basis, I’ve listened to countless women talk about their lovemaking. But even more revealing in some ways are the hours I have spent talking about sex with women friends, all of us letting our hair down and telling the truth about what we like and what we want.

Even a woman who loves a man very deeply can feel frustrated and unfulfilled by his sexual limitations. Unfortunately, many women equate sex with compromise and sacrifice. Few women regularly experience the kind of lovemaking they dream of, and even fewer believe it’s actually possible. That’s the bad news. The good news is that this is about to change.

If you are a woman looking for more satisfaction from your partner and more understanding for yourself, I’m going to teach you everything you and your partner need to know about male multiple orgasm. If you are a man who is reading this book, I want you to think of me as a personal trainer-someone who can teach you the techniques and exercises that will change everything you have ever believed about sex.

Can We Talk?

Remember that big “talk” you had about sex with your dad when you were just a kid? Who could forget it? It was probably one of the most awkward moments of your childhood, right? Sure he did the best he could, but you probably were left to fill in a whole lot of gaps by yourself. Well, it’s time for another talk. This time, you and 1 need to talk about sex . . . really talk. If you have a partner, she should listen too. I’m not going to pull any punches here. When it comes to sex, there are a lot of things most people just don’t know. I’m not talking about sexual trivia-I’m talking about the critical things that stop most people from ever having a truly fulfilling sex life.

Please don’t get insulted. I know that you know a lot about sex. Everyone does, whether they want to or not. After all, it’s a subject that’s hard to avoid in the nineties. Turn on the TV, plug in the radio, open a book, go to the movies, flip through a magazine . . . what do you see? Sex, sex, sex. From Howard Stern to Melrose Place, from Donahue to pay-per-view, we’re getting educated by osmosis. But that doesn’t mean it’s a very good education.

Knowing a lot about sex is not the same as being sexually fulfilled. Knowing a lot about sex doesn’t always change what happens in the bedroom. No matter how much you’ve heard, read, and seen, sex can still feel like the greatest mystery in the world. No one likes to feel, insecure about something as important as sex, but the truth is, at some point everyone feels as though everyone else on the planet is making love more often and more exquisitely than they are. Sometimes it feels as though all of this sexual education has only made us more unsure.

It’s time to change all that and start filling in all of those gaps once and for all. I couldn’t think of a better place to start than learning about male multiple orgasm, which will change everything you ever thought you knew about sex. In fact, it will change everything. Period. It certainly did for me and for the many men and women with whom I’ve worked. I’m sure it will for you too.

Two Men Who Changed My Understanding of Male Sexuality

Male multiple orgasm. Wow! What a concept. I’ll never forget how skeptical I felt when I first heard about it back in 1980. It was my second week of “basic training” for sexual surrogates at the Riskin-Banker Psychotherapy Center in Tustin, California.

Sex therapy is an important area of specialization at Riskin- Banker, and part of their therapeutic work involves the use of surrogates, both male and female. As it turns out, two of the male surrogates who worked there at the time were both capable of achieving multiple orgasm. On certain occasions, they actually used these techniques during work with their female clients.

If I hadn’t actually known these two men personally, I might have never believed such a thing was possible. Sure, I knew all about multiple orgasm in women. But men? How could men have multiple

orgasms? I had a million questions that needed answering. As I listened to each of these men talk in detail about their unusual abilities, I knew that my understanding of male sexuality was about to change radically and permanently.

By the time my training was complete, I had all the proof of male multiple orgasm I ever needed. Since then I have spent most of my time working hard with other clinicians and clients to develop and perfect a variety of techniques that any man or couple could practice in the comfort of their own home. Today, I want to share those techniques with you. Why? Because I care about relationships and I care about sex. We need to have good sex in our relationships. Good sex brings us closer together. It strengthens intimacy and cements the bond. It can even save a marriage. We can’t try to hide from this. Quite the contrary-we need to do everything we can to celebrate the importance of a rich sexual connection.

Are You Ready for a Change Too?

Is the possibility of a truly exciting sex life the kind of news you’ve been waiting for, or does it all sound too good to be true? For some people, the concept of male multiple orgasm seems perfectly logical, but to others, it may seem somewhat unnatural, or even downright impossible.

If you’re feeling a bit skeptical or uneasy right now, that’s normal. It has to be somewhat disconcerting to think we don’t know such a vital piece of sexual information. But as any good sex therapist will confirm for you, new sexual techniques are being developed all the time as we discover more about our bodies and our sexual capabilities. These new discoveries can be intimidating at first, but ultimately they’re very good news for all of us.

So relax if you can and try to be as open as possible. Believe me, even if you have your doubts right now, they won’t last. I’m not here to teach you theory, but to deliver the goods. By the time you have finished the exercises in this book, I know you will be a believer, with all the proof you ever need right in your own hands. Literally.

Was That a Smile I Just Saw?

I hope that by now I’ve already made you smile, or even laugh. We all need to laugh a little bit more about sex, and I believe in using humor to help people learn about sex. Don’t get me wrong-I’m not a comedienne. I have a Ph.D. in psychology and I take sex very seriously-so you don’t have to.

I like sex and I believe in sex. I think it’s one of the most wonderful things that can happen between a man and a woman. I think its value to a relationship is immeasurable. But I also think we need to be able to laugh about sex and during sex. Here’s my bottom line: I believe that sex should be easy and wonderful and fun for everyone. Having sex should be like going to Disneyland-tons of different rides, plenty to eat, and fireworks at midnight-only

better because you don’t have to wait on line. Does that sound good to you?

Four Typical Men Who Want to Learn About Male Multiple Orgasm

You’ve already met Daniel. Right now, I’d like to introduce you to four other men: Fred, David, Josh, and Mark. As you will see,

each of these men has a different reason for wanting to learn about male multiple orgasm, and every reason is valid. Maybe you will recognize some of your own needs and concerns in one of their stories. I think most men have something in common with at least one of these four men.

FRED’S STORY

Fred has always found it very easy to express his sexuality. He is currently married for the second time and he and his wife Janice have a very active sex life. Because sex is important to Fred, he wants to make sure it stays that way.

Right now, he and Janice make love almost every night and many mornings as well. Fred says that to him it’s sort of like brushing his teeth-something you do routinely at regular intervals of the day. But Fred is becoming worried that his “refractory period”-the length of time between erections-is getting longer. Or, as Fred puts it, “Lately, I can’t always get it up twice a day.” Fred is interested in finding new techniques that will allow him to continue to spend large amounts of time having sex with his wife. Janice thinks that’s a pretty good idea.

DAVID’S STORY

David has a completely different reason for being interested in learning about male multiple orgasm. He worries that he can’t keep an erection long enough to satisfy his wife, Debbie, and he’s concerned that she is not as happy in bed as she would like to be. It seems that no matter how hard David tries, he can’t sustain an erection for much longer than five minutes. He laughs when he refers to himself as “a quickie,” but he doesn’t really think it’s funny. He’s willing to try anything that will bring Debbie to orgasm, but he knows what his wife really needs is prolonged intercourse.

In truth, David never had much control over his erection, but when he and Debbie first started sleeping together he felt so much desire that after he reached orgasm he was able to have a second erection within ten or fifteen minutes. The second time, it was easier for him to hold back his own orgasm and ejaculation, allowing him to prolong intercourse long enough for Debbie to reach orgasm. Over time, however, David lost this ability, and that’s been a problem for Debbie.

Debbie agrees. David has read several books that promise he can become a great lover by learning to press the right spots on a woman’s body. But when he tries these techniques on Debbie, they don’t really seem to be working. They don’t work because other books don’t explain the philosophy behind the techniques, and David ends up “working on” Debbie instead of enjoying himself.

Touching is nice, and oral sex is great, but Debbie needs more intercourse to feel satisfied. She misses the long sessions of lovemaking. Sometimes she feels that she is just beginning to get excited as David is already ejaculating. Knowing that this is going

to happen makes her nervous and uncomfortable when they’re having intercourse. She feels as though she is spending more time thinking about David’s erection than she is about her own pleasure. She loves David and she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings, so she gasps and moans and pretends to have an orgasm. But it’s not the same, and she knows it. Worse still, he knows it.

Both Debbie and David want the same thing: sex that is passionate and prolonged. They want to feel comfortable with themselves and with each other. David wants desperately to last long enough to bring his wife to orgasm through intercourse. When he thinks of making love to her, in his head he can continue for hours. Why doesn’t that happen in real life? By using the technique of male multiple orgasm, it can.

JOSH AND MARK

Mark has yet another set of reasons for wanting to learn about male multiple orgasm. Still a young man, Mark has yet to find a steady partner, and he has anxiety about his ability to perform well when he does. He wants to learn as much about sex as he can so that he will feel more secure and knowledgeable when he is with women.

Josh is only a few years older than Mark, but he considers himself very experienced sexually. He thinks of himself as a good lover and believes that he is able to maintain an erection long enough to satisfy any partner. But Josh has another concern: he is so mentally aware of “holding back” his orgasms in order to please the woman he’s with that it keeps him from fully enjoying the experience.

Until very recently, all of these men believed there was only one secret involved in being a good lover: “learning to play a woman’s body like a violin.” But that has all changed now. Today, these four men are enthusiastic and excited, having discovered that there is yet another secret that will allow them to bring pleasure to their partners while increasing their own pleasure.

What about you? Aren’t you tired of those violin lessons too? And if you’re a woman, aren’t you tired of being treated like a string instrument? Are you ready to finally learn something that can really make a difference in your sex life? I think you are. I think you’ve been ready for a long, long time.

So where do we begin? It is my experience that before a man can learn to have his first multiple orgasm he needs to learn a little bit more about himself. More specifically, he needs to develop a new, more sophisticated understanding of the main character in this book: his penis. With that in mind, it’s time to turn the page and take a new look at a very old friend …

Meet Your Penis

Before we go any further, I need to talk to you about your penis. Traditionally, men are intensely preoccupied with trying to learn the secret of mastering women’s bodies, yet they spend so little time trying to understand their own. The typical man is prepared to burn the midnight oil studying the intricacies of the female anatomy. He will happily pick up a flashlight and search endlessly for G spots, sun spots, or any other spots that will help him be a better lover, yet he barely knows his own equipment. There’s only one thing wrong with that: you can’t become multiorgasmic if you don’t know your own penis.

A Penis Is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Do you like your penis? Are you proud of it? Or are your positive feelings mixed with feelings of embarrassment, shame, and doubt? Don’t feel bad if they are. The truth is, it’s a rare man who is truly comfortable with his own penis. When it comes to their most private parts, most men feel extremely self-conscious and extremely vulnerable.

We need to change that. Why? Because a positive attitude about your own body is going to set the stage for a radical change in your sexual power. Every man needs to understand the following fact: the secret to being a good lover lies not within a woman’s body, but within his own. Any man can become a phenomenal lover if he understands that his greatest sexual power lies in his ability to understand and control his own penis.

If you want to become a sexual virtuoso, the first thing you need to do is master your own penis. Everything else will follow very quickly from there. To ignore the power of your own penis is to waste your greatest asset, and that’s a shame.

Aren’t You Tired of Having Sex with a Stranger?

You have known your penis all your life. You have known your penis longer than you have known your partner, your boss, your best friend, or your trusty dog Spuds. Yet, for all the time you’ve been together, you barely know it at all. Even though you probably take a good look at your equipment every single day, the real potential of your own penis has continued to elude you.

When was the last time you spent any quality time with your penis? When was the last time you two had a real heart-to-heart? I’d guess you were probably eleven or twelve years old at the time. Chances are that back then you were fascinated with your own equipment. It didn’t seem like there was enough time in the day for the two of you to get to know one another. But once you had your first few orgasms, that probably started to change. Once you discovered what felt good to you at the time, your curiosity began to wane. You found a formula that worked, you stuck with it, and that was that.

Even if you were tempted to experiment over the years, your attempts were probably more frustrating than fulfilling. A lack of

helpful information and an abundance of misinformation could only discourage your natural interest. Living in a world with so little to offer you, you did the best you could. You made peace with your penis and forged a working relationship that continues to this day. Sure, you might have tried something new once in a great while when you met a new partner or when you got a little bored, but chances are that ten, twenty-five, or even fifty years later, you’re doing pretty much the same thing that you did as an eleven-year-old.

But you’re not eleven anymore. You’ve grown up and your body has grown up. Your needs have changed, and now you have a partner who also has needs. Don’t you think it’s time to develop an adult understanding of your own equipment? Don’t you think it’s time to expand upon the mindset of that enthusiastic but naive eleven-year- old and get excited again about your sexual potential as a man?

Does Your Penis Have a Mind of Its Own?

In this chapter, I’m going to help you take the first step toward becoming more intimate with your penis. You are going to realize, probably for the first time, how you can gain control of your own equipment. This is a big switch for any man who believes it is his penis that is always at the helm.

Men typically treat their penises as though they were separate, disconnected objects with brains of their own. They say things like, “Don’t talk to me. . . talk to him. He did it.” They give their penises names like “Little Robert,” “Big Jim,” “Captain Fantastic,” or “Mr. Doozy.” I have to admit, this really makes me laugh because women are so different. How many women do you know who have pet names for their vaginas? How many times do you hear women affectionately refer to their genitals using names like “Miss Lucy” or “The Cannibal”? You don’t hear women saying things like, “I guess little Beth down there doesn’t want to come out to play today.”

There are lots of possible reasons why men treat their penises in this disconnected fashion. No doubt, there are some men who split themselves off from their penises because they don’t want to take responsibility for their own sexuality or the consequences of their own sexual behavior. It’s a great way to justify being careless or insensitive. I think even more men distance themselves from their genitals because they have problems dealing with the frustration of being unable to control their bodies. This makes any perceived sexual failures or perceived shortcomings easier to tolerate.

Because the penis is physically externalized-hanging out there, so to speak-it is more open to scrutiny. If a woman fails to get aroused, only she knows for sure. She may not be happy about it, but you won’t read about it in the tabloids. Not so for a man. If a penis isn’t doing what it’s supposed to do, everyone in the room knows it. If a man is having difficulties, the evidence is out there in the open for all to see. Even those satellites in outer space that photograph license plates are going to recognize a penis that

isn’t doing its job. That’s a lot of pressure-too much pressure for the average man.

Your New Best Friend

It may be easier to think your penis has its own personality, but a disconnected attitude like this ultimately will not serve you well. It may spare you some anxiety and discomfort, but it also robs you of much of your pleasure.

Your penis is not a separate entity subletting space in your underwear. It is not that noisy tenant downstairs who keeps you awake all night long. Don’t treat it that way. Your penis is an important part of you; it’s sometimes the most honest part of you. When you’re scared, your penis shows it. When you’re excited, your penis shows it. When you’re depressed; your penis knows it, and it behaves accordingly. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool your own penis. The two of you are totally connected, and you will be for the rest of your life. Now that’s no stranger, is it?

I tell men: Embrace your penis! Put out the welcome mat. Open a dialogue. Let it know it’s a part of you and let it know you care. It’s time to bring your penis in from the cold. The sooner you do, the sooner your sexuality will start to change. Now here’s the best news. If you like your penis, your partner is going to like your penis. If you’re proud of your penis, your partner is going to be proud of your penis. If you embrace your penis, your partner is going to embrace your penis. Sound good? I thought it would.

A Man Who Controls His Penis A Man in Demand

In my experience, there are two kinds of men in the world: men who control their penises and men who are controlled by their penises. A man who cannot control his penis is a man who lives in fear. He fears having his inadequacy discovered, not being able to have a satisfying sex life, and not being able to fulfill the woman he loves.

For all of us-male and female-the single greatest obstacle to sexual pleasure is fear of our own equipment. My goal is to begin dismantling some of that fear. A healthier relationship with one’s penis can dissolve many common performance anxieties by giving a man a true sense of control over his own functioning.

Sexual performance is not a mystery or something to be feared. Sexual functioning is a physiological process, just like breathing or sleeping-it just feels better. Like most other physiological processes, your sexual performance can be understood, altered, and improved. And that’s exactly what you are going to do, starting today.

An Important Anatomy Lesson

Everybody knows that the penis is not a muscle. If it was, you’d probably be at the gym right now. What most people don’t know

is that there is a muscle that plays a crucial role in the functioning of the penis: the pubococcygeus muscle (pyoo-bo-cock- see-gee-us). Say that five times fast.

The pubococcygeus muscle-or PC muscle, for short-is actually a group of muscles that run from the pubic bone to the tailbone. Now, you may already know this muscle in a different way. The PC muscle is the muscle you use to stop the flow of urine from the bladder. It is also the muscle that contracts when you ejaculate, moving the semen up through the penis and out of the body.

The PC muscle is a busy little muscle. But let me tell you, as far as most men are concerned, it is still grossly underemployed. Don’t you worry-we’re going to change all that very soon. Male multiple orgasm depends on a strong PC muscle. The PC muscle is the key to penile reformation. It’s your ticket to the big leagues . . . your way to the top. Most of the techniques you will learn in later chapters cannot be done without PC power. That’s why the first set of exercises I introduce in this book is designed specifically to “prep” the PC muscle. These exercises, found in chapter 4, are crucial and must be done first. They cannot be skipped and they cannot be taken lightly. So don’t skip them, and don’t take them lightly. Please.

Power to the PC

Now you may be thinking, “I’m not eighteen anymore. My penis doesn’t function like the penis of a younger man, exercise or no exercise.” Listen to me. It doesn’t matter how old or young you are. Is an eighteen-year-old too young to go to the gym to strengthen his biceps? Is a sixty-year-old too old to walk three miles a day to strengthen his heart? Of course not. A muscle can be strengthened at any age. Strengthening exercises like these also lead to better health and a better sense of well-being, not to mention improved self-esteem.

The penis is no different. The PC muscle is a muscle, plain and simple. It works and responds like any other muscle, and it can be strengthened like any other muscle. And I’ve never seen a muscle that had a greater impact on a man’s self-esteem.

Just a Few Minutes a Day

Mastering the techniques of male multiple orgasm is a snap once you are “PC-ready.” And prepping your PC-getting it combat-ready-is simple. But you must be willing to stick with the program. That’s why right now I’m going to ask you for a commitment.

I know how scary the word commitment can be to some guys, but this is one commitment you’ll never regret. Every man who is willing to do the work can bring his PC muscle to a state of readiness within two to three weeks. Often it takes even less than that. All you need is a few minutes a day to work the program. That’s right . . . just a few minutes a day. That’s a whole lot less time than you

probably spend in the gym right now working on every muscle in your body but the one that really counts.

I know you can do it. All you need to do is stay committed to the process. Remember, your ability to master the secrets of multiple orgasm depends on a strong PC muscle. So warm up those cold feet and say yes to a commitment that is bound to change your life.

Get Ready, Get Set…

We’re almost ready to start. There’s just one more piece of very important business we need to take care of. Within days of starting the exercise regimen in this book you are going to feel very different, and that’s going to feel very good. But you are not the only one who is going to be feeling different. If you have a partner, your loving partner is going to be profoundly affected by all of the changes about to take place in your body and in your head. You need to attend to that, and you need to do that right now.

I know that you’re probably feeling very excited about getting started. But it’s important to make sure that your partner shares your enthusiasm. That’s why, before I present any of the exercises, I must ask that you and your partner sit down and have a serious talk about the many ramifications of the journey you are both about to take …

Talking to Your Partner About Male Multiple Orgasm

Making love to a multiorgasmic man is not business as usual. The intensity of responses and performance abilities can be quite startling to a woman who is used to a one-orgasm guy.

I’m not a big believer in surprises when it comes to sex. If there is a woman in your life right now, we need to make sure that she is every bit as prepared and every bit as committed to the process as you are. Sex doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It happens between two people. Your needs are important, but the needs of the couple come first.

You will notice throughout the book that I have included guidelines for a partner in most of the exercises. Hopefully, your partner will want to follow those suggestions and take an active role in your development. Or maybe she’d rather just wait on the sidelines and reap the benefits at the end. That’s fine too. It’s up to both of you to decide what you’re most comfortable with. But either way, your partner needs to know what’s going on and you need to know that you have her support. I make sure that all of my clients have talked to their partners before they learn any of these techniques, and I must ask you to do the same thing. This conversation should not be taken lightly or given short shrift. A lot of changes are about to take place. Your attitude toward sex is about to change. Your attitude toward yourself is about to change.

So are your abilities, your physiology, and your level of desire. Your partner has got a lot to reckon with.

If these changes are not discussed in advance, your efforts could backfire. If you try to keep the whole thing a secret, your partner could feel very left out. She might get confused, or insecure, or even angry. If she’s used to Old Faithful, any kind of radical change could be quite disconcerting. She might even fear that you are having an affair and learning things from some other woman.

You are learning things from another woman, but this woman is a professional sex therapist whose only interest in you is that you learn techniques to enhance your relationship with your partner. The purpose of learning to become multiorgasmic is to bring you and your partner closer together. It is supposed to improve your relationship, not threaten it. You want your transformation to ignite your partner, not scare her. That’s why I want you two to have a conversation, and I want you to have it as soon as possible after you have finished reading this book for the first time.

Talk to your partner. Tell her what you’re up to, and don’t withhold anything. Give her as much information as possible. Let her know why this is important to you. Tell her what your goals are, being sure to explain the benefits you can foresee for the relationship. It is very important that she knows you are doing this for both of you. Finally, tell her how important it is for you to have her support.

Male Multiple Orgasm Should Bring a Couple Together

Some women want to make love for hours at a time, whereas some are happiest when it’s short and simple. The typical woman has different needs and desires on different days. What about your partner? What does she like, what does she want, and how might her needs vary from day to day and week to week? You need to know this information, and your conversation about embarking on this program is an ideal time to find out. Frankly, it’s the only way both of you will fully benefit from your newfound talents. Otherwise, you may be doing all kinds of things that your partner simply isn’t interested in.

Don’t get me wrong. Your needs are important. But you must always remember that your partner’s needs are equally important. There is nothing more unpleasant than a man who is just doing his thing, oblivious to what the woman really wants. Being a great lover means more than just tuning into your own body. Being a great lover means tuning into your partner’s body too, and even more important, it means tuning into her mind.

The beauty of being multiorgasmic is that it gives you the kind of sexual flexibility you’ve never experienced before. For the first time, you can get tremendous pleasure without sacrificing any of your partner’s needs. Your experience will be much more intense, but you’re also going to help make hers more intense. You’re doing

wonderful things for yourself, but you also can attend to her in ways you never could before. No one has to make huge compromises or be shortchanged.

I have heard women complain about insensitive men who seem uninterested in what a woman really needs or men who couldn’t go the distance. But I must tell you, I have never heard a woman complain about a man who could offer her whatever she desired.

When you and your partner have your talk, it is very important to talk about your needs, but it is probably even more important to talk about her needs. Let her tell you what she wants and what she doesn’t want. Does anything make her uncomfortable? Is there anything she fears? Listen carefully to her answers, and don’t assume anything. You may be surprised to discover that you know less about your partner than you think. This is a wonderful opportunity to express your caring and develop more closeness, and I encourage you to take advantage of it.

If your partner has a lot of questions about her specific role in your “training,” reading through the book should give her the answers she is looking for. As you read through each partner exercise (some exercises do not require a partner), you will note that both the man’s role and the woman’s role are always clearly addressed. I highly recommend that both partners read the book, even if the woman is not going to participate in any of the exercises.

Every woman is different, and there is no way I can predict how your partner is going to respond to everything I present in this book. Personally, I hope she wants to make this a joint venture, so to speak. I say this because I know from experience that when a woman gets involved in the process it makes everything a lot more exciting for both partners. But, as I said before, it isn’t necessary for a woman to help her man learn these new techniques; she only needs to be there at the finish line with a big smile on her face.

The Complete PC Workout

I’m a big believer in foreplay, but enough is enough. It’s time to get started. In this chapter you are going to learn the first set of simple exercises that will set the stage for taking control of your sexuality the way you have always imagined. Mastering them is the crucial first step on the path to a lifetime of pleasure and power as a multiorgasmic male. The following three exercises are the most important exercises in the book. Please take them very seriously. It is important to take your time, follow my instructions carefully, and try to be very thorough.

Unlike many of the exercises that follow, this first set of exercises is most easily accomplished on your own. If you have a partner who is waiting to work with you, let her know you’ll be ready for her soon. You just need to prepare a few things. This should heighten her anticipation and make her all the more enthusiastic when it’s time for her to join in.

So . . . let the games begin. Enjoy yourself! And don’t forget: PC power is ultimate power.

Exercise 1: Hide and Seek

The very first thing you need to do is find your PC muscle. For some men this is very simple-you probably knew where to find it the moment I mentioned it. You may even be squeezing it right now.

But many men are completely unfamiliar with the muscles in this area of the body. All of the individual muscles close to the groin-

buttocks, abdomen, thighs, and PC-may feel the same. They might all feel like one big muscle mass. That needs to change right now. Here is the simplest way to find your PC muscle and isolate it from all the others.

First, gently place one or two fingers right behind your testicles. Pretend that you are urinating. Now try to stop the flow. That muscle you just used to turn off the flow from the bladder is your PC muscle. Did you feel it tightening? Maybe you also noticed that your penis and testicles “jumped” a little when you flexed your PC.

It is very important that your stomach muscles and thigh muscles remain relaxed. Did they get tense too? Try again. This time focus just on the PC.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP; You are not trying to get an erection here, and you do not need an erection to exercise the PC. So relax, and let your penis respond naturally to these exercises.

Exercise 2: Squeeze Play (three to five minutes a day)

Now that you’ve found your PC muscle, here is your next exercise: Three times a day, flex the PC twenty times. Hold it for one or two seconds each time, then release. That’s it. Twenty squeezes, three times a day. I know it sounds simple, but words cannot express how important this exercise is.

You do not need to keep your finger on the PC during these exercises. You should be able to feel it move internally. If you don’t, or if you’re not sure, then keep your finger on the PC the first few times you do your exercises.

Breathe normally during this exercise. Like any other muscle- building exercise, proper breathing is always important. You don’t want to hold your breath.

I want you to repeat this exercise three times a day, every day, for three weeks. A consistent exercise regimen is the most effective way to maximize the strengthening of your PC muscle in the shortest amount of time. And it’s worth every moment.

ROAD TRIP

I know this sounds like a commercial, but these PC exercises are easy and can be done anywhere-in the car, at the beach, or while sitting at your desk. Many men tell me that half the fun of prepping is being able to do it in broad daylight in front of city hall with no fear of being arrested for indecent exposure! Okay, I’m exaggerating. But men do tell me that prepping the PC is a lot of fun.

Now that you’ve isolated your PC muscle and learned how to squeeze, you might want to take your act on the road. Do you ride the bus to work? A perfect opportunity. Long line at the bank? Why not. Having lunch alone? Not anymore. Of course, you may prefer to keep your exercise regimen safe at home, but you have many options.

TWO PC PITFALLS

These exercises are not hard, but there are two common mistakes men make when they start these exercises that you need to be aware of before we go any further:

MISTAKE 1: Doing too many reps. I know you’re feeling very enthusiastic right now, but there is such a thing as overdoing it. The PC muscle can get sore like any other muscle. You may have already discovered this on your own. Go slow at first, as you would when you start any other exercise for the first time, and let the muscle build. You can pour it on later.

MISTAKE 2: Failing to isolate the PC. The PC is a small group of muscles, which need to be isolated from the many larger muscles close by during your exercises. As I said before, it is important that your stomach, upper thighs, and buttocks are all completely relaxed when you are working out the PC. They should not be moving.

Are you having difficulty isolating the PC from other muscles? Many men have this problem when they try these exercises for the first time. Not to worry. If you can’t stop yourself from tensing other muscles during your PC exercises, you simply need to exhaust these muscles first so they don’t interfere with your new exercise regimen.

Let’s say you have a tendency to tense your stomach muscles during your PC workout. What you need to do is tense and untense your stomach muscles at least ten or twenty times before you begin your PC exercises. That should tire them out enough so they don’t get in the way. The same applies for buttock, thigh, and groin muscles. If you have to work these muscles really hard before you get to work on your PC, that’s okay. Do thirty or forty reps if twenty isn’t enough. This may sound like a lot of work, but you’re not going to have to do this for the rest of your life-just for a couple of days.

Once you have really isolated your PC, your muscle “confusion” should dissolve, leaving you free to devote your full attention to working the program. With that in mind, let us now return to our regularly scheduled program, already in progress.

Exercise 3: The Big Squeeze (two to three minutes a day)

Have you done your reps three times a day for the last three weeks? Good. Now you’re ready to learn what I call “The Big Squeeze”

(a.k.a. “The Power Squeeze” or “The Death Grip”). I want you to keep doing your twenty quick squeezes, three times a day. But now you’re going to add ten really slow squeezes. This is what you do. Take five seconds to slowly squeeze your PC as tight as you can. Now hold the tension for a full five seconds, if possible. Finally, release

the tension gradually over the next five seconds. You should be able to feel yourself really working the muscle.

This might be a bit difficult at first. You may only be able to do one or two fifteen-second squeezes before you tire. That’s okay. But try to eventually work up to ten full repetitions, each taking ten to fifteen seconds. It may take you a few days, or even a few weeks, to get there. That’s okay. It’s more important that you don’t push yourself too hard. You’re not training to be an American Gladiator. Just enjoy the process and keep squeezing.

Meet Early and Meet Often

The PC workout is like any other workout. The harder you work, the faster and more impressive the results. The great thing about the PC is that, unlike some muscles, it responds so quickly to being exercised. No matter how intense or casual your workout is, you won’t have to spend months and months before you notice a difference, As you will soon see, the PC workout brings immediate gratification. Still, you need to be thorough.

There are several steps to becoming multiorgasmic, but building up the PC is the crucial first step. Don’t give it short shrift. There are no deadlines here, no clocks to punch, and no boss to report to. The most important thing is to get the job done. Are you one of those people who takes the new VCR out of the box and tries to make it work without reading a single page of the instruction manual? I’m the same way. But this kind of attitude simply won’t work when it comes to mastering the techniques for male multiple orgasm.

My grandmother used to say to me, “You can’t run in the Olympics until you’ve learned to tie your sneakers.” Listen to grandma. Take it one step at a time and take your time on every step. You’ll be at the finish line before you know it, being hugged by your biggest fan. Meanwhile, that will give us some time to talk a little bit more about the miracle of male multiple orgasm.

Male Multiple Orgasm-The Secret Revealed

What exactly is male multiple orgasm? Is it anything like a regular orgasm or is it completely different? Is it better than a regular orgasm? Is it a lot of work? Is it different from female multiple orgasm? Can any man have one? Questions, questions, questions. Your head is probably spinning from all of the questions you have at this very moment. And let us not forget the most important one of all: How do you do it?

Male Multiple Orgasm: My Definition

A multiorgasmic man, quite simply, is a man who can have two or more orgasms in a row without resting. He does not experience any significant down time between his orgasms. By “down time,” I mean a

refractory period in between orgasms when the penis is not easily aroused. A multiorgasmic man is able to maintain his erection, even though he has already had an orgasm, and continue making love from orgasm to orgasm. Unlike most “normal” men, a multiorgasmic man does not lose his ability to stay erect after his first orgasm. He can continue to a second or even a third or fourth orgasm without resting.

This is not the same as having two or more orgasms in an afternoon of lovemaking with periods of rest or breaks in between. The multiorgasmic man does not need a rest. He might want to, and he certainly can, if he or his partner wishes, but he doesn’t have to stop. He is capable of continuing to make love immediately after orgasm.

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?

There are some men, particularly young men, who are just plain lucky. These guys are naturals. Their physiology is such that they don’t lose their erections after orgasm, or they regain their erections so quickly that intercourse is barely interrupted. Men like this are “born” multiorgasmic. Maybe there was a time in your life when you were this lucky too. But chances are, those days are gone. Well, the good news is that you don’t have to be lucky anymore to be multiorgasmic. There is another way to acquire this ability, and it works regardless of your age, your experience, or your God- given talents.

The secret to becoming multiorgasmic is actually quite simple. The secret, for most men who have mastered the ability, lies in learning to have a complete orgasm without ejaculating. That’s right, a full, powerful orgasm-or two, or three, or more-with no ejaculation. Without ejaculation there is no refractory period-no down time. That means there is no significant loss of erection, leaving you free to continue having intercourse until you reach the point where you are ready to have an orgasm with simultaneous ejaculation.

ORGASM WITHOUT EJACULATION! . . . AM I CRAZY?

Now, I know that this may not sound as simple as I say it is. There’s a really good chance that at this moment it all sounds very weird, or even impossible. I realize that as far as most men are concerned, there is no such thing as an orgasm without ejaculation. It’s a package deal, like thunder and lightning, right? Wrong. This may be hard to believe, but as most sex therapists will confirm, orgasm and ejaculation in males are two separate things. Yes, they typically occur together, and yes, it feels as though they are a package deal. But the physiological reality is that they are not inseparable. It is possible to have a full orgasm without a simultaneous ejaculation, and therein lies the key to becoming multiorgasmic. Learn how to separate them, and you’re on your way.

I know that this news isn’t mind-boggling for every man who is reading this book right now. Many men have stumbled onto this accidentally. In fact, there may already have been an occasion or two in your life when you actually experienced the sensations of orgasm without having an ejaculation.

At the time, you may not have thought much of it, or you might have found it confusing. Most men who experience this unintentionally think that it’s an accident or some strange quirk. Many worry that something might be wrong with them, but very few men think of it as an experience worth recapturing, let alone perfecting. If you did, you probably wouldn’t be reading this book right now-you’d be out there doing it. But believe me, I know hundreds of men who would gladly tell you that a nonejaculatory orgasm is an experience worth recapturing and worth perfecting. These men will also tell you that if you’ve never had a nonejaculatory orgasm, you need to start. And that’s what you’re going to do, with my help.

Meet James, a Multiorgasmic Man

I’d like to introduce you to James, one of several multiorgasmic men you’ll hear about, a man who has been practicing these techniques for almost eight years. I want you to read James’s story first because his method of having multiple orgasms most closely resembles the style we focus on in this book. You may not necessarily have intercourse for the same length of time as James does, but the techniques you use will not differ significantly.

When James and his partner Sharon make love, he typically takes ten minutes or more before he has an orgasm. He starts intercourse slowly and lets his arousal build. Then the instant before he is about to ejaculate, he thrusts deeply into Sharon and squeezes the muscle that runs from the base of the penis to the area behind his testicles. This allows him to have a full orgasm-including rapid heart rate, muscle contractions, and that incredible sensation of release-without an ejaculation.

James maintains his erection, continues to make love, and has two to four more orgasms this way. When he wants to stop making love, he has a final orgasm and ejaculates. James is able to do this because he has achieved good control of the pelvic muscles that spasm when a man ejaculates.

James usually lets his partner’s desires guide him. If Sharon wants to have intercourse for a long time, he simply delays his ejaculation until she’s had all she wants. In the meantime, he may have three or four full orgasms. If Sharon wants to make it a shorter evening, James complies happily. Some nights are marathons and some nights are quickies. The important thing is, it’s their decision.

Alan’s Story

Alan used to have one quick orgasm when he made love and then call it a night. Today, however, Alan is a two-orgasm guy. When he is making love with his wife, Alan’s first orgasm tends to come on rather quickly-within five minutes or less. But Alan has learned to contract his PC muscle at just the right moment before his climax, and this completely suppresses his ejaculation. Alan calls this first orgasm his “dry” orgasm. This is usually his most powerful orgasm, but it is just the beginning of his lovemaking.

With orgasm number one out of the way, Alan “settles in” for the slow journey to orgasm number two. What Alan likes to do here is time his second orgasm so that it occurs with, or just after, his wife’s orgasm. Alan and his wife find this to be extremely gratifying for both of them. Alan’s wife tends to need prolonged intercourse before she can climax, which is why she was so enthusiastic about helping Alan learn these techniques.

Alan and his wife have developed a set of nonverbal signals (winks, nods, squeezes, etc.) that help them get their timing right. When it is time for their mutual climax, Alan just relaxes all of the muscles he tensed the first time, and has a second full orgasm, complete with ejaculation. Alan says, “The first one is for me … The second one is for both of us.”

Multiorgasmic Male: Some Variations on a Theme

The exercises in this book will teach you what I believe to be the simplest, most effective way for a man to become multiorgasmic. But that’s just the beginning. Once you have mastered these techniques, you may go on to develop your own unique style. In the many years I have worked with men, I have seen all kinds of interesting variations on the theme of multiple orgasm. For example, while most men achieve multiple orgasms by delaying ejaculation, some are able to have partial or even complete ejaculations without losing their erections. While most men spread out their orgasms through a prolonged session of lovemaking, some men experience all of their orgasms in rapid-fire succession.

There is no predicting what you will be capable of or what will feel best to you. Your body is unique, and it will respond in a unique way. Maybe you will develop some variation I have yet to see. Wouldn’t that be great? Drop me a line if you do, because I’m always interested in hearing about new things.

I want to introduce you to two other multiorgasmic men whose styles are quite different from James and Alan’s so that you can get a sense of the many possibilities that lie ahead. As you read their stories, remember that as different as these styles may seem, all four men started their multiorgasmic “careers” with the same basic techniques.

Bob Can Ejaculate More Than Once Without Losing His Erection

Bob has a very different way of reaching multiple orgasms. When Bob makes love to his wife he tends to begin by thrusting very

vigorously and often ejaculates within about five minutes. However, after ejaculating, he has learned to maintain both his erection and his arousal, and he continues to thrust slowly. Within minutes he is able to have another complete ejaculation and orgasm, as strong as the first. If he chooses, he can continue making love in this fashion, having as many as five or six orgasms and ejaculations within an hour.

Bob’s ability to extend his lovemaking in this fashion gives his wife Janice the extra time she needs to reach her own peak. This is something she was unable to do with Bob before he developed this ability. Janice and Bob used to compensate for their incompatibility with oral sex or manual manipulation, but Janice always felt somewhat disappointed that she was unable to reach her orgasm through straight intercourse. Today, Janice is a very satisfied woman.

Bob’s style of multiple orgasm is called multiejaculation, and it is a more advanced and difficult technique to master than James’s. What Bob has learned to do is shorten his refractory period, thereby shortening the length of time it takes him to become aroused again after he has ejaculated.

John’s Pattern Resembles Many Women’s Experience

When making love, John usually thrusts for approximately ten or fifteen minutes until he has a very strong orgasm with a partial ejaculation. After this, his penis becomes even more sensitive, adding to his pleasure. His erection does not dissipate and he continues to thrust vigorously. Then, within a short period of time, he experiences a series of smaller orgasms, almost like aftershocks.

John’s experience is most similar to a type of multiple orgasm many women experience. This style of multiple orgasm is not uncommon for multiorgasmic men. I have heard many stories of men who developed this technique on their own by actually mimicking the breathing patterns and muscle movements of multiorgasmic women. The interesting thing about John is that he no longer has to try to make any of this happen. He has conditioned his body so well that this aftershock response is now completely automatic, happening every time he has an orgasm.

Four “A” Students

James, Bob, John, and Alan are all multiorgasmic men, although, as you can see, the experience of having multiple orgasms is somewhat different for each of them. But James, Bob, John, and Alan have something else in common. None of them were naturally multiorgasmic. All of them learned to have multiple orgasms by using the exact same techniques presented in this book!

These four men have still one more thing in common: James, Alan, Bob, and John were all my “students.” I saw each one move from being a single-orgasmic beginner to a multiorgasmic graduate. I am proud of them all, and they are all proud of themselves.

When a man turns to a sex therapist for help, his sexual functioning is usually a source of great distress. These four men were all struggling when I met them for the first time, and look at what they can do now. Just imagine the possibilities that lie ahead for a man like you who may already be fairly comfortable with his ability to perform.

“I Want to Believe This, But

I sense that you are very close to becoming a believer. Once you know the secret formula for male multiple orgasms, it all begins to make perfect sense, doesn’t it? But I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re wondering right now how something so extraordinary and so simple could go unnoticed for so long. After all, the sexual revolution ended years ago. How could we have missed a phenomenon like male multiple orgasm? If such a thing is as easy for any man to achieve as I say it is, why isn’t every guy in America doing it? And why aren’t you doing it right now? These are really important questions. And I have some surprising answers:

FACT: Male multiple orgasm is nothing new. Eastern cultures, for example, have been aware of male multiple orgasm and nonejaculatory orgasm (NEO) for many years, and it is not difficult to find references to it in their tantric literature and historical literature. High up on mountaintops in faraway lands, both men and women have been having a good old time for a long, long time.

FACT: Male multiple orgasm is well documented in professional publications. Knowledge of this phenomenon has not been restricted to a handful of enlightened souls living on distant shores. References to male multiple orgasm, some dating back as far as the 1930s, can be found in numerous books and journal articles available at most college libraries right here in the good old United States.

A Quick History Lesson

The earliest news of the existence of male multiple orgasm was not well received in this country. Quite the contrary, when it was first mentioned in the scientific literature in the 1930s and early 1940s, it was viewed as dysfunctional, or even pathological. In other words, most professionals believed that it only happened to a man if there was something wrong with his equipment. Given the prevailing attitude at the time, it is no wonder that the whole thing got very little attention.

Then, in 1948, Alfred Kinsey’s groundbreaking book, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, was published. In the book, Kinsey clearly noted that several of the “normal” men he studied reported having more than one ejaculation with the same erection. Others reported experiencing the sensations of orgasm without ejaculation, and some reported more than one climax with each act of intercourse. Now you would think that news like this would have spread like

wildfire, but it didn’t. Although the professional community became more accepting of the concept, the standard belief was that “either you have it or you don’t.” In other words, men didn’t become multiorgasmic: either they were born that way or they weren’t born that way. And that was that. It wasn’t until the 1970s that professionals began to consider a third possibility: that male multiple orgasm could actually be learned. That’s when the real fun started. Ever since then, many open-minded sex therapists, myself and my colleagues included, have been working long and hard (no jokes please) to develop and refine a number of valid techniques that any man could learn. Though we all like to argue about whose methods are best, there is one thing we all agree on: it can be done.

Well, that ends our little history lesson. It’s the nineties and you’re a lucky guy. Today, all of the necessary techniques exist for men to become multiorgasmic. All you need to do now is the work.

“Are You Sure There Isn’t a Catch?”

If you’re not a multiorgasmic male, you might be inclined to think that a nonejaculatory orgasm wouldn’t feel all that fabulous- that it might be a bit feeble, relatively speaking. I can understand why it’s probably hard to imagine that an orgasm without an ejaculation could possibly feel as intense as the old reliable orgasm/ ejaculation combo. But have I got a surprise for you. More than half the men I have spoken to report that their nonejaculatory orgasms are more powerful than any traditional orgasm they ever had. That’s right . . . not just as good as a traditional orgasm . . . better! When you hear these men explain their experiences, it begins to make sense. Look, for example, at what these four men have to say:

The nonejaculatory orgasm is actually more intense in some ways because you are planning it, leading up to it, and you know it is going to happen. In my “previous sex life,” even though every orgasm had an ejaculation with it, sometimes the orgasm was not very strong because I wasn’t totally expecting it Or I was actually trying to hold it back so it got sort of muffled. Sometimes I would actually have an ejaculation without an orgasm. That was very unpleasant. Frank, age 58

With the buildup I need to have more than one orgasm, the crown of my penis gets extremely sensitive and tingly. If I stretch it out long enough, my first orgasm feels like the top of my head is blowing off. Thomas, age 41

I don’t have multiple orgasms or nonejaculatory orgasms every time I have sex. Sometimes I have sex just as a release or a way to be close with my partner before I fall asleep. But I have sex with nonejaculatory orgasms when I really want to take some time and have an intense experience. Edward, age 27

When I first heard about this I thought there is no way that having an orgasm without an ejaculation could feel the same. I thought it would feel disappointing, or like I’d missed something. But it’s not like that at all. Now I am really feeling what is happening during orgasm. Before, it would happen so fast that I wasn’t even aware of what I was feeling. Justin, age 33

Are you feeling a little more convinced? I have heard comments like these over and over and over again. I’m not surprised anymore, but I’m always impressed. I bet you’re impressed too, but I bet you’re also getting anxious. We can talk and talk and talk about the wonders of male multiple orgasm, but there comes a time when you’ve got to get down to business. Every day, more and more men are becoming multiorgasmic, and I think it’s time you had your chance.

Learning to Touch, Learning to Feel

The material in this chapter always reminds me of two of my very first clients, Andrew and Eleanor. Andrew and Eleanor came to my office because Eleanor was extremely distressed by Andrew’s lack of sensitivity during intercourse. Eleanor said that having sex with Andrew was like having a drill on top of her. She complained that he was like a robot, pounding away, not even noticing when her head hit against the headboard of the bed. Andrew admitted how detached he felt from his body during sex. He also admitted to being quite anxious. Andrew felt that if he didn’t perform in exactly this fashion either he would lose his erection or Eleanor would lose interest.

The thought of slowing down and experiencing intercourse “in the moment” was totally foreign to Andrew. At first, it was also a bit anxiety provoking. I knew that Andrew needed to slow down and learn to appreciate his own body before he could appreciate his wife. That’s why I began his therapy by teaching him certain sensate focus exercises, which he could do with Eleanor, or by himself, that would help him experience his own body. In this chapter, I’m going to teach you many of these same exercises. This is not to imply that I think all men are as out of touch with their bodies as Andrew was. These techniques are invaluable for any man, regardless of his current level of awareness.

Men, as we all know, tend to be very target oriented. They want to get it up and get it in. As far as most women are concerned, this makes for very uninteresting sex. But it also makes it extremely difficult for a man to have a multiple orgasm. This chapter will help you develop a greater appreciation for the changes in your physiology as they are continually taking place during arousal. It will help you more fully experience your most pleasurable bodily sensations as they are happening, and set the stage for prolonging and intensifying each of these sensations.

Getting sensitized to your own arousal process is really important if you want to become multiorgasmic. A good pilot doesn’t just know how to fly; a good pilot knows the workings of the airplane inside and out. A virtuoso doesn’t just play an instrument; a virtuoso has an intimate relationship with the instrument. The same thing applies to sex. It’s not enough to just own a penis. You need to be intimate with the many nuances of your own sexual response if you want to learn the special techniques in the following chapters and master the art of male multiple orgasm.

What Exactly Is Sensate Focus

Sensate focus techniques are structured sensual touching exercises designed by sex therapists to help men and women focus on, appreciate, and control the moment-to-moment experiences of contact, arousal, and release. These well-established techniques create a level of physiological awareness that leads to extraordinary control over the different phases of excitement, orgasm, and ejaculation.

We are going to use sensate focus techniques in most of our exercises. These are not sex acts. They are very loving, very pleasurable ways of making contact with a partner. Arousal is not the goal here. Orgasm is not the goal. Your only goal is full appreciation of the sensations you are about to experience.

Sensate Focus Takes You into Your Body

For many people, sex in an ongoing relationship has a way of becoming a bit routine. Are you concerned because something that was once so charged and passionate has lost a lot of its punch? Are you always searching for new fantasies to keep the fire alive? Well, sensate focus is going to change all of that.

I think that one of the main reasons sex loses its spark is because of the way we all rush through the process. As far as I’m concerned, most people are having sex too darn fast. It seems as though everyone is in such a hurry to get to the point of orgasm that they are missing all of the wonderful things that happen to their body, and to their partner’s body, along the way. If you want to make your sex life more exciting and more erotic, I think the very first thing you need to do is stop rushing. And that’s where sensate focus comes in.

Sensate focus techniques slow you down. They take you into your body and into your partner’s body in ways you have probably never

experienced before. I think fantasies are wonderful, but fantasies tend to take us out of our bodies and into our heads. Sometimes, I think that can be the wrong direction. Personally, I think that what we really need to enhance our experience of sex is not more fantasy, but a much bigger dose of reality. Sensate focus gives you that reality. It focuses your attention and your energy and lets you appreciate every single erotic nuance of your arousal and your partner’s arousal. To me, that’s the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Play by the Rules Before we begin, you need to know the three of sensate focus:

RULE 1: Pay attention to exactly where you are touching or where you are being touched. Try to stay as focused as possible.

RULE 2: Stay in the here and now. Don’t think about what happened last week or what could happen next Thursday. Try to let go of anything that is not happening at this very moment.

RULE 3: Don’t put any pressure on yourself. If you’re working with a partner, don’t put any pressure on her either. Sex therapists call this “nondemand interaction.” I will call the sensate focus exercises “demand-free” or “pressure-free” exercises. There are no grades here, no good and bad, no right or wrong, just touching and being touched.

Preparing for the Exercises

From this point forward, I recommend you do all of the exercises in-the book in a quiet room that is free from distractions. You are going to need a comfortable bed (you may prefer a comfortable chair for the solo exercises). You are also going to need some K-Y jelly, baby oil, massage oil, cream, or other lubricant. Be sure to use a lubricant that does not irritate the genitals-for women, K-Y jelly is usually the safest choice. Keep a clean towel handy. If you use condoms, have them by the bedside within easy reach.

You may find it helpful to have a clock to keep you from completely losing track of the time. If there is a telephone in the room, turn it off. If there are children in the house, they should be sound asleep or with a babysitter. The room should be lit according to your preferences, but I don’t recommend playing any music. You need to focus as much as possible on the sensations you are about to experience.

If you were learning these techniques at our offices, the setup would be no different. We provide a quiet room with a bed, lubricants, clock, towel, etc. There is no special equipment that is required.

Learning the Genital Caress

There are many different sensate focus techniques. For the purposes of this book, however, there is only one technique that you need to learn: the genital caress. You can learn the sensate focus genital caress with a partner (Exercise 4) or by yourself (Exercise 5). You are going to need about one hour for Exercise 4 and thirty minutes for Exercise 5.

Exercise 4: Touch of Heaven (with a partner)

In this exercise, one partner will play the active role while the other plays the passive role. Then you will switch in the middle so no one feels shortchanged.

Let’s say that the woman is going to be the passive partner first. The first thing she needs to do is lie on her back and get very comfortable. She needs to take her time and get completely relaxed. This exercise does not begin until the passive partner is completely relaxed.

As the active partner, you are going to start slowly, gently stroking the front of her body for about fifteen or twenty minutes. The style of touching is called a caress. When you caress, you touch in a very, very slow, focused fashion. Because this is a genital caress, your stroking is going to focus primarily on her genitals, though it does not have to be limited to her genitals.

Slowly start to caress her genitals with your fingers or mouth, touching both the outside and inside of her vagina. Use lots of lubrication. Focus intently on the areas you are touching. Pay careful attention to what they feel like and what they look like. Absorb yourself in those sensations. Remember that this is a demand- free exercise. You are not touching to please her or to turn her on. You are touching to please you. That takes the pressure off her and it also takes the pressure off you.

All your partner needs to do is lie still, relax, and feel her sensations. She should stay completely passive, with her eyes closed. She shouldn’t move. She should not try to reciprocate. She should not talk unless you are making her uncomfortable. She needs only to let herself feel your touch. If she gets distracted, she needs to gently bring her focus back to where you are touching her. If you notice her body getting tense, lightly pat her on the leg as a signal for her to relax. Try to stay as focused as possible, deeply absorbed in touching her and the way that feels. If your mind starts wandering, you need to gently refocus your mind on the caress. It doesn’t matter how many times your mind strays. All that matters is that each time you recognize the shift, you bring yourself back to the exercise.

This is a wonderful technique for learning to relax and connect to your feelings. Your only goal is to get as much pleasure as possible for yourself while your partner is getting as much pleasure as possible for herself. If you find yourself getting mechanical or getting bored with your caressing, slow down. Chances are, you aren’t letting yourself really be in the moment.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: If you start rubbing your partner’s clitoris or trying to turn her on in some way, she will be able to feel the shift in your intentions. She is playing the passive role and is not supposed to respond in any way. So don’t try to change the rules. Stick with the program.

Now it’s your turn. Once you’ve played the active role for about twenty minutes, you are ready to switch roles. (Of course, you can take longer if you wish.) This time, the man will be taking the passive role.

Lie down comfortably on your back with your legs slightly spread. Let your arms rest at your sides, or place them under your head. Once you have settled into a position, try not to change it.

Your partner will spend the next twenty or so minutes caressing the front of your body, concentrating primarily on caressing your genitals. I recommend she uses baby oil or some other lubricant you both like. She can caress you with her hands, with her mouth, or with both.

Your job is to stay focused on her touch, and how it feels. Don’t move around and don’t talk. Let your partner explore the feeling of touching your penis and scrotum.

It does not matter whether or not you get an erection. A soft penis should feel as good to her as a hard penis, just different. She is only focusing on the sensation of touching you, not on your arousal (and not on hers). If you do get an erection, it is very important to understand that you don’t have to do anything with it. All you need to do right now is enjoy the sensations of your own arousal.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: Make sure your partner knows that her goal is not to turn you on. All she is supposed to do is touch you in a way that feels good to her.

Don’t flex your PC muscle during this exercise. Don’t hold your breath. Just close your eyes, relax, and focus on her caresses. If you become very aroused and you ejaculate, that’s okay. Just let your partner wipe you off and continue her caress. The important thing is that you don’t try to force anything.

If your partner senses that you are tensing up, she should signal you to relax by gently tapping you on the leg. The only time you should talk to her is if she is doing something that makes you uncomfortable. Otherwise, just release yourself into the moment and enjoy the sensations.

If you find yourself drifting off, gently bring your focus back to where your partner is touching you. It doesn’t matter how often you drift. Just practice bringing yourself back into the moment.

If you don’t have a partner, or if you prefer to practice by yourself, the sensate focus genital caress is still quite

pleasurable. It is important to remember that this is not a masturbation exercise. It is a way of experiencing the many rich sensations of your own arousal. Ejaculation is not a goal. If it happens, that’s fine, but you are not trying to make it happen. Your goal is simply to create and experience as much sensation in your penis as possible.

Exercise 5: Alone at Last (solo)

Lie on your back, close your eyes, and get very comfortable (you may prefer to sit in a comfortable chair). Using plenty of lubrication, slowly, gently touch yourself in a caressing way. You may want to start by touching your nipples or thighs, since both are probably quite sensitive. Then slowly move to the genitals. Once you begin caressing your penis, do not use a masturbation stroke. Do not try to turn yourself on. Explore every crease and fold in the genital area. Take your time.

Remember that the most important thing is to stay as relaxed as possible and focused on the here and now. You are not trying to do anything except enjoy the sensations. If you have an erection, that’s fine. If you don’t, that’s fine too. But you should not be trying to give yourself one. This is a pressure-free exercise. All you want to do is experience the richness of your own arousal. If your mind starts to wander, gently bring your focus back to the sensations you’re experiencing in the moment. This may happen several times. That’s okay. Just keep bringing your focus back to the exercise.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: If you have thoughts like, “I wonder if I’m really hard,” or “I wonder if I could give myself an orgasm,” you are thinking about your performance. That means you’re putting subtle pressure on yourself. Just stay with the sensations. That’s your only goal.

I suggest you do this exercise for at least twenty minutes, if not longer. Thirty minutes is ideal. Sometimes, in the absence of a partner, there is a tendency to rush everything. This defeats the whole purpose of sensate focus. Remember that the emphasis is on sensuality, not sexuality. Some men feel a bit self-conscious during this exercise. This is very normal, especially if you are a man who does not masturbate often, or someone who tends to rush to the point of climax. Don’t be concerned. Your discomfort should ease over time.

It Sure Feels Good, But …

The sensate focus genital caress feels pretty terrific. That’s reason enough to learn it. From this point on, almost every exercise in this book begins with this caress. That’s another good reason to learn it. But why is it so important?

The sensate focus genital caress lets you pay attention to your sensations without getting distracted. It lets you focus. It lets you stay in the here and now. And it keeps the pressure off you and off your partner. You need to be able to do all of these things to master the art of male multiple orgasm.

We can talk and talk about the many benefits of the sensate focus genital caress. But you need some experience actually feeling it. That’s why I’ve included the above exercises. So enjoy yourself, repeat them as many times as you like, but remember that the pleasure you’re getting right now is only one of the payoffs.

Aroused and Aware

You have to know where you are to know where you’re going. Unfortunately most men have a very limited awareness of their own sexual responses and they don’t always know what they are feeling or experiencing at the moment. They know that something pleasurable is happening, but they don’t know exactly what that something is. They know that they’re aroused, that’s for sure, but they aren’t in touch with the subtleties of their own experience. This is very limiting, both for the man and for his partner.

This chapter teaches a man how to know what is happening to his body during the various stages of arousal. He will learn how to listen to what his body is telling him, and how to work with those signals to maximize both his pleasure and the pleasure he is giving his partner.

How Aroused Are You

Ask the average man if he’s feeling aroused and what does he say? “Yes” or “No.” Ask him to describe his arousal and what does he say? Not a whole lot more. But talk to a multiorgasmic man about his arousal and you’re having a very different conversation. Multiorgasmic men are masters of their own arousal. They know the nuances of their erotic experience and take advantage of their sensitivity to prolong and magnify that experience. Ask a multiorgasmic man to describe his arousal and he’ll give you at least five pages, single spaced. He might even throw in a poem.

Sexual arousal is actually a very complex and sophisticated process. There are many levels of arousal, each having its own distinct sensations and intensity. Some shifts are subtle, some are profound, but it is not a black or white thing. It’s a lot more like a rainbow. What we are going to focus on right now is learning to recognize and appreciate these different colors of the rainbow by becoming more aware of the subtle differences of each one.

Once you are sensitized to your many levels of arousal, you will have a much more intimate relationship with your own body. That becomes really important when you start working with your body toward your first multiple orgasm. If multiple orgasm is your goal,

being aroused is not enough. You must be aroused and aware. It’s like learning to write music. Everything may sound nice to your ear, but it’s hard to write a song until you know all of the notes on the scale. The more you refine your ear, the easier it gets. Sharps and flats are more subtle, but they are extremely important too.

By the time you’ve completed the exercises in this chapter, you are going to know the various levels of your own arousal the way a composer knows the notes on the scale. To make this easier, we are going to establish a scale of our own: an arousal scale.

Learning the Scales

Our arousal scale is going to be a very simple scale that goes from one to ten, with Level 1 being the lowest level of arousal and Level 10 being the highest.

Let’s begin with Level 1. Level 1 is your baseline. What does it feel like? Let me give you an example. It’s Saturday afternoon on a hot summer day. You’ve just finished your lunch and you’re thinking of doing the laundry. Your dog wants to go for a walk and your car needs a wash. There isn’t a sexual thought in your head. You are not experiencing any arousal whatsoever. None. Zero. Nada. Get the picture? At that moment, you are at Level 1.

Let’s now jump to Level 10. That’s an easy one. Level 10 is orgasm. The Big “O.” The end of the road.

Great. Now all we need to do is establish everything in between. A Level 2 or Level 3 is that slight twinge sensation a man gets at the base of his penis as he begins to get aroused. The beast within has started to stir at the first whiff of something exciting in the air. It’s subtle, but it’s there.

Next comes Level 4. That’s a steady, low level of arousal. It’s more than a twinge now . . . you’re feeling good. Still, you could stop without much difficulty. But that’s going to change soon. At Level 5 and Level 6 your arousal is already substantial. Now you’re really into it. Once you’ve reached these levels, you don’t want to think about stopping. You’re feeling too good now. By the time you get to Level 7 or Level 8, you will feel your heart pounding and your face may flush. If you had to talk you would probably sound out of breath. Level 9 is intense. You aren’t far from the top now . . . you are very close to orgasm. At Level 9, the outside world is very far away, and there isn’t much that could stop you now.

Just short of Level 10 is a very crucial point I call “the point of no return.” It is commonly referred to as “the point of inevitability.” You may not know the name, but I bet you know the feeling. It’s that point at which it becomes clear that you are about to have an orgasm. The point of inevitability is reached through a series of physiological changes in the body, but it is subjectively experienced as a psychological turning point.

Once you’ve hit the point of inevitability, there is no going back. Your body is committed to having that orgasm. The sky could

fall in and worlds could collide, but it doesn’t matter as far as you are concerned. The big one is on the way.

On our 1 to 10 scale, this “point of no return” would register a 9.9. This is a very important number for you to remember, for reasons which I will explain later.

Practice Makes Perfect

Talking about levels of arousal can get a little bit abstract after a while. You need to experience them. It’s the only way to truly master the system. One of the ways you learn each level is by comparing it to the previous level, or to the following one. “How do I know what a 3 is?” you may ask. It’s a little higher than a 2. “How do I know I’m at a 7?” you may wonder. Because you’re definitely past a 5 or 6, but you haven’t hit an 8. Is this vague? I promise it won’t be for very long.

Do note that these numbers are all relative to each other. The important thing is that each level feels slightly different. The only absolute number assignments are 1, which is no arousal, 9.9, which is the point of no return, and 10, which is orgasm. Don’t worry if your 4 is another man’s 5; there is no such thing as the definitive 3 or the quintessential 6. All that counts are your own relative levels of arousal, and that’s all you need to know.

Using numbers to describe your arousal may sound a little silly, but I must ask you to take this number system very, very seriously. I am going to refer to different numbers over and over again throughout the remaining exercises. It’s the only way we can communicate clearly enough to guarantee you will learn the program. I don’t want to sound like your third-grade teacher, but if you want to master these techniques, you have to practice your scales.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP; Please don’t use these numbers to judge your performance in any way. A “6″ is not better than a “3″; a “4″ is not worse than a “7.” They’re just different. There is no good and bad here; there is no right or wrong. You will not be graded and you will not be judged. The only goal is to become more intimate with the subtle changes in your body during your arousal.

What About Your Erection?

You’ll notice how I haven’t said anything about erections. It is very common for men to equate arousal with erections, but they are not one and the same. Arousal is a feeling; it is a subjective sense of excitement that can be experienced throughout the body, though it is typically felt most keenly in the genitals. Erection, on the other hand, refers to hardness of the penis. Erection is a very objective measure of hardness that is a direct reflection of blood flowing into this organ.

A man can feel very aroused-incredibly aroused-yet not be erect. Maybe you’ve felt this way after a long night of lovemaking when your mind wanted to keep going but your penis called it quits

for the night. Or perhaps you’ve felt this way with a new partner that got you totally excited, but also totally nervous. There are many men who have actually had the experience of being aroused to the point of orgasm without ever being erect.

Maybe you become fully erect at arousal Level 4; maybe you don’t get erect until Level 6. Or maybe, like most men, it’s different on different days. It doesn’t matter right now because we’re not going to worry a lot about erections here. Our concern is with your level of arousal. As you have probably learned from your own experience, focusing too intently on your erection has a way of discouraging the process. On the other hand, when you leave it alone, it tends to come home. So don’t think about it. Right now, all you need to do is focus on your numbers.

How to Peak

To help you learn your arousal scale I’m going to teach you how to “peak.” Reaching a peak means letting your arousal rise to a certain level and then immediately letting it drop back down. For example, you may let your arousal rise to Level 6, then let it fall back down. That’s a Level 6 peak. Or you may let your arousal rise to Level 9, then let it fall back down. That’s a Level 9 peak. (Remember that we are talking about arousal here, not about erections.) This is different from trying to maintain your arousal at a given level, which is known as “plateauing.” You will learn how to plateau in the next chapter.

If you find this exercise difficult or frustrating at first, don’t sweat it. It takes most men a number of sessions before they really “get it.” If you are working with a partner, her input can be a big help since her objective experience of you will be slightly different at each level. Let her know that her observations are welcome.

Exercise 6 takes fifteen or twenty minutes and does not require a partner. Exercise 7 is done with a partner and takes a little bit longer.

Exercise 6: Climbing Everest (solo)

Once again, you need to lie down or sit down and get very comfortable. Put some lubrication on your hand and on your penis. What you are going to do now is start by giving yourself a genital caress the way you learned in Exercise 5. Slowly stroke yourself until you reach what you would consider to be a Level 4 of arousal. That’s past the “twinge” stage to the point where you’re feeling a low, steady “hum” of arousal. Remember that you are not using a masturbation stroke; you are caressing yourself.

When you get to Level 4, stop the stimulation and take a deep breath . . . a really slow deep breath. Check your PC muscle, your hip muscles, and your thigh muscles to make sure they’re all really relaxed. Good. Now let your arousal drop back down a couple of

levels to a “2.” Take your time. You have just had your first “peak” at Level 4.

Once you have dropped to Level 2, start your caress again. This time, see if you can go up to around Level 6. You may need to stroke yourself a little bit faster to get to this slightly higher level. That’s fine. When you reach Level 6, stop the stimulation once again. Take a real slow deep breath and let your arousal drop back down a few levels to around a “4.” Make sure all your muscles are completely relaxed. Great. You have just had a “peak” at Level 6.

You are going to continue this exercise for the next fifteen to twenty minutes. What I want you to do is try to have a peak at Level 4, Level 6, Level 7, Level 8, and Level 9, which is the point just prior to your “point of no return.” At each level it’s important to stop the stimulation, relax, take a really deep breath, and make sure all of your muscles are relaxed. Always let yourself drop at least one level, preferably two, after each peak.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP; Try not to bring your arousal up in a spike, like shooting from a Level 3 to a Level 8. You’re trying to stretch out your arousal into an extended series of gradually increasing peaks. If you were going to graph your arousal, it would look like a wave, not like a needle.

Don’t rush your peaks. Each up and down cycle should take four or five minutes. Stretch them out. Let them build slowly and savor each one. As your peaks get higher and higher, it may become more and more difficult to relax. One way to overcome this is by taking deeper and deeper breaths at each level. If all of this stimulation has made you need to ejaculate, go ahead. Otherwise, you can stop the exercise once you’ve completed four or five peaks. If you don’t get up to Level 8 or Level 9 the first time, that’s okay; you will with practice.

Ultimately, you will need to be able to peak at very high levels. This is not hard once you get used to the whole process of peaking. Through repetition you will learn to recognize and become comfortable at your different levels. Believe it or not, it won’t be long before you can even differentiate between Levels 8, 8.5, 9, and

9.5. Talk about knowing your own body! This kind of fine sensitivity to your arousal will make multiple orgasm a snap.

Exercise 7: Twin Peaks (with a partner)

Would you like to practice “peaking” with your partner? Here’s how. First, you need to lie on your back, close your eyes, and get very comfortable. Your partner is going to begin the exercise by doing a sensate focus genital caress. She should do this nice and slow and focus on her own pleasure. She can use her hands, her mouth, or both. All you should focus on is what you are feeling. This keeps the pressure off both of you.

Once she has started, your partner should say to you, “As I am stroking you, let me know if you reach the point that you think is a Level 4.” It doesn’t matter how much time it takes. Enjoy her caresses. All you need to do is simply say “4″ when you have reached that level. Once you say “4,” your partner should stop her caress. Check all of your muscles to make sure they are relaxed. Take a deep breath, and let your arousal drop one or two levels. When your arousal has dropped off sufficiently, let your partner know she can start again. It helps to have agreed on a signal ahead of time, such as a nod, a wink, or a U.S. Air Force thumbs up.

Your partner should start the stimulation again very slowly, in a very focused fashion. She will then say, “Let me know when you reach a Level 6.” Enjoy her stimulation until you reach Level 6. Take your time. Then, when you reach Level 6, let her know by saying “6.” She should stop the stimulation immediately for at least several seconds. Take a deep breath, make sure all of your muscles are relaxed, and let yourself drop down a couple of levels. Once you have dropped and are ready to start up again, give her the signal to resume.

Continuing in this fashion, try to reach Level 7, Level 8, Level 9, and Level 10, if possible. You may skip a level or two if you wish. Depending on how you are feeling during this exercise you may or may not feel like going all the way to orgasm. If you don’t want to, stop the exercise at Level 8, or the level of your choice. The most important thing is not to pressure yourself.

It doesn’t matter how high you are able to go right now. All that matters is that you are learning to listen to your body. If you would rather stay at the lower levels for a while, that’s fine. If you want to go all the way to Level 10 and have an orgasm, that’s great too. It’s important to know that it’s entirely up to you. You should be able to ask yourself, “What do I want today?” Remember, this is for your pleasure.

If you really take your time you can stretch this exercise out to an hour or so. To make it an even nicer experience for both of you, you may want to begin by giving your partner a genital caress. If she wants to, she could even learn to have her own peaks.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: Please note that it is possible to “overpeak.” If you hit more than three or four really high peaks in one session, you may find yourself temporarily unable to ejaculate. Don’t get scared, and don’t call 911. You haven’t done anything wrong. I call this phenomenon “penis burnout.” It may feel a bit weird, but it does not last. All you need to do is stop the exercise for ten minutes or so and everything should return to normal.

Onward and Upward?

By the time you have completed the exercises in this chapter a few times, you are going to have a much more sophisticated sense of your own arousal. That’s really important. If your partner has done

these exercises with you, she too will be tuned into your body much more intimately. The more she knows your peaks, the more she can get involved later on, and that makes it more exciting for both of you.

Practice these exercises as much as needed to get truly comfortable with your different levels. Remember that having an orgasm is not your goal. Don’t feel like you have to climax every time or any time you do the exercise. Feel your way through the exercises each time. If you want to have an orgasm, let it happen. If you don’t, don’t push it. And don’t rush these exercises because you can’t wait to get to the finale. You’ll only wind up coming back to this chapter later on. You are building your foundation here. It has got to be solid. So take your time; you’ll be on the roof soon enough.

Once you’ve learned your scales you are ready to move on to the next chapter. While some men are eager to continue, some may care to linger. If you’re having so much fun you don’t want to leave this chapter, feel free to hang out here for a while and refine your sensitivity. After all, you can never be too aware of your own arousal. But do remember that there’s a lot more waiting for you when you turn the page.

Orgasm, Ejaculation, and You

Learning to become multiorgasmic is like following a recipe for some very exotic dessert. Before you can make the dessert, all of the ingredients must be available. Chapters 6 and 7 helped us to find and prepare some of the most important “ingredients” for this very special recipe. You’ve learned about the PC muscle, the key ingredient, and hopefully you are getting yours strong and ready even as we speak. You’ve learned about sensate focus, demand-free interaction, and the point of no return. You’ve discovered the many levels of your own arousal and the pleasure of peaking at these levels.

Now we’re ready to take out the mixing bowls and start combining some of our ingredients. We also have a few more items to add. I know that you are anxious to get to the crucial exercises just two chapters away, but it won’t be long now. Any good chef will tell you that the secret to great cooking is all in the preparation. So relax, take another deep breath, and try to get the most out of these very important exercises.

Peaking with the PC Muscle

Once you have learned how to peak at various levels, you’re ready to learn how to use the PC muscle to control those peaks. A strong PC muscle works like a good set of brakes in your car. You can use it to control your arousal the way you use your brakes to control your speed, and you don’t even need a learner’s permit to start practicing.

But here’s the kicker. A strong PC can do a lot more than just control your arousal. It’s also the “brake” you will use to hold back your ejaculation while you are having an orgasm.

In the last chapter you learned how to let your arousal drop off by stopping the stimulation at each peak. In the next two exercises, you’re going to learn how to get the same results far more effectively by squeezing the PC muscle at those peaks. Learning how to use your brakes during these exercises is a little tricky. That’s because there are actually three different ways to squeeze the PC muscle when you are aroused:

*

One long hard squeeze, or . . .

Exercise 8: King of the Road (solo)

We are going to begin this exercise the same way we started our first peaking exercise in the previous chapter (Exercise 6: “Climbing Everest”). Lie down or sit comfortably and, using plenty of lubrication, begin a genital self-caress. Stroke your penis in a slow, gentle fashion, letting your arousal level gradually rise.

Make your first peak Level 4, a low-level peak. But this time, as you reach Level 4 you are going to continue stroking yourself. You are not going to stop the stimulation. Instead, what I want you to do is hit the brakes-that is, give your PC muscle one or two good strong squeezes, or three quick squeezes. Then take a very long and deep breath-lasting several seconds. Once you have done this, stop the stimulation and make sure all of your muscles are relaxed. Now let your arousal drop two levels, to a Level 2.

What you should have noticed is that even though you were still caressing yourself, the PC squeeze stopped your arousal from going any higher. It may have even taken you down one level. To drop two levels, most men need to stop the caress, which is why I ask you to stop the stimulation after your deep breath.

Let’s now try for a peak at Level 6. Start your caress and let yourself fully experience the many sensations of your arousal as your level starts to rise. When you reach a Level 6, do not stop your caress. Instead, hit the brakes again, giving your PC one or two firm squeezes, or three quickies. Take a long, deep breath. Now stop your stimulation and let yourself drop to a Level 4.

Try to continue this exercise for the next fifteen or twenty minutes, doing several more peaks. If you can, do a peak at Levels 7, 8, and 9. There are two things you need to know here:

1. The higher you go, the longer and deeper that big breath needs to be.
2. The higher you go, the harder you are going to have to squeeze your PC muscle.

This is especially true at the highest levels. At a Level 9, for example, you are probably going to have to give that PC muscle one or two really long, really hard squeezes and you’re going to have to take a really long, really deep breath. Again, it’s just like driving a car. At high speeds, you’ve got to really slam on those brakes to make a quick stop. So, enjoy the drive, but don’t be afraid to really hit your PC brake when the time comes.

Exercise 9: Moonlight Drive (with a partner)

Peaking with the PC muscle is a great exercise to do with a partner. To begin, lie on your back and get very comfortable. Using plenty of lubrication, your partner should begin a genital caress. She can use manual and/or oral stimulation-whatever she prefers. Remember, she is doing the caress for her pleasure.

When you reach a Level 4 on your arousal scale, squeeze your PC muscle. Take a long, deep breath. Your PC squeeze should stop your arousal from going any higher, even though your partner has not stopped the stimulation. It could even drop you one level. Your deep breath is a signal to your partner that it is time for her to stop her caress. She should wait until the end of your long breath before she actually stops.

Let your arousal drop two full levels. When you are certain you have reached a Level 2, you are ready to continue. Let your partner know that she can start her caress again.

This time, you are going to peak at Level 6. When you reach Level 6, squeeze your PC muscle. Take a long, deep breath. At the end of this breath, your partner should stop all stimulation and let you fall back down to Level 4.

Continue this exercise through Levels 7, 8, and 9. Remember that the higher you go, the harder you have to squeeze that PC muscle. Don’t be afraid to really hit those brakes-you can’t wear out the pads. That’s why you’ve been working so hard to make the muscle strong. Also, remember that the deep breath you take when you squeeze the PC needs to be longer and deeper at every level.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP; You’re not the only one who might enjoy a few peaks. Whenever you complete a peaking session, ask your partner if she wants one of her own. Even if she doesn’t, she’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness.

A Position to Envy

Do you think you’re ready for a little more excitement? What about your partner? Is she ready too? We haven’t talked much about intercourse yet, but 1 think we’re ready to start talking now. Incorporating intercourse into your exercise regimen is the ultimate thrill. The exercises become so exciting and so erotic you’ll have a hard time calling them exercises. But, believe it or not, they are still exercises, specifically designed to bring you closer and closer to your goal of multiple orgasm.

If you are getting a fairly strong erection from your partner’s caresses, this is a good time to introduce intercourse into the program. Exercise 10 will show you how, but first we need to talk for just a moment about positions. In all of the years my colleagues and I have worked with these techniques, one intercourse position has remained our favorite. It’s our experience that this position maximizes the, benefits of the techniques you are learning while minimizing effort. I don’t want to sound like a mechanical engineer here, but in this position, which you are about to learn, all of the angles are ideal. The motion is ideal and the contact is ideal. Best of all, it feels great.

Every couple is different, and it is entirely possible that you may find one or-more different positions that work even better for you than the one I recommend. That’s fine. I would never want to discourage you from experimenting. Try any position you are interested in. Have fun with it. Play. You may discover your own favorite. But first, let me teach you mine.

The woman should lie on her back and feel very comfortable. She may want a pillow under her buttocks and the small of her back for extra comfort. She raises her legs in the air, spreads them comfortably, and bends her knees. The man should be on his knees, in between the woman’s legs. Note that the man is going to use his knees, not his arms, to support most of his weight. It is extremely important that his center of gravity is in his hips. This minimizes muscle tension in the man’s torso, enabling him to fully relax his muscles during the exercise. It is from this position that he penetrates the woman.

Now I know that at first this position may sound a little bit convoluted. After all, we’re making love here, not pretzels. But hear me out. You will recall how important it is for you to have your muscles as relaxed as possible during these exercises. In certain intercourse positions, it is simply not possible for these muscles to relax, and that can make learning these techniques far more difficult. The position I have just described also makes it very easy for the man to breathe properly. As I’ve said before, good breathing technique is extremely important in these exercises. While the position I’ve described is not the only position that works, it is the best one I know . . . particularly when you are learning to become multiorgasmic for the first time. Most men and women tell me

that this is the position with which they have their greatest success. They get used to it very quickly, and usually it’s the one they come to prefer over all others, regardless of how many they try. So give it a chance. It’s hot. Trust me.

If you are not in a committed, monogamous relationship where it has been clearly established that both partners are HIV negative, you must practice safe sex.

Exercise 10: Enter the Dragon (with a partner)

This exercise begins just like Exercise 9 (”Moonlight Drive”). You are lying on your back and your partner is giving you a sensate focus genital caress. You are going to do a peak at Level 4 and another at Level 6. Each time you will use your PC muscle to put the brakes on your arousal. You will also take a deep, deep breath at these peaks, at which point your partner will stop her caress.

If you have a fairly strong erection by the time you peak at Level 6, you are ready to have intercourse with your partner. (If you don’t have a strong erection yet, don’t push it. Wait until Level 8 or Level 9.) The first thing you need to do is switch positions. Your partner needs to lie on her back. She should raise her legs in the air, spread them apart sufficiently, and bend her knees comfortably.

You are going to kneel between her legs, with your legs and hips supporting the bulk of your weight. Now you are going to insert your penis and begin slowly, gently thrusting. In this exercise, no speed is too slow. Move your penis in and out of her vagina by rolling or rocking your pelvis. Don’t tense your muscles.

This is still a pressure-free sensate focus exercise. Think of yourself as caressing the inside of your partner’s vagina with your penis. Focus on the sensations. Stay in the here and now. Don’t think about your performance. This is solely for your pleasure. If your mind starts to drift, gently bring yourself back to the pleasurable sensations you are feeling in the moment.

Your partner should be totally focused on her sensations too. If she’s really paying attention to what she’s feeling, her arousal levels are likely to go up just like yours. The two of you are going to feel really connected here. You’re climbing these mountains together.

Peak at Level 7. This may require you to slowly increase the speed of your thrusting. Nothing frantic, just a medium speed. When you reach Level 7, hit the brakes by squeezing your PC (hopefully by now you have discovered the method of squeezing that works best for you). Take a deep, deep breath. Now stop moving. Tell your partner, “That’s a 7.” This is her cue to stop moving too. Stay inside your partner and wait for your arousal to drop two levels. This should take a few seconds.

Once your arousal has dropped two levels, start thrusting again. This time, you want to peak at Level 8. Try to keep your

thrusting at medium speed. You’re not in any rush-let your arousal build slowly. When you reach Level 8, squeeze your PC. Take a deep, deep breath. Then stop moving for a few seconds. Tell your partner, “That’s an 8.” She should stop moving too, if she hasn’t already. Stay inside of her and let your arousal drop at least two levels.

You may be ready to stop the exercise by now. Or you may feel like you’re just getting started. If you both want to try for a Level 9 peak, go for it. Remember that you are going to have to squeeze that PC really hard and take a really deep breath when you hit your high peaks. If you want to go all the way to orgasm, that’s great too. But feel free to stop at any time. The most important thing is that both of you are enjoying yourselves.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: You can learn all you need to know about peaking without having any intercourse. The most important thing right now is that neither you nor your partner are feeling any pressure to perform. If you would prefer to limit your contact to genital caresses, please do. And remember that if you do have intercourse it should be a pressure free interaction. Don’t change the intent of the exercises.

From Peaks to Plateaus

You are now ready to prepare the final ingredient in our recipe for male multiple orgasm: the plateau. A plateau, quite simply, is an extended peak. The peaks you have been creating in the previous chapter last only one or two seconds. Well, imagine taking these short peaks and stretching them out so they last five seconds, ten seconds, or even longer before they drop off. Instead of a quick peak, you now have an exhilarating plateau.

In the following exercises you are going to learn how to stretch your peaks into plateaus lasting anywhere from several seconds to several minutes. This may sound like a long time right now, but once you experience just how wonderful each plateau feels, you’re going to wish it lasted even longer. I get excited just thinking about it.

There are four different ways to stretch a peak into a plateau:

*Changing your breathing *Squeezing your PC muscle *Changing your motion *Changing your focus

I’m going to teach you all four of these methods in the following exercises. All four are important, for reasons I will discuss later. What you’re really doing in these plateauing exercises is learning how to manipulate and prolong your own arousal using different types of stimulation. You’re learning to “play” with

your levels-to control them and enjoy them in new and exciting ways. This kind of control is going to pave the way toward your first multiple orgasm.

These techniques are a little bit more tricky than anything you’ve tried so far, but the rewards are worth the effort. So, assuming you are rested and ready, let’s get back to work. Note that Exercise 11 does not require a partner, while Exercise 12 is done with a partner.

Exercise 11: Bronco Buster (solo)

Lie on your back or sit in a chair and get very comfortable. Using plenty of lubrication, begin a genital caress. Start working toward a Level 5 peak. Using the first technique-changing your breathing-you are actually going to stretch that Level 5 peak into a Level 5 plateau.

As you reach Level 5 you want to start thinking about making your first plateau. Pay close attention to your arousal level. You should be getting pretty good at this by now. Can you tell the difference between a “5″ and a “5.5″?

Before you reach Level 6, slow down your breathing. Don’t change anything else. By intentionally slowing your breathing pattern, your arousal level should start to fall. Pay close attention as it starts to dip. Once it drops below Level 5, you want to change your breathing again. This time, you want to breathe faster-so you’re almost panting. If you are breathing fast enough, your arousal level will rise back to Level 5 or higher.

Just by manipulating your breathing-alternating between slowing it down and speeding it up you should be able to hover at Level 5 (plus or minus half a level). A lot of guys call this “riding a 5.” See if you can stay there for at least a few seconds.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: You don’t want to do this particular breathing manipulation too long because you might hyperventilate. Sixty seconds is too long. Ten or fifteen seconds is plenty. You can create longer plateaus with the other three techniques.

Take a rest, letting your arousal drop one or two levels. Then begin stroking yourself again so your arousal starts to climb. This time, let’s try to plateau at Level 6 using the second technique: squeezing the PC muscle.

As you reach Level 6 you want to be thinking about your plateau. Don’t stop your caress. Let your arousal continue to rise. But by the time you reach Level 6.5, you need to take action. It’s simple: give your PC a couple of squeezes. That’s all. Don’t change anything else; this time it is only the PC you’re going to work with.

Squeezing the PC should stop your arousal from climbing any higher,. and could bring you down half a level or more. Continue your caress with the same intensity and let your level rise again.

Every time you pass Level 6 use the PC to bring you back down. Try to “ride” that Level 6 for at least ten or fifteen seconds. Yeehaa! You’ve created a plateau with the PC muscle.

Now let’s try the third technique: changing your motion. This time, you are going to stretch your peak into a plateau by changing the speed at which you stroke your penis. Begin as though you were going to peak at Level 7. Once you have passed Level 7, slow your motion down. The shift should lower your arousal almost immediately. Let yourself dip below a “7.” Now speed up your motion to rise back up.

Whenever you want to raise your level, speed up your stroke. Whenever you want to drop it, slow down. It’s that simple. Try to maintain your Level 7 plateau for at least a few seconds. Have a good ride.

The fourth way to stretch a peak into a plateau is to change the focus. In this exercise, changing the focus means changing the area of your genitals that you are stimulating (it will have a different meaning in other exercises). Let’s say you’ve been caressing the head of your penis. To change the focus, you’d stop touching the head and start caressing the testicle or the shaft. Sound simple? Good. Let’s try it.

This time, let’s shoot for Level 8. Caress yourself as though you were going to peak at Level 8, but when you hit your “8,” don’t stop. Somewhere between “8″ and “8.5″ you want to change the focus of your caress. Your arousal should start to drop. As your arousal dips below Level 8, shift back to the area you were touching before or intensify the pressure of your touch. This should bring you back up. If you get too high, shift again. Use this technique to extend your Level 8 peak into a ten- or fifteen-second plateau.

Congratulations cowboy! You’re a full-fledged bronco buster now.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: The key to mastering the plateau is learning to stay relaxed while you continue to stimulate yourself. This gets easier to do once you trust that the four different techniques you’ve just learned really work. With some practice, you can learn to ride at really intense levels, such as Level 9 or even Level 9.5.

You can also learn how to plateau with your partner. Extending your arousal extends your partner’s pleasure too, making this exercise a favorite among women. Some men find it easier to learn plateauing techniques with a partner whereas others find it easier to work alone. Try it both ways, if you like, and see what’s best for you.

Exercise 12: Endless Summer (with a partner)

Once again, you need to lie on your back and get comfortable. Your partner is going to begin a sensate focus genital caress. This

is a demand-free exercise. You should both be focusing on the sensations-nothing more.

Your first plateau is going to be at Level 4, and you are going to create it by controlling your breathing. As you reach Level 4, start breathing more slowly and deeply. Your arousal should start to drop, even though your partner is continuing her caress. When you dip to a “3.5″ start breathing faster, as though you were panting. Your level should rise. Slow down your breathing again once you pass Level 4.

By alternating between slow breathing and panting, you should be able to maintain your plateau at Level 4 for ten or fifteen seconds. It’s like catching a wave and riding it. Just remember that you don’t want to manipulate your breathing for very long because you run the risk of hyperventilating.

Try your next plateau at Level 6. This time, you’re going to use your PC muscle to help you ride the wave.

Your partner is continuing her caress. Your arousal level is rising. When you reach a point just beyond Level 6, give your PC muscle a couple of squeezes. Your level should stop rising-it could even drop slightly.

Your partner is still continuing her caress. Focus on her stimulation. Every time your level hits “6.5,” squeeze that muscle. Try to hold this plateau for at least fifteen seconds. Now let’s try a plateau at Level 7 with the third technique: changing your motion. In the last exercise, you changed your hand motion. But you’re working with a partner now. So in this exercise, you’re going to change the motion of your pelvis.

As your partner caresses you, try responding with some gentle thrusts and rolls of your pelvis. Nothing too quick or abrupt, and nothing too stiff. Just nice, easy thrusts and rolls. Let your arousal rise.

Once you pass Level 7, slow down or stop your pelvic motion. `Your level should start to drop, even though your partner is continuing her caress. If you dip below “7,” speed up your movements. Your level should start to rise again. It’s that simple. Using this technique, try to ride Level 7 for at least fifteen seconds.

Now let’s try the fourth technique-switching the focus-to create a plateau at Level 8.

In chapter 6 you learned how to focus all of your attention on the areas that you or your partner were touching at that very moment. But it is also possible to intentionally shift your focus to an area that is not being touched at that moment. This is different from changing the area where you are being touched, as you did in the previous exercise. This time, you are only making a mental shift in your focus.

Let’s say that your partner has been focusing her caress on the head of your penis. Your attention has been focused there too. By now, that area is feeling extremely sensitive and you are very

aroused. As you pass Level 8, try shifting your mental focus to an area she is not stimulating as intensely. Focus on the shaft of your penis, for example. Or focus on the feeling of her body lying across yours. Your level should start to drop.

If your level dips below “8,” shift your focus back to the area on which your partner is concentrating. Your level should start to rise again. That’s all there is to it. If you want to go higher, focus on the area being stimulated. If you want to go lower, focus on an area not being stimulated so intensely.

This is not the same as thinking about baseball or your old Aunt Irma. You are not trying to mentally leave the room. You are staying very connected to your body and very connected to your partner. You are only changing the point of connection. Using this fourth technique, you should be able to maintain a plateau at Level 8 for at least fifteen seconds, if not more.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: You don’t have to work in any particular order and you don’t have to work at any particular level. I just find that it tends to be easier when you work from low to high. I also don’t recommend doing more than four plateaus in any one session. Save something for next time.

Student Driver on Board

You have now learned four different ways to create a plateau. Some may appeal to you more than others, or work more effectively than others, but the truth is, the best way to create long, fabulous plateaus is to use these four techniques all together.

Now that may sound a bit mind boggling. At this point, you’ve barely mastered each one individually. But it’s a lot like learning to drive a car. Remember how you felt when you got behind the wheel for the first time? There you were, staring down at the clutch, the stick, the brakes, the gas, and the turn signals, thinking, “How am I ever going to learn to do all of these things at the same time?” But you did, didn’t you?

When you learned to drive a car, you didn’t start by doing everything at once. You added things in, one or two at a time. Well, that’s what you’re going to do in these plateauing exercises. So spend some time with these exercises. When you get comfortable with one plateauing technique, try to add a second, and then a third. Before you know it, working simultaneously with all four methods will be almost automatic.

Don’t worry if you’re not a quick study. You don’t have to work with all four techniques simultaneously to have great plateaus. It’s just easier when you’re using all four together. That’s probably hard to imagine right now, but you’ll understand once you’ve had a little practice.

Feel Like Makin’ Love?

It’s nice to be beside your partner when you’re learning how to create plateaus for the first time. But once you’ve started getting comfortable with your newest techniques, it might be even nicer to be inside her.

There’s something about being inside a woman that gives most men extra incentive to stretch out those plateaus. Your partner is going to be just as into these exercises as you are; she may even be doing a little plateauing of her own. A lot of women who are multiorgasmic are actually plateauing at Level 9.9. Their arousal is up so high for so long that they just start crossing over to Level 10 over and over, having orgasm after orgasm. You’re going to learn a different method-something that works better for men-but I thought you’d appreciate knowing this little piece of multiple orgasm trivia.

If you can have intercourse without putting any pressure on yourself or on your partner, try having a few plateaus inside your partner. Experiment with maintaining different levels of arousal during intercourse. The four techniques you will be using are the same: changing your breathing, squeezing your PC muscle, changing your motion, and changing your focus. Be adventurous. Party. Just don’t forget that you both have jobs to go to on Monday morning.

Please do remember that you don’t have to have intercourse in any of these exercises to make them wonderful and special. If you’re still most comfortable with the genital caress, stay with it for now. There will be plenty of opportunities for intercourse later on, once you have solidified your new skills. The most important thing right now is to just keep practicing, and practicing, and practicing…

Your First Multiple Orgasm

Allison and Daniel, who you read about in the beginning of this book, are once again making love on a Sunday morning. They are the same two people they were a month ago, but they don’t feel like the same two people.

Their lovemaking started when Daniel walked out of the shower and was greeted by Allison, who was wearing nothing but a large blue and white striped bath towel. When she wrapped the towel around the two of them, Daniel responded immediately.

Right now they are on top of their queen-size bed where they have been making love for the last ten minutes. They are both totally turned on, and Daniel feels he is ready to have an orgasm, but Daniel knows that Allison needs another five minutes of intercourse before she can climax. No problem.

What was once a source of incredible stress for Daniel and disappointment for Allison is no longer. Daniel knows that this time he can have a powerful orgasm without disturbing the erotic connection. Allison, who knows that Daniel’s orgasm does not signal

the end of their lovemaking, becomes even more excited. It’s thrilling for her to be with Daniel, knowing that he can climax and still keep going.

After his first orgasm, Daniel is able to maintain his erection and continue thrusting until Allison also reaches orgasm. Allison is so excited by Daniel that she actually reaches her climax much sooner than he had anticipated.

Daniel feels that he could keep going for another twenty minutes, but the chime of the grandfather clock in the hall reminds him that they are supposed to meet friends for brunch, and that they had better start moving in that direction. At this point, Daniel decides to have his second orgasm. This time, he will ejaculate.

Until recently, Daniel, like you, knew only one type of orgasm: a single orgasm accompanied by simultaneous ejaculation. Not anymore. Today, he understands that:

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Orgasm and ejaculation do not have to occur together; they are two distinct phenomena that can be experienced as separate pleasures.

Fairy Tales Can Come True (Or, The Tortoise and the Hare Revisited)

Dr. Riskin’s one-shot technique is the fastest way I know for a man to reach his first multiple orgasm. It is also easier to learn than the second method. When it works, it’s amazing. But please take note: The one-shot technique does not work for every man. It is a shortcut, and shortcuts do not always work. The second method in this chapter is far more thorough and far more foolproof. It takes a little more time to learn, but the payoff awaits.

If this one-shot method does not work for you, you have absolutely no reason to get discouraged. It does not mean that there

is something wrong with your equipment and it does not mean that you will never have a multiple orgasm. All it means is that you spent a few minutes trying something new, and it didn’t work. You will learn the one-shot method first because it does save time.

If the one-shot technique does not work for you, do not stop. Do not pass GO. Do not skip a turn. Do not pack your bags and head for Fiji. Instead, please go immediately to the second set of exercises in this chapter. These more comprehensive techniques are not harder to learn. There are more steps in the process, but it is not a difficult process if you follow my instructions. Yes, it may take you a bit longer before you have your first multiple orgasm, but you will have it. Plus, you will also have learned a valuable lesson about the benefits of patience and commitment. Then someday, years from now, when you are sitting with your great-grandchildren reading “The Tortoise and the Hare,” you’ll remember these moments, and tell the story with much greater conviction.

No Cheating, Please

Before we get started, let me stress one last time that the techniques presented in this chapter require a powerful PC muscle that is under your control. This is especially true for the one-shot technique. You also need to be very confident in your ability to peak and/or plateau at very high arousal levels.

I can appreciate the fact that you want to get to the good stuff, and I applaud your enthusiasm. It must be hard not to rush when nirvana awaits, but this is another instance in which rushing can ruin sex.

My grandfather used to say, “It’s hard to reach nirvana if the tires on the bus don’t have enough air.” (I guess you can understand why he and my grandmother got along so well.) Please take a moment right now to “check your tires.” Please examine how diligent you have been following the exercise regimen until this point. Be honest with yourself. If you are the least bit unsure about how thorough you’ve been, now is the time to go back to the earlier exercises and really give it your all.

There is only one shortcut in this book, and that’s the one you’re about to learn. If you have tried to cut corners with any of the previous exercises, you are going to be very frustrated and disappointed when you attempt the exercises in this chapter. Achieving male multiple orgasm is easy if you do the work, but if you don’t do the work, it usually doesn’t happen.

The Shot Heard Round the World

Exercises 13 and 14 were developed by Dr. Michael Riskin through his work with hundreds of men at the Riskin-Banker Psychotherapy Center. He has spent many years refining and perfecting his techniques, and I am happy to be able to present them here. Even if this method doesn’t work for you, it’s fun to try. So

go for it. Exercise 13 is done with a partner and Exercise 14 is done without a partner.

Exercise 13: Doc Riskin’s Magic Motion (with a partner)

This exercise begins with the man lying on his back. Your partner begins by giving you a genital caress with her hands and/or mouth. Let your arousal build. The first thing you are going to do is peak at Level 4. When you reach Level 4, let your partner know. She should stop the stimulation and let you drop a couple of levels. Use your PC to help control the situation.

Ask your partner to resume the stimulation. When you reach Level 5, let her know. She should stop again and let you drop a couple of levels. Use your PC if you need to. Now start again and do a peak to Level 6. It should take between three and five minutes to complete each peak. If you want to take more time, stretch your peaks into plateaus using the techniques we practiced in the previous chapter.

At this point you are going to get into the position we have been using for intercourse. You should be feeling pretty aroused right now, and you probably have at least a partial erection if not a full erection.

Insert your penis into your partner and begin slowly thrusting. You should be taking slow, focused, deep breaths the entire time. Focus on what you are feeling. Focus on every thrust. Your partner should also be focusing on the thrusts and focusing on her feelings.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: The two of you are in this together. If your partner is counting the cracks in the ceiling, it defeats the whole purpose of these techniques. Only practice the partner exercises when both of you are really into it. If you want to practice and she doesn’t, fly solo.

Peak up to Level 7. When you reach Level 7, either slow down or stop thrusting until your arousal drops a couple of levels. Stay in the moment. Now resume or accelerate your thrusting and peak up to Level 8. Let your arousal drop a couple of levels once again. Next, peak up to Level 9. Then drop down yet again. You may prefer to take more time by stretching these peaks into longer plateaus.

Now here’s the tricky part. This time you are going to resume thrusting past Level 9, all the way to your point of inevitability. (Remember that’s the psychological point where it becomes clear to you that ejaculation is going to happen, no matter what.) As soon as you hit your point of no return, squeeze your PC muscle as hard as you can for ten seconds and open your eyes. Take a really deep breath. Now keep thrusting! Don’t stop!

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: Most people instinctively close their eyes as they approach orgasm. To make this technique work, you must open your eyes during the PC squeeze. I don’t know why. All I know is

that it doesn’t work if you keep your eyes closed. Keeping the eyes open is the part of this technique that men are most likely to forget.

If you can do all of these things simultaneously, your body is going to go into orgasm at this very moment. Your heart will pound, you’ll sweat, and your muscles will contract. All of the sensations of at least a partial, if not a full, orgasm will be there. But you will not ejaculate. Your PC has stopped your ejaculation while still allowing your body to go into orgasm.

Once you’ve experienced this partial or full orgasm you need to slow down for a while. Relax for a few seconds-you’ve earned it. You can continue thrusting, but it shouldn’t be vigorous. Instead, begin some real slow, easy thrusting accompanied by some slow breathing.

Right now you’re probably marveling at the fact that you’ve just had an orgasm and you’re still thrusting. Your partner is probably marveling at it too. Pat yourself on the back. Pat each other on the back. Pat each other anywhere you want. But remember, we’re not done yet. One down, one to go.

Once you are in control of your breathing again, it’s time to start back toward the top. Slowly increase the speed of your thrusting. Keep your focus. Let your arousal level rise once more. If you want to do more peaks or plateaus, go ahead. But at this point you may prefer to just let yourself go straight to the top. (Please note that at this point you simply are learning to have two orgasms in a single session of intercourse. In chapter 11 we will talk more about lengthening the amount of time between orgasms, having more than two orgasms, etc.)

When you feel your orgasm coming on once again, don’t try to manipulate it. Don’t try to stop your ejaculation this time. You’ve done enough work for one day. Focus fully on the sensations of your arousal, and let yourself have a second climax-ejaculation and all.

Now you really need to congratulate yourself and each other. You have just had your first multiple orgasm.

I suspect that one of the reasons why the one-shot method doesn’t work for every man is because, as you may have already discovered, it is hard to do. There are so many things to coordinate, particularly at the point where you have to squeeze your PC, take a deep breath, open your eyes, and keep thrusting-all at the same time. That’s harder than learning to play the piano.

The good news is that your partner can be extremely helpful here. If she is keeping pace with you, her actions can reinforce your actions. It helps a lot if she takes a deep breath when you take a deep breath. It helps if she keeps moving as a reminder for you to keep moving. And if she opens her eyes and sees that you haven’t opened yours, she can tell you.

One and a Half Orgasms Are Better Than One

Some men have two full orgasms the first time they try the one- shot technique. Some men cannot work with this method at all. But most men fall somewhere in between. For these men, the first few attempts at mastering the one-shot technique yield some unusual results.

Whether you are practicing the one-shot technique or the second, more conservative method, which will be presented shortly, you are likely to experience any number of new and/or unusual sensations before you have your first true multiple orgasm. For example:

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You may feel like you missed an orgasm.

Last-Minute Jitters Before the Big Debut?

Having your first multiple orgasm is a very big deal. Some men want to share every moment of it with their partners whereas other men get a little nervous and prefer to gain some mastery over these techniques before they host their first coming-out party. Like most of the exercises in this book, the one-shot method can be learned with or without a partner. It’s really up to you and your partner to decide whether or not your first multiple orgasm will be a private event or a semiprivate event (though I discourage you from trying to sell the rights to pay-per-view).

If you are feeling a bit nervous about having your first multiple orgasm, Exercise 14 will teach you how to master the one- shot technique without a partner. Once you’ve had a few multiple orgasms on your own and you’re feeling more confident, you can then return with your partner to Exercise 13.

Even if you have your first multiple orgasm with your partner, you may want to practice the one-shot technique on your own at some point. If this is the case, Exercise 14 is the exercise for you.

Many men like to practice without a partner and some wouldn’t have it any other way. This doesn’t mean they don’t love their partners. It just means they’re driven to excel. One client recently told me, “Practicing on my own was an essential part of learning the fine points of my personal response. I have incredible control now. I think it would have been much harder to develop that if I was always doing this with my partner.” As always, your approach to learning these techniques is a choice for you and your partner to make. There is no right or wrong way.

Exercise 14: One-Man Mission to Mars (solo)

This exercise begins like. a peaking exercise. Using plenty of lubrication, begin stroking your penis. Feel your arousal level start to rise. The first thing you want to do is peak at Level 4 using your PC muscle (the way you did in Exercises 4 and 5). After you have dropped a couple of levels, intensify your stimulation and do a peak at Level 6. Once again, use your PC muscle to control your peak. Next, peak at Level 8. Then at Level 9. Take your time. These first four peaks should take at least fifteen or twenty minutes to complete. (If you want to take even more time, try to plateau at each of these levels.)

What you are going to do now is really push this peaking exercise. Intensify your stimulation once again and peak to Level

9.5. Use your PC muscle to stop your arousal from increasing. You need to be really in control of your body to do this. You’re getting very close to the top now and the temptation to let yourself go and have an orgasm is enormous. Hang in there if you can. It won’t be long now.

Your final peak is going to be at the point of inevitability- your psychological point of no return where ejaculation feels imminent. Talk about dancing on the volcano. This is the toughest peak you’ll ever climb.

You have to be totally tuned in to your body right now. You’re going to be stroking your penis intensely, heading right toward ejaculation. But the moment you reach your point of inevitability- not one second later, but at that very moment-you want to slam on the PC muscle. Keep stroking your penis just as fast as you’ve been stroking up to this point. Take a really deep breath. Now open your eyes and keep them open. Hold your PC muscle as tight as you can for about ten seconds.

Whew . . . I get exhausted just describing it. If you can do all of these things at your point of inevitability, what will happen here is that your body will go into orgasm. But if you’ve squeezed hard enough and long enough with your PC, you will not ejaculate.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: It may sound silly, but you must open your eyes the moment you start your PC squeeze to make this technique work. Besides, this is an event you don’t want to miss.

Take a deep breath again. Slow down the stimulation and let your arousal dip down to Level 8 or Level 7. You’re going to be very tired at this point, and probably pretty sweaty. But you’re not far from having your first multiple orgasm.

Once you’ve “rested” for a moment, intensify your stimulation once again. Let your arousal level rise. But this time, you don’t want to get in the way. You don’t want to squeeze your PC muscle and you don’t want to slow your motion. All you want to do is let yourself have a full orgasm, complete with ejaculation. And that, my friend, is a multiple orgasm.

I have said it before but I need to say it again. The first few times you try an exercise like this you may experience any number of unusual sensations, such as a partial orgasm or a “skipped” orgasm. These things may not feel very normal but they all are very normal, and there is no reason to be concerned. Your body is learning something new, and these are all encouraging signs of your development. So don’t worry . . . be happy.

One other thing. Please remember that this technique does not work for every man. It is difficult to coordinate so many important actions at the exact point of inevitability, but failure to do so may leave you with less than impressive results. Do not despair. It’s full speed ahead, on to the second method! As I said earlier, the second method is a bit more work, but it is also far more foolproof.

Three Steps to Higher Consciousness

When I teach men how to have multiple orgasms, I tend to use a more conservative approach than the one-shot method. Because I am a woman, I don’t like to make any assumptions about what the average man can or cannot do with his equipment. The conservative approach takes into account a wide range of differences among men, and that makes me feel more confident that it will work for you, the reader. If I were a music teacher, I would probably start all of my students with classical music theory and technique. It might not be as much fun in the beginning, but it’s a solid foundation you can work from forever.

At the clinic, it usually takes three sessions to learn this longer method. I guess you could call it a “three-shot technique,” or a “three-step program.” In the first session, you learn the finer points of ejaculation awareness using two exercises as a learning aid. In the second session, I introduce the exercises that result in multiple orgasm. In the third session, we work on timing and practice. We’re going to do the same thing here, but instead of having three sessions in the office, you will learn all three steps in the comfort of your own home. In this chapter, the first two steps are presented. The third step is in chapter 11.

STEP 1: AN EJACULATION EDUCATION

How much do you know right now about your own ejaculation? Did you know, for example, that ejaculation actually occurs in two phases: emission and expulsion? If you did, you get an A in biology. If you didn’t, it’s time to learn.

In the emission phase of your ejaculation, semen starts to move through the vas deferens as muscles near the prostate gland begin to spasm. The semen then collects in the urethral bulb at the base of the penis. In the second phase of your ejaculation-the expulsion phase-the PC muscle starts to contract, forcing the semen up through the urethra and out of the penis.

That’s all very interesting . . . but what did I just say? I’m not so sure myself. I think what we need here is a slightly less academic approach. Let’s start by identifying all of the players in this little, drama. The vas deferens are a bunch of ducts that carry semen from the testicles to the penis-a sort of semen subway. The prostate gland sits just behind the penis at the tip of the bladder. The prostate is also a source of semen, and if you’re one of the lucky ones, that’s all you’ll ever need to know about the prostate. The urethra, an extension of the bladder, is that little tube that runs up through the center of the penis. It carries both urine and semen out into the fresh air. Is that a little clearer? To make it clearer still, you may want to take a look at the diagram in Appendix 2.

Now let’s return to those two phases. In a nutshell, here’s what’s happening. In the emission phase, semen from the testicles and prostate takes a little subway ride to the base of the penis, prodded along by the contractions of muscles near the prostate gland. In the expulsion phase, your old friend the PC muscle picks up the ball and pushes the semen up through the penis and out into the world. Phase 1: The cannon is loaded. Phase 2: The cannon is fired. It’s that simple.

The entire ejaculation process-emission and expulsion-takes about two seconds. Think about that for a moment. Think of all the amazing things you’ve done for that two-second payoff. Think of the poetry you’ve written, the florists you’ve supported, the stories you’ve woven… Nature is truly amazing.

Why do you need to know all of this? Not so that you will feel foolish. Honest. It is very important for you to have a full understanding of your own ejaculation process, including the timing, if you are going to be a master of your own body. For most men, the contraction of the PC during expulsion is an involuntary process. Once you take control of your PC muscle, however, you can voluntarily delay or prevent ejaculation. Yet your body still experiences the full sensation of orgasm, complete with rapid heart rate, muscle contractions, and the intense sensation of release.

Understanding the difference between emission and expulsion helps you learn to actually feel these two distinct phases of ejaculation as they are happening to you. Most men are very aware of the expulsion phase, but they-have little sense of what’s happening

prior to that. But if you want to get the timing right in the last and most important set of exercises in this book, you’re going to need a bit more ejaculation awareness than the average guy. That’s why I always teach my clients the following exercise.

Exercise 15: Texas Two-Step (with a partner)

Lie on your back and ask your partner to begin a genital caress. Do a series of low-level peaks-like a Level 4, a Level 5, and a Level 6. Give your partner lots of feedback so she knows when to back off and when to intensify her caress. Once you have completed these peaks, switch positions.

Your partner should now be lying on her back with her legs in the air, slightly bent. You are going to insert your penis and start some slow, comfortable thrusting. Taking plenty of time, peak up to Level 7, then back off. Next, peak up to Level 8, then back off. Now peak up to Level 9, then back off.

Finally, thrust all the way up to your point of inevitability. But this time, the moment you reach the point of inevitability, both you and your partner should stop thrusting. Keep taking deep breaths, open your eyes, focus all of your attention on your genitals, and try to feel the semen moving from your testicles, to the base of your penis, and up through the urethra.

Could you feel the semen collecting? Did you feel your PC spasm? If you stopped thrusting in time, your two-second ejaculation probably felt as if it took five to ten seconds.

Most men thrust all the way through orgasm when they are having intercourse. It would never occur to the average man that there could be benefits to stopping. That should make this exercise a novel experience for most of you. Many men tell me this exercise gives them the feeling that they are in an altered state of consciousness. It is very normal to feel a little bit spacy, transcendent, or out of your body.

Your partner’s feedback can also be very helpful here. If she felt that your ejaculation had more throbs than usual, or that it went on for a few more seconds than usual, ask her to let you know. What did it feel like to her? For most women, this exercise is a real turn-on.

Once you have successfully completed this exercise, you’re going to have a very different understanding of your own ejaculation. The first thing you’re going to notice is how much time you have between your perceived point of no return and the actual expulsion stage of your ejaculation. Time to make a few phone calls, pay a few bills . . . well . . . more time than you thought. You should also see that you have lots of time to squeeze your PC muscle and pull back from the brink of ejaculation if you choose to. Your ejaculation may feel inevitable once you’ve reached your point of no return, but you actually would have plenty of time to stop it if you wanted.

This new understanding of your ejaculation process should give you more confidence in your ability to control your physiology, even at very intense levels of arousal. Hopefully, this confidence will minimize any tendency to panic during Step 2. But before we get to that, here’s an exercise to help you learn ejaculation awareness without the help of a partner.

Exercise 16: The Longest Yard (solo)

Lie down on your back and get very comfortable (or sit in a comfortable chair). This exercise begins like a peaking exercise. Using plenty of lubrication, begin stroking your penis and experiencing your arousal. Peak at Level 4, then let your arousal drop two levels. Now peak at Level 6, then let your arousal drop off. Take plenty of time. Each peak should take at least three minutes. Resume your stroking and peak at Level 8. Once again, allow your arousal to drop off two levels before intensifying the stimulation. Peak at Level 9. Remember to breathe deeply as you let your arousal drop off once more.

Intensify your stimulation and let your arousal, rise all the way to your point of inevitability. Now stop stroking. Open your eyes and focus all of your attention on your genitals. Breathe deeply and regularly as you begin to ejaculate. Can you feel the semen collecting at the base of your penis? Can you feel it when the PC muscle begins to spasm? Can you feel the semen as it moves up through the penis? If you stopped stroking at the right time, your two-second ejaculation should feel as though it lasted at least five or six seconds, if not longer. As I mentioned in the previous exercise, feelings of spaciness or altered consciousness are very common when practicing this technique.

STEP 2: THE KEYS TO THE KINGDOM

Now that you have a little bit of ejaculation awareness under your belt, so to speak, you are ready for the coup de grace. The following two exercises are my absolute favorite ways to teach men how to have multiple orgasms. If you found the one-shot technique to be awkward, problematic, or less than satisfactory in any way-as some men do-these are the exercises for you. I love these exercises and the way that my clients respond to them. Frankly, I’ve never met a man who didn’t share my enthusiasm once he followed all of my instructions and suggestions.

Exercise 17 is for a couple to do together, and Exercise 18 is for the man who would prefer to learn on his own. You have worked long and hard to get to this point. Today, a whole new world awaits. Your deepest fantasies are about to come true. It’s time for the big payoff. The keys to the kingdom will soon be yours. Are there any cliches I’ve left out? I don’t think so. It’s time for us to get to work.

Exercise 17: The Big Takeoff (with a partner)

You are going to need a full hour to do this exercise. If there’s one exercise you don’t want to rush, believe me, it’s this one. The exercise begins with the man lying on his back, receiving a sensate focus genital caress from his partner. Focus on how good your partner’s caress feels as your arousal level begins to rise. Your partner should be focused on touching you, and how sensual that feels to her.

The first thing you are going to do is peak at Level 4, then let your arousal drop two levels. Take your time; both of you should be enjoying all the sensations. Next, do a peak at Level 5 and drop back down. Follow this with a peak at Level 6. Each peak should take at least three or four minutes. Once you have dropped down a bit from Level 6, you are ready to switch positions.

Your partner should lie on her back with her legs up and her knees bent. You want to be on your knees, with most of your weight being supported by your legs. You are going to do a series of peaks while having intercourse with your partner, but these peaks are going to be very different from any peaks you’ve done before. From this point forward you’re going to be doing a series of really fast, intense peaks using vigorous thrusting. And you’re going to be doing a lot of concentrated, powerful squeezing with your PC muscle. You’re not going to take a lot of time in between peaks here. This is a sprinting exercise, and it’s going to be very intense.

Begin by inserting your penis into your partner and gently thrusting. Pick up speed quickly. Now thrust as hard as you can until your arousal hits Level 8. Stop thrusting and squeeze your PC muscle really hard. Your partner should stop thrusting too. Take a deep breath and open your eyes. Let your arousal drop a level.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP; This exercise works best when your partner’s experience mirrors yours. This does not require any acting skills. This exercise should be just as intense for her as it is for you, and it is important that she feels free to express that. There is only one catch. No matter how much she wants to keep going, the moment you stop thrusting, she must stop moving too.

Once you’ve dropped a level, start doing some relaxed, easy thrusting. Try to change the angle of entry slightly so that your penis is pointing up higher into your partner. As soon as you’ve mobilized enough energy, start thrusting as fast and hard as you can. When you reach Level 8.5, stop thrusting and squeeze your PC muscle really hard. Your partner should stop thrusting too. Take a deep breath and open your eyes. Let yourself drop a level.

As soon as you have your energy back, you want to take off again for another sprint up the hill. Try to point your penis even higher this time. Thrust as hard and as fast as you can all the way to Level 9. Then stop thrusting and squeeze your PC as hard as you can. Your partner should stop too. Take a deep breath and open your eyes. Back off a level.

This is where it’s going to start getting really interesting. Once again, you want to slightly increase your “angle of attack.” By the time this exercise is done, your penis is going to be entering your partner at almost a ninety-degree angle! Are you ready? This time, you’re going to thrust your way to Level 9.5 before you stop and squeeze your PC. Remember that the higher your arousal level, the harder you have to squeeze and the deeper you need to breathe.

Drop a level and collect your strength. Ready? This time, you’re aiming for Level 9.75! Point your penis even higher than the last time. Now thrust as fast as you can until you hit your peak. Then stop thrusting, squeeze your PC as hard as you can, take a deep, deep breath, and open your eyes. Your partner should stop moving the moment you stop. Any extra motion right now could cause you to ejaculate before you want to.

Your final peak is going to be at Level 9.9 . . . your point of inevitability. This is the big one. Don’t panic. Remember how much time you have between the point of inevitability and the expulsion phase of your ejaculation. Your penis should now be pointed as high as it can go. Start your sprint. Thrust as hard and as fast as you can all the way up to your point of inevitability. Now stop thrusting! Slam on your PC muscle-give it everything you’ve got. Take a huge breath. Open your eyes. Now try to hold that PC squeeze for at least five to ten seconds.

Right now, your body should be going into orgasm. Your heart is pounding, your muscles are contracting, and you’re probably sweating-but you did not ejaculate! You have just had an orgasm without ejaculation.

What you want to do now is back off and rest a little bit by starting some really slow, easy thrusting. The slow, sensate-focus thrusting will help you maintain your erection. Give your partner lots of kisses for being so wonderful. But remember, it’s not over yet. One down, one to go.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP; After your first orgasm, your erection may go down temporarily. On a hardness scale of one to ten, it could drop as low as five. That is why you need to resume thrusting as soon as possible to bring yourself back “up” to speed.

Once you’re both rested and ready, it’s time to head for the home stretch. Start by intensifying your thrusting. Let your arousal level rise. But this time, don’t try to stop. Pass Level 8. Keep thrusting. Pass Level 9. Keep thrusting. Thrust all the way through your point, of no return. Pass GO. Collect $200. Let yourself have a full, fabulous orgasm, complete with ejaculation and eighty-piece orchestra accompaniment. Congratulations! You have just had a multiple orgasm. And boy, do you deserve it.

This exercise is called “The Big Takeoff” because it reminds me of the way airplanes take off at John Wayne International Airport in Orange County, California. To cut noise pollution on takeoff, the

pilot angles the plane up really high, accelerates really fast, then cuts the engines. Your final peak at Level 9.9 should feel the same way. Your penis is angled up as high as it can go, you are thrusting as fast as you can, then suddenly you use your PC muscle to “cut the engines.” Get the picture?

There is another image that helps my clients learn and remember this exercise. When you are doing this exercise, think of yourself running up a hill as fast as you can until you reach a sign that says “Level 8.” You hit the brakes and catch your breath. Maybe you slide back down the hill a little bit to the sign that says “Level 7.” When you reach that sign, you start sprinting again. This time, you sprint all the way to the sign that says “Level 8.5″ You hit the brakes again, catch your breath, and slide back down one level. These sprints continue to Level 9 and Level 9.5. Your last sprint is to the sign that says “Level 9.9: NO TRESPASSING BEYOND THIS POINT.” Now this sign is just inches from the top of the hill, and beyond that is a steep drop to the bottom. So this time, you sprint as fast as you can up to the sign and hit your breaks really hard because you don’t want to go over that hill. But even though your feet are firmly planted at the sign, your emotional momentum still makes you feel as though you’ve gone over the top, and you experience all the sensations of falling without actually falling.

These two images-the noise abatement takeoff and hillside sprints-should help you get your motion and your angles right at the crucial points in this exercise. If you already have an image of your own, use it by all means. I just find these two particular images extremely helpful when someone is learning these techniques for the first time. Some clients tell me that years after they have learned these techniques they still get a little misty eyed every time they fly out of John Wayne International Airport. For the Do- It-Yourselfer

Some day, there will be an old saying, “You don’t have to have a partner to have a multiple orgasm.” Today, you just have to take my word for it. The following method is the one I use most often to teach men how to have a. multiple orgasm without a partner. Even if you have a partner to learn with, practicing on your own always accelerates the learning process. This is a particularly good exercise to practice various techniques and hone your control. Most men wind up slipping in at least a few private practice sessions when they are first learning these methods. There’s a lot to learn in the beginning, and men tell me that practicing on their own helps build their confidence.

Exercise 28: Two-Time Champion (solo)

Lie down and get very comfortable, or sit in a comfortable chair. Take some lubrication and begin stroking your penis with a sensate focus genital caress. We’re going to start by doing some nice, slow low-level peaks. I recommend doing one or two Level 4

peaks, followed by a Level 5 peak and a Level 6 peak. Each peak should last at least three or four minutes.

Once you have completed at least three or four low-level peaks, you’re going to target Level 8. But this time, you’re going to do something a little bit different.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP; This technique does not work if you try to jump into the deep end of the pool and start with highlevel peaks like Level 8 or Level 9. You must start slowly, practicing peaks at Level 4, Level 5, and Level 6.

Instead of using a slow sensate focus stroke, you are going to stroke your penis as fast as you can to bring your arousal to Level

8.

When you reach Level 8, slam on your PC muscle, take a deep breath-as deep as you can-and open your eyes. Slow your stroking down and let your arousal drop a couple of levels.

Your next target is going to be Level 8.5. To get there, start stroking your penis as fast as you can. When you reach Level 8.5, squeeze your PC muscle as hard as you can, take a deep, deep breath, and open your eyes. Slow down your stroke, breathe really slow, and let your arousal drop again.

You’re going to repeat this quick-stroke method for Level 9 and Level 9.5. Once you’ve completed these two levels, you’re ready to stroke yourself as fast as you can all the way up to your point of inevitability-Level 9.9. When you hit that point, you want to squeeze that PC muscle as hard as you possibly can. Open your eyes. Breathe deeply. Hold that squeeze tight for at least a full five seconds, if not more.

At this point, your body should go into orgasm, but if your PC muscle is strong and you timed your squeeze right, you will not ejaculate.

This is hard work. You’re probably sweating and gasping for breath right now if you’ve been following my instructions carefully. So let yourself drop a couple of levels and really catch your breath. Don’t stop stroking because you don’t want to lose your erection. Just stroke yourself slowly for a little while.

Ready for your second orgasm? Great. Once again, begin stroking your penis as fast as you can. Pass Level 9, pass Level 9.5, and keep stroking. Stroke all the way through your point of inevitability into orgasm. Don’t try to stop. Don’t use your PC brake. Just let yourself have a full orgasm, complete with ejaculation. And that is how to have a beautiful do-it-yourself multiple orgasm. Now hit the showers.

You Know It’s Working When…

Let me remind you one last time that your initial attempts with these multiple-orgasm exercises might bring strange or unusual results. You may only have a partial orgasm that doesn’t feel all

that special, or you may feel as though you missed an orgasm. You may even have a partial ejaculation without any orgasm after your first orgasm. Don’t get scared and don’t get discouraged. This is all very good news. You are clearly on your way to having your first full multiple orgasm. Your body is just getting adjusted to some new ideas. As I said before, most men have at least one of these unusual experiences before their techniques “click.” So just relax and enjoy the process.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Learning the techniques in this book is like learning anything new. Some guys will be just plain lucky. They will become multiorgasmic quickly and easily, and retain that ability, even improve upon it, for the rest of their lives. But what about everyone else? It’s my experience that most men master the art of multiple orgasm in a more conventional two steps forward, one step backward fashion. For these men, the key to improvement is that one word we all dread: practice.

Don’t you just hate it when a teacher starts lecturing you about the importance of practice? I know I do. That’s why I stopped taking violin lessons four times. But . . . sigh . . . as we all know, sometimes there’s just no substitute for putting the old nose to the grindstone.

You are learning to do amazing things with your body. It’s not fair to expect yourself to be perfect the first time and every time. With a little bit of the “p” word, however, you can easily solidify and refine the techniques that will give you years and years of multiple pleasures. The most important thing to remember is that following these techniques will always bring results. Besides, there are worse things to be practicing on a Saturday night.

One easy way to strengthen your technique is to keep repeating the exercises you’ve just completed in chapter 10. Now I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound like a very painful homework assignment to me . . . and I hate homework. It is also very helpful to return to the exercises in earlier chapters that stress control and technique. Practice peaking (Exercises 6 and 7), peaking with the PC (Exercises 8, 9, and 10), and plateauing (Exercises 11 and 12). These are especially helpful if you have a little trouble controlling your high-level peaks. Of course, you should always be giving your PC a workout to keep that wonderful little muscle strong as a vise.

There is one other exercise that really focuses on fine-tuning your timing and control. It’s a really exciting exercise, and even if you don’t try it, you should read through it. You may pick up an idea or two for later.

Exercise 19: Splitting the Atom (with a partner)

This exercise begins with the man lying on his back while his partner gives him a genital caress. Start by doing some really easy, low-level peaks or plateaus, say Level 4, Level 5, and Level 6. Take your timeat least four or five minutes at each level. Focus on the sensations of the caress.

Assuming that you have a good erection at this point, it’s time to switch positions. Your partner should lie on her back with her legs up and knees bent. As you enter your partner, be certain that your weight is being supported by your legs, not your arms. Start thrusting at a medium pace.

Try to peak at Level 8. When you reach Level 8, slow down a bit and give your PC muscle a squeeze. Make it a medium squeeze, not a crusher. Your partner should slow down her movements to match yours. Let your arousal drop a level. Now pick up your speed and peak to Level 8.5. Slow down once again and give your PC another medium squeeze. Once again, your partner should slow down her movements to match yours. Let your arousal drop a level. Pick up your speed again and peak to Level 9. Slow down. Squeeze your PC and let your level drop. Each of these peaks should last at least three or four minutes.

Now this is where it gets a little bit more interesting than usual. From this point forward, you’re going to be inching your way toward the point of inevitability, doing a series of short peaks (forty-five seconds or less) at higher and higher levels. Think of yourself as trying to do a peak at Level 9.1, Level 9.2, Level 9.3, etc., all the way up to Level 9.9.

It may sound a bit ridiculous to try and split hairs like this, but actually, it isn’t that hard. For example, the difference between Level 9.4 and Level 9.5 is probably just a few thrusts-it could even be a single thrust. So what you’re going to be doing is adding no more than a few additional thrusts every time you peak, using your PC muscle to bring you back down a bit in between each peak.

Your final peak will be at your point of inevitability-Level

9.9. Because of the gradual approach you have made to reach the top, you will probably find it much easier to squeeze your PC muscle at just the right moment this time, letting your body go over into orgasm without ejaculating.

After your first orgasm, give yourself a short rest by doing some very slow thrusting and some real easy breathing. Are you ready for more? If you’re maintaining your erection and your arousal is pretty high, pick up your speed and thrust all the way through your point of inevitability, having a second orgasm, complete with ejaculation.

This exercise is very unusual for both partners because it’s almost as if you’re doing a very high-level plateau while squeezing your PC muscle every few seconds. It might feel as though your body is having little spasms or mini-orgasms before you have your first big orgasm.

If you miss one of your high-level peaks and wind up having a partial ejaculation, or even a full ejaculation with your first orgasm, that’s perfectly okay. This is a pleasure technique, not a birth control technique, and there are no grades here. Try to have another peak and another orgasm, but if you can’t recover, don’t sweat it. Just remember that the next time you do this exercise, you’re going to try to be a little bit more conservative with your thrusting.

Like most of the techniques you have now learned, this practice exercise can also be done without a partner. In fact, it’s a particularly good exercise to do by yourself because it is a little bit easier to control the intensity of stimulation to the penis when you are using your own hands. Since we’re working with such subtle incremental changes here, every little bit of control makes a difference.

Exercise 20: The Daily Double (solo)

The first thing you need to do is lie down and get comfortable, or sit in a very comfortable chair. Using plenty of lubrication, begin a sensate focus genital caress, slowly stroking your penis in a way that pleases you most. For the first part of this exercise, I’d just like you to do three or four low-level peaks (e.g. Level 4, Level 5, and Level 6), using your PC muscle to control your arousal at each peak. Try to use a medium-strength squeeze here, not a bone- crushing monster squeeze. Remember to breathe deeply at each peak to help bring your arousal back down a notch or two. Take your time. Each peak should take at least three or four minutes.

Your next peak is going to be a slightly more intense, Level 8 peak. You’re probably stroking your penis a bit faster by now. That’s fine, as long as you’re not trying to rush the process. Keep using that PC muscle to control your arousal (a firm squeeze, but not a killer), and remember to breathe deeply as you squeeze. The next phase of this practice exercise begins at Level 9. Try to create a series of mini-peaks at Level 9, Level 9.1, Level 9.2, Level 9.3, etc., all the way to Level 9.9.

This sounds tricky, but it’s not that hard once you know that it only takes two or three extra strokes to raise you from one mini- level to the next. So, let’s say you’ve just used your PC muscle to peak at Level 9. Resume your caress and go three or four strokes past Level 9-this is Level 9.1. At Level 9.1, give your PC a medium squeeze, breathe deeply, and let your level drop ever so slightly (not even one full level). Start stroking yourself again. This time, go three or four strokes past Level 9.1this is Level 9.2. Give your PC a medium squeeze and breathe deeply, letting your level drop again. Resume your caress. You are going to try to continue in this fashion, one tiny increment at a time, until you have worked yourself all the way up to Level 9.9.

By the time you reach Level 9.9, you should find it relatively easy to give that PC muscle one last solid squeeze at just the right

moment, enabling your body to go into orgasm without having an ejaculation. As I stressed in the previous exercise, there is no need to fret if you miss one or two of these mini-levels and find yourself having a partial or full ejaculation. Just make a note to be more conservative with your stroking the next time you decide to practice (i.e., fewer strokes and/or, slower strokes).

After your first orgasm, let yourself relax for a minute or two by doing some slow, even stroking. If you’re still in the mood for more (this exercise is pretty exhausting and you may have had enough for one session), pick up your speed again and stroke yourself all the way to a second orgasm. This time, don’t try to hold back your ejaculation.

Where Do You Go from Here?

How are you feeling right now? Having your first multiple orgasm can be a life-altering experience. It’s disorienting to realize the effect this process will have on everything from your deepest fears to your deepest fantasies. One of the most rewarding moments for me as a clinician is when a client “gets it” for the first time. To be present for that moment when a person’s understanding of his own sexual potential changes forever is quite a privilege. Obviously, I can’t be with each and every one of you right now. But believe me that I am with you in spirit, and that I am truly proud of the work each of you has done.

Once you have taken control of the process you have just learned, multiple orgasms are easy. At first, you’ll probably want to stick closely to the style and steps of the exercises. But before long, you’re going to feel so confident in your ejaculatory control that you will be ready to expand your horizons. For the ambitious man and his partner, a brave new world awaits. Think of all the exercises in this book as your “starter kit.” I’ve included everything you need to get going, and have hours and hours of fun, but it’s really just the beginning. Soon you’re going to want to accessorize.

I’m sure you have noticed by now that in each of the multiple- orgasm exercises in this book, I encouraged you to have your second orgasm within a minute or two of your first. The reason for suggesting you have your second orgasm so quickly was to make learning these techniques less overwhelming. It’s hard enough to get to the point where you can have your first nonejaculatory orgasm. You don’t need to be worrying about your second orgasm too. In the beginning, it’s more important to know that you can have a second orgasm. The timing of that orgasm is a lot less important.

But now you know you can have two orgasms in a row without losing your erection. Now you’re a believer. You may not want to have that second orgasm so quickly. No . . . you may want to wait a while . . . and wait . . . and wait. After all, isn’t that what you’re here for?

It’s time to start expanding your repertoire. Most exercise regimens begin with stretching exercises, but that’s where ours is going to end. Begin by trying to stretch out the time between your first and second orgasm. How long can you go before having your second orgasm? How long do you want to go? Maybe you don’t want to ejaculate the second time either, so you can have a third orgasm . . . or even a fourth orgasm! Why not? You’ve earned it. From now on, here is your new mantra: Stretch, stretch, stretch. Start experimenting too. Be creative and be ambitious. Now that you know what to do, you’re in control. just keep in mind that you always have your tried and true starter kit exercises to fall back on should you lose your way, Experiment with your timing. Experiment with your techniques, with your pacing, and with your positions. But before you do anything, get your partner’s input. What does she want right now? What are her fantasies? What are her needs? Where does she want to go from here? Let her answers be your guide.

Male multiple orgasm is a magical thing. Magical for you, magical for your partner, and magical for the relationship. The hardest work is now behind you, and the future is full of possibilities. Just remember that wherever you decide to go from here, the most important thing for both of you is to enjoy yourselves.

Success!

I would like to end this book by introducing you to four more multiorgasmic men. All of these men have recently learned the very same techniques you are now practicing. Each man has a slightly different story to tell, and every story is well worth telling. While each of these men started with a different motivation, a different understanding of male sexuality, a different attitude, and a different physiology, they all had the same goal: male multiple orgasm. Having now achieved that goal, they all were eager to share their experiences with you, the reader. Some of them even had advice they wanted to offer.

Stephen’s Story

Like many men who are interested in learning how to become multiorgasmic, Stephen’s motivation was a natural outgrowth of his pleasure orientation. When we first met, he gave me the following information about himself:

“I believe there is so much pleasure to get out of every single aspect of life. No matter what it is I’m doing-skiing, biking, painting, even working-I’m always trying to find the pleasure zone and stretch my experience in that zone. To me, that’s what life is all about. Of course, I’ve always tried to do the same thing with sex. I’m always experimenting with different techniques, always trying to expand ‘the zone.’ Don’t get me wrong-it’s not an

obsession or anything like that. I just have a very strong internal drive, coupled with unending curiosity and a willingness to try new things.

“That’s why I was so drawn to the idea of male multiple orgasm. The whole concept felt like such a natural extension of my attitude and my life. I still remember my reaction the first time I heard that such a thing existed. I was listening to some sexologist on the radio talking about the original Kinsey findings. It was a pretty boring discussion, until he mentioned the part about multiorgasmic men. Suddenly, a big smile broke across my face, and I said to my girlfriend, ‘Now that sounds like it should be me.’”

Stephen’s goal when he started working with me at the clinic was to learn how he could stay inside his partner’s vagina at very high arousal levels for as long as possible. He told me that he didn’t want “just any old multiple orgasm.” He was looking for an experience of maximum intensity. That really made me laugh, since I tend to think of almost every multiple orgasm as a pretty intense experience.

This is how Stephen summed up his learning process:

“After mastering the initial exercises, it wasn’t long before I learned how to maintain my erection and my arousal after my first orgasm. At first, I wasn’t always able to stop myself from ejaculating. This didn’t surprise me. After all, I’ve been ejaculating during orgasm for a lot of years and my body has to be pretty used to that path… I didn’t expect to get total control overnight.

“Even if I ejaculated I would try to continue thrusting for as long as possible. Dina, my partner, was extremely helpful during those times. She never judged me, never criticized me, and most important, never tried to stop me. She just let me do whatever I could do. I was determined to get the hang of this one way or the other, but her generous attitude really helped.

“Soon I was able to have a second orgasm within two or three minutes of my first. But that was just the beginning. Once I knew I could keep my erection and keep going, I really started to push ‘the zone.’ Five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen, twenty . . . I find that now I can even let myself ejaculate during my first orgasm without losing my erection, and I still have a second, partial ejaculation with my second orgasm. That, to me, is amazing.

“The key; I have discovered, has been to focus everything on the sensation of moving in and out of my partner’s body. That’s where the sensate focus exercises really paid off. When Dina is wet from my first ejaculation, the experience is even more intense. I guess that’s what helps make the ‘impossible’-now possible.”

Alex’s Story

When Alex was a teenager, he was able to have multiple orgasms with many of the women with whom he was having sex. He was very self-assured, and really loved having sex. As he got older, however,

he lost his multiorgasmic ability. He also lost a lot of his sexual confidence.

Alex came to my office with his wife Paula. They had been married for six years. While they assured me that many aspects of their sex life were very rewarding, they also acknowledged that there were areas that needed work.

During this first visit, Alex expressed a very powerful desire to enhance and control his sexual response, and to recapture the magic of his teenage years. Paula’s greatest concern was Alex’s lack of confidence, but she was also intrigued by the idea of male multiple orgasm, and had no trouble imagining the possible benefits for both of them.

Alex started his relearning process by strengthening his PC muscle. He then began doing peaking and plateauing exercises with Paula during intercourse. Here is how he recalled his initial sessions with Paula practicing these new techniques:

“During intercourse with Paula I would squeeze my PC at each peak, all the way up to the point of inevitability. At that point, I would have what I would call a ‘60-percent orgasm’ along with a partial ejaculation. I was able to maintain my erection, and continue having intercourse with Paula, which was good. But frankly, it didn’t feel that good. It actually felt kind of funny-weird funny-and at that point I was skeptical.”

After talking to Alex and Paula about these initial experiences, I realized that Alex had not been highly successful his first few times. I felt that Alex needed to back up a bit and slow his process down. Instead of pushing him to keep practicing the techniques he was already using, I encouraged him to do more awareness exercises.

As a couple, I thought Alex and Paula would benefit from more practice doing sensate focus caresses. And I suspected that Alex would also benefit from focusing more on the process of creating and maintaining plateaus at higher and higher levels. I suggested he practice his plateaus alone at first to keep some of the pressure off. That helped a lot, as Alex illustrates:

“I started to practice by myself, doing plateaus at Level 8, 8.5, 9, and 9.5. At the point of inevitability I would focus intently on my groin and the sensation of thrusting. At this point, I had a sense of an extremely prolonged orgasm-maybe ten to twelve seconds, compared to my usual three to four seconds. I would be sweating like they do in the movies and my heart would be pounding. That was a very new experience for me, and it was very intense. I remember that at the time I was thinking to myself, ‘You may be on to something here.’

“Then I tried doing the squeeze again during intercourse with Paula. The first three times I tried, I only had a ‘50-percent orgasm,’ but unlike the previous times, I was no longer ejaculating. Something about my body was definitely changing, and I felt really encouraged.”

At this point in the training process I decided it was time to introduce Alex and Paula to my favorite exercise: “The Big Takeoff.” Alex recalls:

“Learning the new exercise was the final turning point for us. The very first time Paula and I tried this, I had two ‘100-percent orgasms’ within seven minutes of each other. Paula also had an extraordinary orgasm. Success!

“At first, it was easier to have my second orgasm outside of Paula’s vagina. Once she felt satisfied, we would stop having intercourse and she would masturbate me to my climax with her hands. That was fine for a while, but eventually I became comfortable staying inside her for my second climax. Of course, that felt better for her and for me.

“I cannot overstate what becoming multiorgasmic again has done for me. Within less than two months I went from being extremely uncertain about the whole thing to being able to have two ‘100- percent orgasms’-one without an ejaculation and one with-whenever I chose to do so. Becoming multiorgasmic has given me back my sexual confidence, and a sense of myself that is hard to put in words. Paula teases me about it all the time. She says that I’m a different person-a person she wants to have sex with a lot more often.”

Charles’s Story

Charles competes every year in a number of marathons and biathlons. Being a serious athlete, he was prepared to build up his techniques the same way an athlete would build up endurance for a marathon or other sporting event. Charles knew his body well enough to know that if he was patient, he could train himself to have a multiorgasmic response almost automatically. Here’s what he had to say:

“I love sex, and my wife and I have great fun together in bed, but there is a part of me that takes sex very seriously. I have pushed my body hard through all kinds of rigorous athletic training programs, and it has always paid off in the end. Intuitively, I knew that it wouldn’t be any different for something like male multiple orgasm. You put yourself through your paces, you get the result.

“My strategy was to do an exercise and learn a technique by myself, then try the same technique in a session with my wife. The sessions with my wife were strictly for our pleasure. I did the hard work by myself.”

Charles was anxious to get started, yet he progressed through his training slowly and methodically-the mark of an athlete who takes his work seriously. He explains:

“I exercised my PC muscle a lot, but I never overdid it; I knew it would only be a matter of time before everything kicked in. People push too hard when they don’t know their bodies. But serious athletes have learned the rewards of pacing themselves. Why should it be any different with these exercises?”

Did Charles’s patience and hard work pay off? I’ll let him tell you:

“It has been almost a year now since I started to learn these techniques, and the results have been extraordinary. Compared to other exercise regimens of mine, this one was a snap. I never needed to learn the ‘windsprint’ technique. All I had to do was practice my peaking, plateauing, and PC control and everything else unfolded effortlessly. I couldn’t really tell you why I didn’t need the final exercises. My body just found a different way.”

There are many paths to the top of the mountain, and clearly, Charles found his. The goal here is male multiple orgasm, and as far as I’m concerned, whatever works, works. Not surprisingly, it’s still working for Charles:

“When a marathon is over, it’s over, but when you’re multiorgasmic, it never ends. I am becoming more and more orgasmic all the time, even though I don’t even try anymore. I have had as many as five orgasms during one session of intercourse with my wife. You know what the odd part is? It’s as though I’ve suddenly discovered that my body is naturally multiorgasmic. I never knew it because I didn’t even know that such a thing existed. But now it feels like it’s who I am, and who I always was.

“My wife says that knowing me and knowing how determined I can be, she’s not entirely surprised by my success, though she certainly is pleased. She thinks this all happened so easily for me because I’m so driven, but I think that’s only half of the story. I really wonder how many men are probably just like me, with this ‘natural’ ability just sitting there, waiting to be tapped.”

Frederick’s Story

Finally, I’d like you to meet Frederick. Frederick is a structural engineer who told me that his desire to learn about male multiple orgasm was driven by “an engineer’s fascination with how his body works.” Men like Frederick are so methodical and scientific in their style of approach that from the very beginning their success seems inevitable.

To train his body to respond the way he envisioned it could, Frederick invented his own style of “riding the 9’s.” He learned to plateau at Level 9 for a full ten minutes, using a combination of breathing, PC contractions, and varying the speed of his thrusting. You learned to create plateaus like this in chapter 7, but you probably didn’t imagine you could ride, high-level plateaus all the way to orgasm. Well, Frederick did, and he liked the results so much that he stuck with it, creating his own personal style of climaxing.

Riding a wave like this at very high levels is different from the more aggressive techniques you learned in chapter 10. Instead of pushing yourself to the point of orgasm, you almost fall over into orgasm after plateauing for long intervals at very high levels. As I briefly mentioned earlier in the book, this type of approach most closely resembles the way many women have multiple orgasms.

Not surprisingly, Frederick had a lot to say about his process:

“I did most of my training by myself. I was able to bring myself to multiple orgasm before I tried doing it with a partner. If I can be frank here, I’ve always felt that masturbation is essential if you’re going to learn your own personal response. I know that some people might be uncomfortable with this, but personally, I think they are getting in the way of their own progress and their own pleasure.

“If you’re like me, the kind of guy who can get pretty obsessed with mastering something like this, I don’t think it’s fair to ask your partner to work with you every single time you want to practice these techniques. Sometimes? Yes. But not every single time. Still, that practice is important-at least it was for me. I couldn’t ‘imagine learning ‘to ‘nave the kind of control I now have if I didn’t spend a lot of time working on this alone.”

Frederick has learned to have as many as four orgasms before he ejaculates. His final words on the subject should be an inspiration to every man:

“You can’t fail! If you do the work, you simply cannot fail! Every exercise is a stepping stone closer to the goal. Each one, no matter how it feels, is a learning experience. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, and sometimes you don’t know whether it did or it didn’t. That can be a little weird, but your body keeps changing; it keeps adjusting and adapting. The most important thing is to keep a positive attitude all the time and just keep going. And keep working that PC muscle! A strong PC muscle is a requirement for success!”

Your Story

So there you have it. Four very different men, four very different experiences, yet every one is a success story.

So what about you? What’s your story? I want to know. Why did you decide to learn about male multiple orgasm? What has the learning experience been like for you? What was easy? What was challenging? Now that you have completed all of the exercises, what does it feel like to be a multiorgasmic man? How has your body changed? How has your sense of yourself changed? If you are in a relationship, how has that changed? What has been your partner’s experience of this process? What advice do you have for other men who are interested in learning these techniques? I’m really interested in your input. Let me know by writing to me.

Male multiple orgasm and other secrets for prolonged lovemaking by Dr. Barbara Keesling, Ph.D. Copyright 1994

A Collection of 12 Love Poems By Aparna Chatterjee. Year of Publication : 2006

Three Little Words

Three little words

mean the whole world

to me…

Every moment,

Every year,

Every day of my life,

Every breath that I take

Those three little words

Keep me alive…

I say it to you

I’ve said it before

I feel for you

With all my heart…

Those three little words

Are so dear to me

You know and I know

Those three little words,

For you’ve said it to me

And have felt for me

Without a care

In this world…

Those three little words

Mean a lot to you

And Indeed

Are very precious to me…

So let’s Celebrate

This Valentine’s Day

Just as we cherish

Every day

Of our togetherness

And remain in love

forever more…

Holding ourselves

In a loving embrace

Caring, feeling,

Expressing…

Those three little words

From you to me

And me to you…

Yes, it is true

My Love

And here it goes,

Just the way

It has always been

Over the years…

And so I say it

To you, that

I Love You

I Love You,

I Love You.

#################################################################################

From Me To You

Warm, loving wishes

soft tender kisses

a mouthful of smile

from me to you

A soul-stirring song

making love long

till the end of dawn

from me to you

Giving you love

and lots of courage

a simple promise

from me to you

Being your wife

having borne your son

endless gratitude…

from me to you

You take my word

no looking back

togetherness galore

from me to you.

#################################################################################

If Only…

If only you could know that I can see through you,

the way you talk to me, your smile tells it all,

that touch of yours…so sparse, unintended,

yet so warm, it melts me down…

I know you desire me, your eyes tell it all,

It’s not just physical, you love the way I pep you up,

annoy you, make you sulk…

and the endless string of favors you just

love doing for me, I know you care!

It’s as simple as that, you are my mirror-image,

If I see you ‘hopelessly in love’, of course, I am in too!

#################################################################################

Sunset at Scarborough

When you saw

The Golden Sun

Setting on the Sea

At Scarborough

And you thought of me, my love

I felt wonderful…

Being a part of the text

That you sent me

Being a part of your memory

As you remembered me…

Being a part of that

Moment in Time

When the Golden Sun

Was setting

On the Sea

At Scarborough.

As you stood there

In the Balcony

On the 22nd Floor

Of your Hotel-Room

Gazing at the

Swirling waters of the Sea

Radiant and Vibrant

In the oranges and reds

Of the Setting Sun’s

Majestic Charisma –

The waves and the tides

Playing hide and seek

With the lovely bright colours

Of the Setting Sun’s

Enchanting Enigma

I thought of your eyes…

Yes – those very beautiful

Eyes of yours,

With those long eyelashes

That make your eyes

All the more expressive, deep

And enchanting…

Like the Setting Sun’s

Ethereal Beauty

In that evening sea

At Scarborough

I felt like kissing those eyes…

Yes – those very same eyes

Tired and aching

After a hard day’s work

Seeking some relaxing moments

To rejuvenate itself

In the Setting Sun’s

Evening glory…

On the Scarborough Sea

Before they again endure

Another ordeal of

Another Day’s

Hard Work.

So my love, please accept my kisses…

For they are truly meant for you

More so, for those lovely eyes of yours

Hope these kisses of mine

Help to preserve your wonderful memories

Of the setting sun’s myriad hues

What a beautiful way to bid adieus…

As it goes deep down

Far beyond the horizon

Into the lows and highs

Of the waves and tides

On the Scarborough Sea.

And here across the miles

I wait for that auspicious moment, my love

When you and me together

Will sit and talk and share…

Of how you felt at Scarborough

And how I felt being there with you

In my thoughts, dreams

And fantasies…

And as you’ll unravel

Those preserved memories

Of the Setting Sun’s

Myriad Glories…

I’ll listen and ponder

Like a child in wonder!

Wondering at the Sun’s

Colourful Hues

Those Brilliant Views

OR

Wondering at the Splendour

Of you being there before me

With your beautiful eyes

For me to see…

You – the Radiant Sun for me

And I – the deep, deep sea

Waiting for you to set on me…

#################################################################################

The Death-Bed

In a stoic state of retrospection,

As she lay dying on the bed

She thought of all the words

She had said

To her Beloved

Some sweet, some sour

Some soothing, some jarring

Some savvy, some seductive…

Of all the words she remembered

That night, that moment

Those few last breaths

Of her fading life…

Were the words Immortal –

That would forever live on

In the heart of her Beloved

Long after she’s dead and gone…

“I will always love you”.

#################################################################################

The Moth

The Moth

Goes near it

To seek some light

In its world of darkness

To seek some respite

In its desolate life

To seek some warmth

In its search for love,

Care and belongingness…

The Moth goes near it

Hoping to find

Some acceptance

Some reciprocation

Of its burning desire

For that source of light

But try as he might

He fails, he fails

And he miserably fails…

Every time he goes to it

He comes back

With less of warmth

And a lot less care…

Burns and Scalds

On its bruised body

Because of the Light

That hardly cares

To share its luminance

To shower its radiance

On this hapless victim

Of its crude ignorance…

And yet the Moth

Madly in love

Dedicated to its light

That source of “delight”

Which it hopes

Would be for him

One day –

And pine for him

As he does for her…

He would win over it,

Come what may…

Goes seeking her

Night after night

And every night

He returns back

Burned and scalded

As ever before…

So with all these scalds

And scars of burns

Which he accepts

As the kind

Give-aways

Of his beloved light,

Tired yet devoted

With wings so torn

He can hardly fly…

He still makes

One last attempt

To appease his Beloved –

That luminous light

On one last night.

And he burns and burns

And he so badly burns

His body in ashes…

All over his Beloved’s

Flame of Light.

And in that moment

Of despair and death

Not just the night

Mourns this grave loss

Of love and longing…

The candle-light

Burning bright

For all these nights

Realises the depth

Of the Moth’s

Eternal love for her…

And in a sense of shock

Gives up itself

To the world of

Darkness and Death.

So now the burnt-out,

Withered Wick

Remains the stoic witness

To tell this tragic tale

Of the Moth and the Light

How they met every night

Yet there was no love

Lost nor gained,

Neither realised

Nor reciprocated.

And yet when they couldn’t

Unite in life…

Death found a way out

Heralding their sacred union

In the after-life.

Amen!

#################################################################################

The Sun and The Moon

As the Sun

Sets on the Sea

With its reddish glow

And orange hues…

The day shades in for me

Awakening the

Night of Darkness

Within me…

And the setting Sun

On the horizon

Beckons me

Nearer to it

As if asking me

To seek shelter

In its radiant warmth

And magnanimous

Splendour…

Yet when I see

The swirling waters

Of the Sea…

With their myriad colours

Reflecting the Setting Sun’s

Evening Glory –

I remember that

It is all a mirage

For the very same Sun

Inviting me in with all

Its Grandeur –

Can Scorch me dry

On one of those days

When it is bright and shining

In the clear, blue sky.

So I see it,

Cherish it

From far-away…

I love the sun setting

On the Beach

It is a lovely sight for me

Every day

Yet – I always revert back

To my night of darkness

When the sun sets in

Even if it is lonely and

Shadowy out here…

I still prefer

The coolness of the night

The bright, starry delight

Of the sky and the stars

And in that darkness –

That still, sombre mood

Of being alone, solitary

And so very lonely…

The tears in my eyes

Speak to my Beloved

Sans any words

Nor any letters

Yet feelings galore

Dreams aplenty…

The beautiful Moon

with its subtle grace

Takes the place

Of my messenger of love.

In its blue moonlight

I bask and ask –

Questions aplenty

To my Beloved.

And I wait and I wait

For the answers to come

Drifting by…

Like the soft evening breeze

And the cool night air

Rejuvenating me,

Arousing me

Teasing me

Making love to me…

Revitalising and

Refreshing me –

From lands afar,

Across the miles

Over the seven seas.

Like a clandestine affair

Of the Night

Amidst the stars and the sky

Where I laugh and I cry

With You

In my Fantasies…

Like it happens every night

When the Sun goes down

And ushers in the Night –

And Yes – The Witness

Of this night long

Love affair…

Fantasising without a care –

Remains my messenger of love:

The eternal Moon

With its blue moonlight.

#################################################################################

To My Love…

You make me feel Special

Everyday of my life

You love me the way

I’ve never been loved before

GOD gave You to Me

to discover what Love is

Being with you I’ve fathomed

the true meaning of Love

Your eyes have magic

and so does your touch…

It melts me down

whenever I feel you

Forever giving and Forgiving

A Heart of Gold

is what you have

Blessed I am to be your wife

Would cherishingly love you

all my life…

#################################################################################

Your Heart

So you’ve given your Heart to me…

Do I keep it or give it back

Do I at all need it

Was it worth the wait

Why did you lose your heart to me?

Or did you give it out of sympathy…

Do you think I deserved it…

Or was it one of your many

Give-aways

As you’ve always done with ‘others’ of my kind

Or were you being sincere, loving and true

When you considered giving me:

Your Heart

And will you take it back from me

Once the ‘rosiness’ is over…

When we’ve had our share of making love,

When you no longer fancy me,

Having ‘felt’ me inside-out…

And then give it to that someone else

who would woo you as I did

Mind you, my love…

If ever you could be loved so much

It has to be me, and only me…

I’ve been true to God and You,

loving Him and loving You…

At peace with my loneliness,

I learned to live, longing for you…

‘merely existing’ – you might say,

Yet still livable than a ‘living death’

Once you snatch your heart from me…

So my love, there is still time,

Tell me it’s not yet true:

That you falling for me

Cannot ever and ever be true…

Let me keep on loving you

Longing for you

Just the way I do

Forever and ever and ever so…

You keep your heart to yourself

for I don’t yet deserve you,

and you don’t have to heed me

just so as I keep asking you.

#################################################################################

Love

Loving you has been a way of life

Everyday I live to love you

It’s an endless passion, a burning desire,

I just can’t have enough of you…

Yes it is true, you are my beloved,

You fulfill my every need,

You are God’s gift to me

in every way that I can see.

Your touch, your smile,

and that very loving gaze,

Your smell, your breath,

It’s all a magical haze…

You are Mine – that’s all I know,

Let the world go its own way

I’ll forever remain yours,

Let you be known – it is for sure!

#################################################################################

She Told Me

She told me that

You’ve fallen for me

I blushed and asked you

“is it true?! ”

She told me that

You would not tell me

I still did ask you

“is it true? ”

She told me that

You’ve always loved me

couldn’t help but ask you

“is it true? ”

I told her that

You couldn’t acknowledge

I kept on asking

“is it true? ”

She is my other self

she knows it all…

she told me again

You’ll take your time

Tell me, my love

How long do I wait…

to hear from you

If it really is true?!

#################################################################################

Tell Me – Is It Love?!

Do you feel sad when I’m away

Do you miss me when I’m not there

Do you remember me often

Do you crave to talk to me

Do you feel like touching me

Do you ever pray for me?

Does seeing me make your day

Do you like me the way I am

Do you get sleepless nights

Do I come in your dreams

Do you fear losing me…

Do you have any confessions?

Do you do what I do?

Let me tell you what I do

Keep on thinking of you,

Feel miserable without you

Now you tell me –

Is It Love?!

In other words, it may lead to any of the activities like mating, coupling and so on but, what’s more important is exploring each other options and priorities. Today, the modern man has never had more choice of life partners but, also never more trouble dealing with the multitude of options that today’s women presents him with. This is a reason why online dating seems to be one of the good options to chose our partners and to get involve themselves into serious relationships. No matter whether one is looking for a casual dating partner or a serious long term relationship.
As far as Online dating is concerned, large number of these dating websites cater to both paid members and casual (free) users as well. At the end of the day,  you can still open your profile and search for partners.

Sounds good.

According to the recent surveys, around 12 million Indians are using dating sites and matrimonial sites just to save their time and money.

This is not just about India, its the all across the continents. Today, such type of dating services offer number of things in terms of choices, features and friendship and the frequency of the users . With such specialized dating sites such as India dating websites, one can easily realize its importance and there are many who are strictly against these sites.After all, we all exist in the silent hope that things are changing. So, still there are number of people around the world who prefer to use different options apart from dating.

For many of us, dating is something which makes life a sweet place to live in, a garden full of flowers of different fragrances to make out conjure images of a date with you. Dating in India has many faces like online dating for gays and lesbians as well. As per our Indian society, such  type of dating is not so common and people out here has different views and perception towards these dating and relationships. As far as lesbian dating is concerned , a person can get good platform to get involve into a serious relationship, and seriously,at the end of the day, its all about finding a good and a compatible partner of course.

Usually, women’s are put off but the selfishness of men, he will easily go ahead and engage himself into an sexual intercourse without any second thought. So, things are totally different from homosexual to heterosexual dating in India.
Few days back, i was reading an article on Internet , where a husband caught his wife with another women in bed. This incident may sound weird for thousands of people around here i guess. So, lesbian matchmaking is no more different from any other heterosexual dating. All these things may sound weird to many people but, its completely a natural process and nothing else and anyone can fall in love with someone in this virtual world,all it depends on the commitment of a relationship. Today, users shed a lot of those old limiting signposts in choosing heir partners  no matter which platform they will use.

Sometimes, we wonder whether online dating is right for us or not but when relationship and serious commitment comes into sight we can see various different aspects.From a positive aspect we have number of things like being in a relationship is nothing but the mutual understanding and compatibility and to understand each others expectations. So, it is consider to be seeking someone special to select down and spend the rest of the life with him/her.

Moreover, one can easily understand and know a lot of information about that person before even talking to him. Just because of such good and clear profiles, it becomes much easier to get indulge into such type of potential relationship. Infact, when we approach someone ,  via mail, message or any available options, its not that much awkward as it seems to be in face to face.

On the another side, sexual communication on these dating websites are not enough to be into a relationship . Expressions and Thoughts are equivalently important for a commitment and a serious relationship. Its better to describe yourself very well because the most important issue with getting online dating is you cant express yourself easily and hence the expectations of the person who is  hitting text in your screen in front of you.

In reality, we get to know that there is nothing common between us and both  the individuals wanted to follow up things differently.

but, still it is far more convenient as compare to meeting at various restaurants and still couldn’t make it up anything. I wonder the joy of finding the love of your life , an exciting and rewarding friendship when you are looking at such a beautiful path of your life. All in all,in India,   its an uncanny resemblance between urban Indian marriages and bollywood blockbusters. this can be called as a sort of revolution that offers encouraging signs of sensibility when it comes to relationship, love, marriages.

According to the recent surveys of shaadi.com, which is India’s one of the most popular matrimonial sites says, on 11,577 individuals across, 300 cities and owns backed up by findings of other prominent sites.

The stats revealed that most of the men seem to have resolved some of their life issues and now their choices are radically different from the traditional one. We have seen countless newspapers, advertisements regarding all this stuff till now.

So, In today’s stress filled world, its a change that was perhaps inevitable but it is one for the good!

Copyright Mate4all.com

First-year students at Texas A&M’s vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started tht class by telling them, “In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.”

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually toook turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

Life’s tough, but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”

“Yes, sir!” answers Rangi.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks “So, Rangi,
how was your day?”

Rangi told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a
headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, mate. And the second one?” asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox,”.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this, and what not about the third one?”
asks the doctor.

” I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like
a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra
and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts, ‘HELP ME – I
haven’t seen a man in over two years!!’”

So! what did you do?” asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.”

However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He thought that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR’S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The local paper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

The next day, the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

Headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day!

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. Next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, “Are you hurt?”

“AM I HURT?”, he shouts, “Wouldn’t you be? He hasn’t called, he hasn’t written…

Superman says “HOLY KRIPTONITE! OOOOOOOOh Yeah. Well I guess because I am the fastest man in the world I can go and bang her in a blink of an eye.” So he swoops down and…..thrusts himself like rapid-fire…”boom boom boom”, then he flies off.

Wonder woman is speechless for a second and then says “Invisible Man what was that?”

Invisible Man says “I don’t know but my ass is on fire.”

10 Freida Pinto

9 Anna Friel

8 Kristin Kreuk

7 Elisha Cuthbert

6 Adriana Lima

5 Keeley Hazell 

4 Britney Spears

3 Jessica Alba

2 Megan Fox

1 Cheryl Cole

English Version:

TEACHER: 1 drop of sperm is equal to 100 drops of blood.
STUDENT: Then why do you suck our blood? direct suck our dick.

And she was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children!  I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’

And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.’ ‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car..

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’

The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’

WHAT IF SHE SLAPS ME ?
Most negative outcomes occur only in our minds, not in the real world. A woman won’t be mean to you unless you act like a jerk. Even if she turns you down, she’ll love being approached.

Insight: To excel in life, you have to push through your fears. Those who do, become champions.

SHE’LL THINK IT’S TOO SOON…
Real men don’t wait for the woman’s approval. He leads and she follows. She prefers it, but will never tell you. Any time you feel is a good time to ask her out.

Insight: It’s better to move fast and apologise, than move too slow and be put in the friend zone forever.

SHE’S ALWAYS WITH FRIENDS…
Approach her group and involve everyone in conversation. It’s a huge turn-on for a woman to see a man hold court among her friends. Get her number so that you can exchange information about something she said during the conversation.

Insight: The harder the situation, the more she’ll appreciate your effort.

I FREEZE WHEN I SEE HER
You freeze because you care, and you care because you view her as the prize. Imagine ‘you’re the prize that she is pursuing. Tease her playfully. Each time you meet her, accuse her of stalking you.

Insight: Accusing a woman of treating you like a sex object leads to fun flirtations and never-ending conversations.

WE’RE TOO FRIENDLY TO GET ROMANTIC
She needs to see you as a sexual being. Step up your sexual communication. If she touches you accidentally, say with a cocky smile, ‘You’re touching me a lot lately.’ Or say, ‘Oh my God, you smell great. What are you wearing?’

Insight: Don’t abruptly get into boyfriend mode and send her flowers. That’ll make things awkward.

WHAT DO I SAY?
Whether it’s the first date or the first kiss, if it’s a big deal for you, it’ll be a big deal for her as well. Never ask a woman out straight on, instead tell her you’re going and she can join you.

Insight: Women prefer a man who is already having fun, so that they can join in too. It makes them feel as if they are already a part of his plans.

WHAT IF SHE TELLS HER FRIENDS?
Well, then all the girls will know that you’re a sexual being and all the guys will wish they had your guts. Celebrate it, man!

 Insight: When we see a man approach a woman, even if he’s rejected, we secretly admire his courage.

MAYBE SHE’S TAKEN…
Maybe she’s in a serious relationship; maybe she has a boyfriend… If you don’t approach and learn later that
she was single, you’ll be kicking yourself, won’t you? So it is better to deal with this head on… There’s no other way in a relationship, buddy.

Insight: The pain of regret is worse than that of rejection. If she says no, at least you’d have tried… Else you’ll be kicking yourself for life.

MAYBE I’M NOT HER TYPE
Men often assume ‘she’ is beyond their league. Here’s a secret: There is one type of man women are attracted to — the alpha male. A dominant, wellgroomed, funny guy who is the social centre of the room.

Insight: With practice, any man (regardless of age, looks or bank balance) can learn to be the alpha male.

THE BASICS WILL DO
Only a few men approach women. Just having the guts to do so does the trick. Don’t approach her with the objective of making her like you. Do it with the objective of making her have a better time than before.

Source: TTN

What’s in Cum? 
Obviously, semen contains spermatozoa, but sperm accounts for only a small percentage of spunk. Cum is 90 percent seminal fluid, which is composed of dozens of chemical components. The base of seminal fluid is primarily fructose (sugar) and proteins, with many other trace minerals and substances. Here’s a listing of some of semen’s ingredients:

• Sugars: Fructose, sorbitol, inositol
• Proteins and amino acids: glutathione, deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA), creatine
• Minerals: Phosphorus, zinc, magnesium, calcium, potassium
• Vitamins: Ascorbic acid (vitamin C), vitamin B12, choline
• Hormones: testosterone, prostaglandins
• Body byproducts: Lactic acid, urea, uric acid, nitrogen

Is Eating Cum Healthy?
Healthy cum (that is, cum produced by a well-nourished, disease free guy) is not only safe to eat, it is actually good for you. Seminal fluid, the base of cum, is a veritable nutrient-rich soup. Cum is a source of highly concentrated, high-quality protein. In dietary terms, it’s comparable to egg whites or gelatin.

Besides protein, cum contains high concentrations of some minerals, such as zinc, and trace amounts of other important nutrients, like calcium and magnesium. While you shouldn’t depend on a shot of cum to get your recommended daily allowances of vitamins and minerals, swallowing semen on a regular basis can’t hurt as a dietary supplement.  

Will Cum Make Me Fat? 
Although cum may look creamy and opaque, it contains very little fat, and few calories. One teaspoon of cum contains about 5 calories, and the average ejaculation produces about a tablespoon of semen, for a total of 15 calories. Because of the sugars in seminal fluid, it has a few carbohydrates, but considering the relatively small volume of cum per “serving” the total amount is negligible.

Given that cum is a high-protein, low-carb snack, you’d think the Atkins Diet people would be all over it by now. Plus, when you factor in the calories expended in performing a blow job, chances are you’re burning off much more than you’re consuming. The only way that swallowing during a blow job will make you fat is if you cover your lover’s dick with whipped cream and chocolate syrup.

Does Cum Improve My Mood? 
Cum does affect people’s mood in a positive way. This isn’t a complete surprise because semen contains several mood-altering hormones, including testosterone, oestrogen, follicle-stimulating hormone, luteinising hormone, prolactin and several different prostaglandins. Some of these have been detected in cum eaters’ blood within hours of exposure to semen.

A scientific study, which is bound to provoke controversy, showed that women who were directly exposed to semen were less depressed. The researchers think this is because mood-altering hormones in semen are absorbed through the vagina. They say they have ruled out other explanations.

There is no reason why this should not apply to cum eating and barebacking men as well. Getting a couple of guys shot their cum load down your throat or down your ass provides you with your daily portion boy nutrient.

A – Acceptable

B – Beautiful

C – Colossal

D – Dramatic

E – Enhanced

F – Frightening

Yet the dark realism of Adiga’s work is not without precedence in our regional literatures. In Premchand’s Kafan, for example, Budhiya’s painful death at childbirth provides her penniless husband and his father the opportunity to get drunk on the money they’ve begged for the funeral, and Kafan, as we all know, has for long been considered a classic in Hindi literature. The sense of dislike and even outrage that The White Tiger and Between the Assassinations seem to have caused must be related, therefore, not so much to those sordid subjects which Adiga shares with some of our greatest regional writers, as to the mismatch between his smack-addicted, beedi-smoking, armpit-scratching characters and the language in which they are represented.

An obvious, though determining, feature of English as a language for the Indian novel has been its focus on subjects that it can easily articulate. Typically Indian English novels have tended to deal with diasporic Indian communities and with the inner lives of English-speaking Indians in India. Reading The White Tiger can be disturbing because it brings into our most internationally visible language, the point of view of a paan chewing, illiterate and increasingly cynical plebian. Kittur, the imaginary South Indian town where Between the Assassinations is set, is a volatile mixture of castes, religious communities, middle class professionals as well as domestic servants, street urchins, beggars, night watchmen.

Adiga describes these characters in language that is as rough and unattractive as their lives. Indeed, unlike Rushdie and several writers who follow him, Adiga seems self consciously to desist from displacing social differences within a carefully crafted and expansive English whose multiple registers transpose and display the differing accents and idioms of our divergent people. Rather than sustain linguistic pyrotechnics, social differences in Adiga’s work produce tensions, contradictions and stories that are always riveting and often capable of penetrating the indifference with which we shield ourselves against the suffering that is always all around us.

Embedded, thus, in the world of rickshaw pullers, construction laborers or domestic servants, Adiga’s work may seem jarring to a readership used to those social spaces in which English normally circulates. But Adiga’s relentless focus on the lower depths — on labouring lives as they intertwine with the lives of those in a position to enjoy the fruits of labour — also aligns him to a tradition of writing which we might associate with Premchand and Sadat Hasan Manto and which the post-Rushdie generation of Indian English writers have all but wiped out.

This inward turn towards India and its social inequalities is essential if the Indian English novel has to engage seriously with the realities of our vast, complex and divided land.

ARAVIND ADIGA: Winner of the 2008 Booker
Source TIO

At some point in their twenties, most women have to suffer parents trying to hook them up with suitable boys. It’s a bizarre experience, watching your parents select or reject a candidate as if they were shopping from a catalogue: “Excellent house of Jupiter, in; diploma from Behala College of Commerce, out; Rs 20 lakh per annum, definitely in; thrice divorced, out out out.” It goes without saying that in their well-intentioned quest, your tastes are never considered.

I was mercifully spared the elimination rounds by my folks until last year, when in an epiphany, they realised I wasn’t ten but 28 and of “marriageable age”. They suddenly felt duty bound to unite me with a “life partner” as my mother quaintly puts it, before I turned 30, the unofficial deadline for those who want highly eligible men. Cross 30 and you have to settle for college drop-outs, men with club feet or, horror of horrors, divorcees.

So mummy-papa plunged into the crowded waters of the arranged marriage market like a pair of deep sea divers and emerged triumphant with, what they were certain was, an oyster containing a pearl.

He might have a heart of pearl but I had problems with the oyster. It had a moustache. Now here’s the thing about the moustache, which Indian men continue to be maddeningly attached to. It’s understandable for men of an older generation — say those above 40 — to sport the hairy face accessory because it was in vogue when they were young, fashionable hipsters. So dads, uncles and those who grow attendant beards are permitted to wear moustaches. But on its own, it has been unfashionable for years and unless you’re a nerd who solves deferential equations for recreation, you can not earnestly wear a moustache. It’s only acceptable on Anil Kapoor, who cannot be imagined without his moustache and the gravity-defying soufflé on his scalp, and as a carefully cultivated, mildly ironic affectation in the manner of Rohan Sippy circa 2005. The peal-hearted oyster — let’s call him X — was not Anil Kapoor and his moustache was not artfully styled.

I should have immediately suspected when, just before showing me X’s photograph that had been sent via email, my mother uncertainly said that he was “pleasant looking”. The picture sealed the case. X was standing on what appeared to be the deck of a ferry out at sea. The wind was blowing through his hair (and moustache) and in his hand he clutched a straw hat decorated with a floral ribbon. If his tastes ran to beribboned sun hats, I didn’t want to imagine the contents of his wardrobe.

Does that make me superficial? Perhaps. Who knows, he might have been holding someone else’s hat. The moustache could have been a temporary experiment. It’s possible that X is a fantastic guy with intelligence, a super sense of humour and a shared love for smelly cheeses. But appearance is the first hurdle in the obstacle course that is arranged marriage. Gleefully, it’s not a course I have to run. (Cue in popping bottles of champagne, showers of confetti!) The folks have surrendered, deciding to accept “whatever destiny holds in store”.

Source TOI

TIMES NEWS NETWORK

IT’S the age of instant messaging, music on the move and grub on the go. And as if all of that zipzap-zoom were not enough, the dating game just got a turbo boost too. What was started off by Rabbi Yaacov Deyo in mid-’90s LA, USA, as a matchmaking endeavour for Jews, has now become quite the happening way for singletons to meet people. The all-new concept of speed dating has you picking out a mate in less time than it would take you to download a game onto your cell phone!

Says Ekta Gill from BombaySpeedD8, the organisation that has introduced the concept in India: “We’ve had a good response, with a success rate of almost 98 per cent, where only two of our speed daters didn’t get a date in the end.” According to her, the target age-group is 24-35, so there’s a nice mix of likeminded working professionals. So, is the event about getting hitched, or is it just about making new friends? “It depends on the individual. Right now, I think, people are there more for the fun of it. But once it becomes a regular affair, they will start viewing it as another means of meeting a marriageable mind,” says Gill.

But often, it’s not about the mind at all. According to Robert Kurzban, professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, who has conducted a behavioural study of over 10,000 speed dates: “We found that women’s desirability is dominated by their relative thinness, which shows that men care most deeply about women’s body size and shape. Our findings also indicate that, at least in the context of speed dating, women show similar physically-driven preferences.” Surprisingly, factors like religion, education and income, play very little role in their choices. “Although they had three minutes, most participants made their decision based on the visual information that they probably got in the first three seconds,” says Kurzban.

And yet, there are enough optimistic singles in Indian metros to make this concept seem viable. “I’ve been for a speed dating event in the US,” says 31-year-old banker Ashraf Pithawala, adding, “I met a few cute women there. Nothing serious materialised, but I think it definitely has potential for singles looking to find that perfect mate.”

HOW IT WORKS

An equal number of men and women in a certain age group are registered for the event, for a nominal fee. At the venue, each is given a badge with his/her name and a number on it, as well as a memo card. The participants are required to fill out their details on this card. All the women are then seated at separate tables corresponding to the number on their badge. Once the event starts, each guy sits down opposite the woman whose number matches his. The couple has exactly three minutes to interact and determine whether any sparks are flying or not. When the buzzer sounds, the man moves to the next table. During this switch, a few minutes are allowed for filling in a descriptive line about the person each just met, as well as ticking off a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ to indicate or decline interest in him or her. This process continues until all the males have met all the females. The tally of matches is carried out by the organisers later and those who showed mutual interest are given each other’s e-mail address to enable further interaction.

1 Massage his ego: Who will not fall for this one, including women! Tell your man that you find him sexy. Chances are that they haven’t heard that often and it is bound to blow them away. The most romantic thing for a man is to realize that his lady is in awe of his skills — whether it’s his ability to make people laugh, perform at sports, fix things, or retrieve and display esoteric knowledge.

2 Dark chocolate: Milk chocolate is for kids. Don’t ever make the mistake of offering it to your man — he might just take offence. Dark chocolate has a higher percentage of cocoa, which means it has more phenyl ethylamine, a chemical that mimics the feeling you experience when in love.

3 Priceless gifts: Forget the chocolates and flowers, and don’t even think about soft toys. Men are more practical and appreciate it when you get them a practical gift. Gift him his college sweatshirt. If he is mourning the loss of a rare comic book that got lost when he shifted homes, locate a copy for him. Get him a rare lighter if he smokes or a Swiss Knife if he’s the DIY type. If you get him what he really wants, rest assured, you’ll have him forever.

4 You, in his clothes: Come to the dinner table wearing nothing but his button-down dress shirt. Only an idiot or a stone-cold will not be moved.

5 Share the humour: It’s not shared beliefs, but a common sense of humour that makes a relationship work. If you like the stiff upper-lip comedy whereas it’s only the slapstick variety that can put a smile on your lover’s face, it’s not going to work. Find something that can have you both rolling over the floor — when you can find someone to laugh with, then you know you’re really connecting.

6 Keep a memo: Nothing will flatter him more than seeing a picture of you two in your wallet or at your workplace. To you it may sound a natural thing to do, but men do get flattered by small gestures.

7 Tall buildings: You didn’t need a double-take on this one — you read it right. Just take your lover to a tall building with a view that looks over a large part of the city. The tremendous view of the city with all its lights is not only awesome in its own right, but such a huge view can also put life into perspective. It accentuates the smallness of the individual person. Thus humbled, it is most comforting to realise, at that instant, you’re not alone in the world.

8 Initiate sex: Whether it’s an unexpected kiss or a nookie in the afternoon, men swoon when women make the first move. They like to be surprised, so don’t think twice before you get naughty, squeeze their thigh at a snooty dinner party or invite them for a bubble bath.

9 Cook him a meal: ‘The way to man’s heart is through his stomach’ may be a cliched adage, but the reason it is probably still around is because it’s true. Cook him his favorite meal, even if it’s a pizza, and prepare it just the way he likes it. Chances are that he’d lick his fingers and then come for yours.

10 Love notes: It’s one of those gooey things that men will never accept having a fondness for. Let him find a note in his suitcase when unpacking on a business trip or surprise him with an email with an affectionate message. Guess what? Adding a “P.S” just increases the charm. There’s something about the P.S. that people respond to. It probably makes men give their undivided attention to the message.

Body language, or as the experts in the field call it, non-verbal communication, is the way we talk without saying anything. We shrug our shoulders. We lean in towards someone when we like them. We touch our hair. Our bodies give off hundreds of signals that everyone around us can read instinctively, some better than others. When you can figure out how to speak and understand body language, you’ll have better luck in your daily life and in your dating life. Learn how to read and to control your body language, so that you give off the right signals to the singles surrounding you.
These are the top signals our bodies give off. Learn how to read them and how to use them to your advantage.

Eye Contact
Making eye contact is one of the signs the body uses to show many different things, including respect and interest. So it’s important to make eye contact when you’re talking to someone new. When they speak, be sure to acknowledge them with your eyes. You can say nothing at all while your eyes say it all. This is an especially important tool for singles to use.

Just don’t take it too far! Staring at someone is not good eye contact. Studies show that eye contact lasting for a few seconds is welcoming, but anything longer than that at one time makes people nervous. Nobody wants to make a potential date so nervous that they feel uncomfortable around you. It’s counterproductive. If you see that your person of interest is squirming under your gaze, cut it down, so that they relax.

Mind Your Posture
No, posture isn’t just that thing you parents complained about at the dinner table: straighten up or risk curving your spine! Posture says a lot about how you feel about that certain someone you’re chatting up. Look for signs that they’re interested in you. She will turn her entire body, as well as her face in your direction while you speak if she’s into you. If not, she might be looking at you, but her body may be angled in another direction, which is a sign that you do not have her full attention. Learn to read these kinds of signals, so you know when someone’s just not responding to you.
Open postures are the best kind, while closed postures, like when someone crosses their arms over their chest, are usually bad news for a potential budding relationship. When someone is uncomfortable, unhappy or uninterested, even if they don’t come out and say it, there are usually signs if you pay attention to their posture.

Reaching Out To Touch Someone
This is one of the most telling signs a single can give off when showing his or her interest in another person. But as the Social Issue Research Center points out, “When flirting, it is therefore important to remember that the language of touch, if used correctly, can help to advance the relationship, but that inappropriate use of this powerful tool could ruin your chances forever.”

Think a light brush across someone’s forearm, not a butt grab or grandmotherly pat on the back. Keep touch “to universally acceptable areas and levels” when you first meet a stranger. The arm is your best option. Women are more likely to react badly to touch as a form of non-verbal communication, whereas men are more likely to feel more comfortable with it. Watch the response you get from the person you’re talking to, so that you know if the touch was too much and they’re distancing themselves from you or if they suddenly lean in just a little closer.
If your touch is being reciprocated, then you’ve probably been giving and getting positive body language signals!

Talk With Your Body
When singles learn to embrace the signals that their bodies use to communicate, everyone benefits. After all, the way we say something, whether it’s verbal or not, is often more important than the words we use to say it. Body language can help you to determine if the partner you’re dancing with is interested in you or if they’re only into dancing. Body language can also give the right idea to the right man or woman. Use your body to talk!

By Jenny Ferguson

Epididymus

• The long tube behind the testes in the scrotum in which the sperm are stored

Seminal vesicles

• Small glands located behind the bladder that add fluid to the sperm

Prostate gland

• Small gland at the bottom of the bladder which adds more fluid to the sperm
• The urethra passes through it

Ejaculatory duct

• Small tube that carries the semen (sperm plus added fluids) into the urethra
• This occurs close to the time of ejaculation

Urethra

• The thin elastic tube that runs through the penis
• During ejaculation, the bladder is closed off so that urine does not escape and
• the urethra carries the semen to the outside of the body

Penis

• contains the urethra
• it consists of 3 cylindrical tubes made of erectile tissue
• these tubes fill with blood during sexual stimulation (producing an erection)
• the erection assist in depositing the sperm effectively
• the end of the penis is slightly larger and is called the glans

Clitoris

• the external projection of this organ is located just above the urethral opening at the top of the inner labia
• highly sensitive and its only real purpose is for pleasure
• made of the same type of erectile tissue as found in the penis

Vagina

• hollow muscular tube / opening into the body
• has a moist lining which is made up of folds of skin
• it lengthens and widens with sexual intercourse
• it accepts the penis during sex
• also the passageway during childbirth

Uterus

• pear shaped muscular organ located in the pelvis
• its purpose is to carry and nurture a child
• each month of the female cycle it builds up its lining, if no fertilised egg is received it expels the lining in a process called menstruation (a period)
• the cervix is the opening of the uterus into the vagina

Fallopian Tubes

• these tubes are attached to the top of the uterus
• each month they carry an egg from the ovaries to the uterus, ready to be fertilised

Ovaries

• two small organs located in the pelvis they produce and store the eggs until they are ready to be released each month
• they also produce the female sex hormones – oestrogen and progesterone

Sexual Function (Before the Injury)

Sexual function is a complex interaction between:

• spinal cord reflexes
• influences from the brain
• hormones
• psychological factors

Nerve Supply

The important parts of the spinal cord for sexual function in both male and female are:

• T11,12 – L1,2

• S2 – 4 In the male:

Sensation (to perineum) S2-4 Erection T11,12 and S2-4 Ejaculation T11,12 and S2-4

In the Female:

Sensation (to perineum) S2-4 Clitoral erection and Vaginal lubrication T11,12 and S2-4

Male Sexual Response Cycle

• What happens when a man becomes aroused ?

Sexual arousal is a result of a combination of signals that stimulate our senses including:

• Smells
• Sounds
• Seeing something sexually exciting
• Touch – especially in erogenous zones

The physical signs of arousal that the body shows include:

• penis becomes erect
• scrotum tenses and testes rise
• emission and ejaculation may occur
• nipples become erect
• muscles tense
• breathing becomes rapid
• pulse and blood pressure rises
• skin becomes flushed

Orgasm is the culmination of all these feelings:

• when orgasm occurs there is a pumping action that

discharges semen from the penis in spurts Following orgasm:

• muscle tension decreases
• pulse, blood pressure and breathing gradually return to normal
• relaxation occurs

Female Sexual Response Cycle

• What happens when a woman gets aroused ?
  • vagina moistens
  • clitoris swells
  • labia swell and open
  • uterus contracts
  • nipples become erect
  • muscles tense
  • breasts enlarge
  • breathing becomes more rapid
  • pulse and blood pressure rise
  • skin becomes flushed
• Orgasm in the female involves:
  • withdrawal of the clitoris from its normal position
  • strong contraction of the muscles of the vaginal walls and rectal area
  • tensing of other muscles

Following orgasm there is:

• muscle relaxation
• gradual fall in pulse, blood pressure and breathing

Erogenous Zones

Remember, the erogenous zones are not only the genitals but also the neck, ears, lips and almost any other part of the body. Some or all of these areas may contribute to arousal and stimulation.

Reflexogenic Vs. Psychogenic Stimulation

In the male: Erections can be either:

1. Psychogenic
   • caused by a message sent from the brain
   • e.g. seeing an attractive person, watching an erotic movie or fantasising
1. Reflexogenic
   • caused by direct stimulation
   • the brain is not important at all
1. Combination of Both

In the Female: the same applies to vaginal lubrication and clitoral erection.

Sexual Function (After the Injury)

Sexual function following spinal cord injury depends primarily on:

• Level of injury
• Completeness of injury
• Time since the injury may also be important

The main aspects of sexual function that may have been affected are:

In the Male:

• SENSATION in genital and other areas below the level of injury
• ORGASM may be changed
• Ability to achieve and sustain an ERECTION
• Ability to EJACULATE

In the Female:

• SENSATION in genital and other areas below the level of injury
• ORGASM may be changed
• Ability to achieve VAGINAL LUBRICATION

The degree of paralysis of muscles around hips, pelvis and legs may be important for both sexes with respect to positioning for sexual activity and intercourse.

What Can Be Done to Help Overcome Sexual Problems following SCI ?

Treatment of Problems with Erections

• Different Positions
  • Some people find that using particular positions during intercourse help maintain erections better
  • This requires patience, experimentation and communication with partner
• Vacuum Devices
  • Small vacuum pump is applied to penis to draw blood in
  • Elastic ring is applied to base to stop the erection subsiding – tends to cause slightly “bent” erection
  • Must not be left in place for more than 30 minutes
  • Advantage: – non-invasive
  • Disadvantage: – erection does not look normal
• Penile Injections (Caverjet)
  • Injection of medication directly into side of penis
  • The medication (Alprostadil/Prostaglandin E2) assists the blood to enter penis and produces erection
  • Advantage: -Erection is more normal looking -Inexpensive
  • Disadvantage: -Care must be taken with dose given or erection can

last too long and this is dangerous -overcoming the whole idea of “injections”

• Intra-urethral Pellets (MUSE)
  • Small pellet the size of grain of rice put into urethra
  • Same drug as the injections (Alprostadil)
  • Adv: -no injections
  • Disad: -sometimes does not work as well as injections -expensive
• Oral Medications (Viagra)
  • Tablet form
  • Different medication (silendafil)
  • Only works if there is arousal stimulation
  • Adv: -no injections
  • Disad: -needs to be taken 1 hour before sex -expensive -cannot be used if you use anginine (used to

treat autonomic dysreflexia)

• Penile Implants

• complex surgical procedure to implant a device into penis to assist with erection
• rarely used but sometimes appropriate
• complications

Treatment for Problems with Ejaculation

• this may be difficult to treat
• it may improve with time
• retro-ejaculation sometimes occurs where the sperm go back into the bladder instead of coming out the right way
• vibrators may sometimes help with ejaculation

Treatment for Problems with Lubrication

• use a water-based lubricant e.g. KY jelly
• direct stimulation may assist reflex lubrication

Treatment of Sensory/Orgasmic Problems

• sensation may improve with time • explore erogenous zones/areas above the level of injury – these may become extra-sensitive

• orgasm may not be the same as before but can be just as good

• Don’t expect miracles the first time!!

Other Things to Think About

• Intercourse Positions
  • muscle weakness, spasm or balance problems may make sexual activity more difficult than before
  • experiment with other positions
  • a member of the team or your local health professional can give you advice about other positions to try or how to manage spasms or lack of balance
  • communication with partner is very important
• Bladder And Bowel Problems

A member of the team can also give you advice about:

• avoiding bladder or bowel accidents
• problems related to your type of bladder management and how to overcome them
• communication

• Spasticity
  • spasms may aid or interfere with sexual activity
  • talk to a member of the team
• Autonomic Dysreflexia (AD)
  • if you are prone to AD this can sometimes occur during sexual activity
  • especially with ejaculation/orgasm if you experience these
  • if severe, the activity should be temporarily ceased
  • check other causes of AD i.e. bladder/bowel